April 12, Random Thoughts Roundup

While taking to my wife, I discussed my parents for a bit, then said, “I think it is good for me not to really blog for a bit. I need to let the grass grow on their graves for a while. Then I will go back and look at it.”

I suppose what I should have said is “on the graves of my relationships to them."

Or maybe another way to put it could be, “I need to let the wounds scab over and heal a bit."

I have made such a radical jerking away from them motion, and cut so many ties. I need to get used to this new normal for a bit, before continuing this journey..

***

My imagination is still captured by the little boy playing trains with his psychopathic (but kind) Nazi father. 

I may need to explore this more, through hypnotherapy. 

Maybe I need to ask that boy (who, I think, is a subconscious metaphor for myself) what he fears? Or perhaps, why he objects to other parts of me fearing?

***

I could elaborate on the fact that Kim did not defend his son by talking to the authorities (principal), being bullied in school, but told him to fight back, even though it made it worse. This was the same pattern I grew up with, also seen in the Simpson’s. He feared being a “narc.” Homer feared breaking the school-yard code.

***

One day while cycling, the day grew hotter than expected. I was tired and complained of the sun, and so my dad lent me his hat. Then, he changed his mind as the sun beat on his head and demanded it back. I protested (I was about eight) that I was very hot. He grumpily told me that he was bald, and needed the hat more than me.

This memory stuck with me, because it was as though I had personally offended him in some way. It was off, and weird. 

Another memory was one of the first times us kids cooked a meal. We were perhaps 9-11. We had cooked porkchops or steaks. Likely, we had just taken them out of the oven. Because we didn't know dad was coming home to eat, we had shared up the meat equally. There was none left over for dad.

He came in mid meal, and let us know that he was personally offended for not having any. My brother cut off some of his meat and gave it to him. I did not. It is hard to remember the precise details of the conversation. But again, it felt off.

He could have celebrated us for making a meal by ourselves: he could have asked politely for some of our food. He could have handled it differently.

But he took it as a personal slight, and punished us (myself, anyways) emotionally for not taking him into consederation. This is not how I would have handled it, except perhaps on a very bad day, if I were famished. (I don't think this was the case with my dad. This sort of thing was normal.)

I don't think this is how a normal healthy person would have handled things.

***

While driving with Kim, he commented on a job he had last summer where he was driving supplies to firefighters, near the lines of the forest fire. It was incredibly risky.

"But if I die...I could imagine worse things than that." He said with a shrug.

"I couldn't," I said quickly.

It is part of a pattern. Kim's father did not value him as a child, just as mine did not. We were used as vassals, as pawns, as tools. No intrinsic worth, just value in what we did. And now, growing up, we see no value in ourselves. 

Why not die in a forest fire? Why not die on the mission field? After all what good am I, really? 

Answer, God loves you, and it would be an absolute tragedy if you died...

I keep asking Kim how he is doing, when he makes risky trips out of town, or midnight trips back to his hometown after telling me he has been awake for 20+ hours. He is always surprised, and deeply touched by my caring.

I'm glad he is touched. But I wish he would care for himself as much as God cares for him...

***

In trouble? Or doing poor job/could do better?

I notice that at work, when working with Joe, one is disciplined in this way: "Joe is really angry at you," or "If Joe saw this, he would be furious!" We are discipled through rage, or anger.

But this is off. It is not right. Shouldn't we be disciplined calmly, in accordance to our actions? 

What if Joe is in a  good mood that day? Then the punishments will be too light. If he's in a bad mood, they will be too heavy. If a person knows how to present the matter just right, they may get out of it. If a person is annoying, they will get far more discipline than they deserve. 

...and additionally, having anger as a critical part of the inner workings of a workplace creates an energy, a charge that is difficult for many people to manage. People start forgetting things, having bad days, and having petty rivalries.

This is the problem with narcissistic leadership.

***

Blog post on theology and God

A wrathful father… 

The sun warns the other children that he is in a bad mood, and they are spared. Is this how I have been seeing missions, and the wrath of God

There has been sin, and the father is demanding payment. But it is not really sin, only the father has been narcissistically offended, and is in a rage. One of the children takes to fall. He confesses to something that he did not do. The ultimate sacrifice. The others are spared. Is this how I have been seeing the atonement?

Emotional incest. God is sad, or in a bad mood. "Don’t do that, or you will make Jesus sad.” “Jesus wants to live in your heart.” (Why? Is he lonely?) “Do this, and you will make Jesus happy.” What we should be saying instead is that Jesus wants the best for us, and he will be happy in the sense that when we will do good, he can bless us.

