Workplace Diaries: Kim Blows a Fuse

Narcs at work: diaries

(The following are several disjointed notes from my journal, all related to the evolving situations at work with our narcissistic "boss" Joe, and Kim, who was raised by a narcissistic father, and who displays codependent and/or narcissistic tendencies)

***

While being trained for a task, I did a minor mistake. I accidentally bumped a button, causing machinery to go in the wrong direction. I quickly pushed a button to make it come back, and the unexpected motion blew a fuse. Kim and I were stressed about it for a while, and tried to fix it. Finally, electricians came and changed the fuse. There was no real harm done.

On the way home, (we carpool) I asked Kim if it was me pushing the button that blew the fuse. He was very reluctant to answer the question. “I would never ever say it was your fault,” he said. 

“But I just want to know if what I did there caused that short.” It seemed important to know. I wasn’t offended if it was me. It was an honest mistake. 

He did verbal gymnastics for a while, trying his very best to avoid putting any blame on me, but finally said yes, probably it was you. “But I’m not blaming you!“ he emphasized. 

This conversation stuck out to me, and got me thinking about the victim code, see post.

**

That same day, Kim had had several fits of rage, in which he had thrown objects, including a knife. He had also punched walls, and seem to completely lose control of himself while angry. He also cut corners, including asking me to work on a piece of machinery that was not correctly locked out. This is a huge no-no as it could cause serious injury or death if the machine started up with us in it. 

I had wanted to talk to him about this, but did not exactly know how to broach the subject. How does one tell one's senior/training coworker that their fits of rage are out of control, they are cutting corners, and it makes the coworker feel unsafe?

The next day, Kim came in to work extremely tired and told me he was sick. He was stomping around, making angry movements. I read the cues and stayed back. He made a number of very large mistakes, and lost his temper twice, the upshot of all this was we ruined batch of product, which cost the company hugely, and also took a hit to our reputation.

I struggled for a day or two wondering what I should do. Should I report this? (Of course, the supervisors all knew something had happened concerning the load) since I was training, I was not considered to be at fault. However, this is now the second batch of loss product that I have been involved in, both with Kim.

A higher up bosses requested that I write a formal report of the incident. That ended my dilemma. I wrote out in point form what had happened from my perspective. I asked my wife to proofread it at home, but she had a terrible migraine that day. So I was on my own. It was very hard to do, due to the victim code. But I felt it needed to be done, to protect myself and also to let Kim know his actions were not OK. I included things in there that only I would know, such as his losing his temper and throwing the knife.

I honestly thought he would get fired, but we are shortstaffed here. And so there he was on our next shift. He didn’t say anything about it, but I have wondered if our relationship has shifted slightly.

 A few days later (it makes me wonder if he got talked to later, then I had expected) he dropped several comments about being a "narc."

Things are generally good between Kim and I. We work well together and are generally cheerful. However, I sense that I might not be able to trust in the same way anymore. I have broken the code, and there may be consequences.

**

There is a system which does not work well in our plant. It seems to be part of a thought loop. It is technically part of our quality control system, and so the managers want it operational. But in the winter, it freezes, leaks everywhere, and causes ice, which is a slipping hazard.

Technically, if one turns it on, then turned it back off within about 10 minutes, it will not freeze even in extreme weather. But the reality is, people forget. And so it does freeze. And so just about every day, there is more ice. I have given suggestions on how to rectify the situation, but so far we are in this thought loop. And the problem persists.

The system is also in a gray zone between the operator and the driver. Sometimes the driver turns it on, and the operator turns it off, sometimes the operator operator does. It depends from driver to driver an operator to operator. This, of course, makes it more likely for it to be left on, since nobody fully claims responsibility.

On a particular day, I went to secure this device, but saw that it was frozen solid. It had been frozen solid for several days, and went frozen, no water comes out. So I left it and got in my truck. As I pulled out, I saw water gushing and quickly parked to turn it off. I guess the blockage had melted. Before I could get to it, Kim was there and had closed it. I thanked him and went on with my day. Later, I saw Kim blasting it with water. He had left it on too long, and it had frozen shut, so he was using water to melt it. This is not exactly standard practice, and of course it gets water everywhere causing more ice.