...I have much to rethink, rework about my understanding of God. I believe that much of it is very unscriptural, as well as being emotionally unhealthy...

***

Not what they’ve done. It’s who they are. 

I realized, and said to my wife recently, "It's not about what my parents have done. It is about who they are." This is a crucial distinction. I am not punishing them for what they have done. It's just that I know they are bad people, and I don't have to live life with them if I chose not to. I chose not to.

***

I am very very close to blocking my brother. 

The man is supposedly a Christian, but is so saturated by sexual dysfunction that his facebook posts curl my toes. He recently said something horrific, and my wife confronted him. He removed the post. He is thoroughly enmeshed with my parents, and probably telling them anything they want to know about me.

He has not directly offended me: but the moment he does, I'm unfriending him. 

"What fellowship can light have with darkness?"

We have been growing apart for most of our lives, and I don't see what further good can come from a relationship with him. 

***

Married in the church...married a narcissist...no divorce allowed... really...?

...some thoughts to expand on sometime. I really don't know what I believe about divorce anymore. In the past, I would have been highly dismissal of any claims of "emotional abuse." "Unless I can see the marks in her hand and place my hand in her side..." I was convinced that any invisible wounds were either non-existent or too slight to merit major life-change. I was wrong.

I do not know anymore what I think about divorce, nor about remarriage. Some people think they are marrying a saint, and end up marrying a narcissist. Some even a dark triad. 

What a horrible thing that is. What good is it to add religious burdens to this? To demand that they stick it out for a lifetime of abuse, and that their children learn the same patterns of evil?

***

Judgmental towards healthy people. 

I notice that my parents were always judgmental towards healthy people. Like they were "too good" for them. (Ironic, because they somehow recognized that healthy people were good, in their own way) It is a bit like how Homer Simpson always resented Fred Flanders, the happy neighbour with a healthy family and healthy finances. 

I now look up to, and try to emulate healthy people. I have turned my life right side up. I do not judge or envy those who are doing better than myself: I try to learn from them. And -- surprise, surprise -- I find that usually these are very kind and decent people, who are more than willing to share their wisdom and expertise.

***

Distrust of counsellors, social services 

My dad always taught us to mistrust counsellors, and social services, and pretty much any other government authority such as policemen and ministry of natural resources officers. We knew (though none of us could remember being told) that if we ever told our teachers we were being spanked (with belts, spoons, in anger) that they could be reported, we could loose our entire family. We would be cast adrift in the foster care system. It would be a catastrophe. 

I grew up struggling to trust these sorts of people. 

I think that part of this was simple arrogance, part of it narrow mindedness. Part of it was the terrible experience that he had with his father, and the conviction that all authority was corrupt. 

But part of it...was likely control. So long as I did not trust others, I could not go to them for help. And I would need help, if ever I were to leave him.

And here I am. I have found help. And that help has helped me leave him.

He was not wrong, but he was evil.

**

Dark triad and chess. Played with grandfather. Older brother. 

What has he taught me that is wrong?

I realize that my dad loved chess. I think he played it with his dad. I do not like chess, because to win, you have to defeat the other person. It is a very personal game. You empathize (at least, I do) with your little players, and it hurts to loose your favourite one. I always seemed to get crushed.

I wonder if there was something about chess that always appealed to my dad? A great sense of control (machiavelianism). No concern for the pain of his opponent (psychopathy). Some perverse pleasure in seeing the adversary squirming, and failing and loosing (sadism). A reminder of how great, how amazing he is when he wins (narcissism). 

I wonder what other things my dad taught me, that I have to unlearn? What other things do I see through the harsh lens of a "dark triad" person?

***

Kim cried when he hurt himself. 

On the day that Kim really blew a fuse, the second (or third) time he hit his head on something (he really was too tired to work, and not a safe coworker), he flipped out, began flailing, and cried (in the voice of a small child), "Oh, come on!" He then flailed and kicked and left my presence to swear and curse.

I take notice when I see a small child emerge.

I feel as though what I caught a glimpse of was the abuse Kim endured as a child. And as an adult, the abuse continues. Kim continues to beat himself up. He literally hits himself, or parts of his brain walk him into objects, to punish himself. Especially on very bad days, when he thinks he deserves to be punished. Other parts of him cry out for mercy, but this only evokes an even harsher response from the discipline side.

This is a dark, and sad observation.

Kim truly is in his own personal hell, thanks to his father.

***

Note to reader: I am journalling and debating on facebook about the current pandemic, and our appropriate response to it. I am leaving these discussions out of this blog, since they are not on topic. However, it may interest readers to know that a significant amount of my energy is also going to worrying about the best way for the human race to handle this global catastrophe.