But again I did not think much of it because this is a broken system that causes ice. It has been like this since I started here.

Later that day, Kim came to tell me (very kindly, with a smile on his face,) that technically I was in trouble. He was letting me know without yelling at me is basically what he communicated. I asked why. He said Joe was very angry I had left the water on, causing that ice. I didn't think much of it, because really it was Kim who had made most of the ice mess. 

Later that day, Joe contorted me and loudly blamed me for causing the ice. I looked over at Kim, who had a neutral expression, then said, “Yeah, sorry about that." I had caused some ice. But it was unusual that I was blamed for it. Both because Kim and I had both caused some, and because this was an ongoing problem. Everyone causes ice.

My body told me, “Oh, is this how it is going to be? Watch that one…“ It was referring to Kim. He was one thing when around me, but when it came to management, he would turn on me.

***

On the day when we discussed Joe possibly getting the job of manager, I walk into the office eating from a Ziploc bag. Joe said, "So!! You're responsible!" I asked what he meant. “I have been finding those bags around everywhere!"

“Oh really,?“ I asked. I have been trying to pick up after myself. But it is possible I missed a few.

“Yes, I pulled three out of the loader today.“

Kim swung around in his chair and said very authoritatively, “Make sure you clean up after yourself OK?“

Sheesh, I double reprimanded for three Ziploc bags.

Joe laughed, “Don’t worry, I’m just trying to keep everyone on their toes. It’s my job!“

Keep everyone on their toes, I thought, or assert your dominance?

So Kim is forgiven for losing thousands of dollars of product, and we are past the fact that he threw a knife… But watch out for Ishmael, who is leaving three ziplock bags in the loader…

I thought how growing up, they were so much nitpicking. When you get reamed out for all the little things, pretty soon it creates an environment perpetual stress. You start to feel like you can’t do anything right. And that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Pretty soon, you do start doing stupid things.

And maybe because you are still smarting from the last time you got chewed out for something stupid, when you do something bigger, you don’t ask for help. Instead, you try and fix it yourself or cover it up. This is how things get worse.

When a workplace gets to the point where employees start tattletale in on one another over trivial things, shifting the blame, and playing games, that is when a workplace becomes toxic. I realize, that’s basically what I grew up with. Is it accurate to say I grew up in a toxic home?

I noticed also that this is somewhat backwards. As I mentioned in the post about the victim code, I find myself naturally covering over a lot of silly little mistakes that my coworkers – specifically Kim -- make. Everyone leaves things around, and there are small protocols that people forget all the time. So I just  cover it up. And I assume he will do the same for me. But when it comes to really big things -- things which put our jobs and even our lives in danger -- there is a time to report things. I think this is the right way to see things

However, the victim mentality is somewhat backwards. At least, it is when the situation becomes toxic. Little things are reported on. There is a sense in which they accumulate. You try to load more blame and guilt on the other person. They feel it, and the Alpha (the ruling narcissist) feels it. People move up and down the hierarchy.

But when something really big comes up? Well, there’s a limit to how much we will report on one another. There is the code, after all. And so really big things get swept under the rug. People protect one another. We are a brotherhood after all.

And so it is somewhat backwards from what I normal healthy situation should look like.

March 11

Kim told me to go to the control office to wait for him. When he showed up half an hour later, he asked, "what, you didn’t turn everything on? Come on, you can do better…"

"Oh… Is this the new normal? Would you like me to turn the plant on when I come in in the mornings?“ I had not been trained for this, neither was I requested to do it.

"Yes." He said, “just make sure you turn on this operation before that one. Otherwise you could cause serious damage!“

See, this is why I didn’t just go throwing switches on a multi-million dollar plant when I don’t know what I’m doing. 

I carefully obeyed and did not say anything further. 

I did nothing wrong here, and will receive no shame for it.

I realize that Kim is feeling personal pressure and shame, because he forgot some important instructions from our manager yesterday, and left a client waiting. 

But that is not my responsibility.