April 28 thoughts

-
I think I will begin blogging again. Not all at once, but as thoughts come to me. I think it would be more helpful for me to put my thoughts on paper than try to repress them in some way. I will redirect my input towards more positive things. But as darkness and disturbing images come to me, I will also write them down and seek to explain them, so that they do not have mastery over me.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

in sterquiliniis invenitur

-
Image
Before science was alchemy: a combination of religious, philosophical, and pseudo-scientific ideas. Although “archaic” by our standards, these thinkers were the brilliant minds of their time, and their work made way for true science. According to Jordan Peterson, one of their key dictums was in sterquiliniis invenitur. Peterson liked to interpret that phrase as, “what you most need will be located in the place that you least want to look.” But for my purposes, I like the literal: “in filth it shall be found.” Yes, in filth it shall be found. I am on a journey, and I cannot totally control my trajectory. I just know what the next step is, and which rock to look under next. Some places scare me: some intrigue me. Some disgust me. My recent post on “Girlie” disturbed me greatly. It got me thinking in a very uncomfortable direction. Very, very uncomfortable. Will I publish these words? I do not know. But I need to take this journey. Pubishing is a separate issue. I need to ...
Read more

How my mom made me mad... (Dec 10)

-
How my mom made me mad In a previous post, I mentioned that I had gotten very mad at my mom as a teen. Mad enough to yell “I hate you” at her. And for this, I was spanked. With a belt. As a 16+ year old. And I apologized for it. Try as I can, I cannot remember the specific thing that made me mad. However, I was able to remember the  feeling. As I focus on that feeling, a cluster of other memories comes to the surface.. ** I was sitting on the computer (now in the main area of our house) playing video games. I did that for hours at a time. They weren’t even fun or “good” games. My brothers were into World of Warcraft and Final Fantasy. But I didn’t play those games. I played simple games like solitaire, and basic, cheesy games with poor graphics. Much better games were available. Why was I playing so much? It is hard to say.  I was trying to find work, but not having much success. Why wasn’t I having success?  I had a job as a dishwasher one da...
Read more

The End

-
Image
I think that it is time for me to draw this blog to a close. I wanted to send out a note to thank everyone who has been reading along. During these very intense six months, this blog has helped me to: 1) Define and clearly understand certain terms such as narcissism, psychopathy, evil and "no contact" 2) To comprehend and find some level of healing for my difficult childhood 3) To decide, and become very comfortable with my decision of cutting off all contact with my own parents I am feeling a shift in myself since: 1) I no longer have the desire to talk or think at length about my parents. I have to stifle the urge to yawn when they are brought up. I feel like a veil pulls over my mind's eye when I think about them. It's not fun to think about such wicked people, and there does not seem to be new or relevant things to think about.  2) I do not feel a desire to go deeper into the key issues of this blog, such as the nuances of narcissism, psych...
Read more

Workplace Narcissism: Diaries

-
[Note: I had several minor incidents working with narcissists at work. I collected them all into this post] While being trained for a task, I did a minor mistake. I accidentally bumped a button, causing machinery to go in the wrong direction. I quickly pushed a button to make it come back, and the unexpected motion blew a fuse. Kim and I were stressed about it for a while, and tried to fix it. Finally, electricians came and changed the fuse. There was no real harm done. On the way home, (we carpool) I asked Kim if it was me pushing the button that blew the fuse. He was very reluctant to answer the question. “I would never ever say it was your fault,” he said. “But I just want to know if that’s what I did there cause that reaction?” It seemed important to know. I wasn’t offended if it was me. It was an honest mistake.  He did verbal gymnastics for a while, trying his very best to avoid putting any blame on me, but finally said yes, probably it was you. “But I’m not blamin...
Read more

A need to get away...

-
Although we had asked my parents for space , I had no confidence that they would give it to us. My mom had sent an angry and confusing letter . It was very hard to interpret, but what I felt was a strong sense of shame, entitlement (she felt entitled to my space, myself, my children), and no comprehension or respect at all of my boundaries.  One aspect I found very disturbing -- and quite confusing -- was that she mentioned the scenario of meeting in the grocery store, and my awkwardly trying to ignore her, and scoot past her.  This was exactly the scenario I had imagined in my dream , months earlier. I had spent hours obsessing over this image: it was like a PTSD image, that I had on repeat in my mind. How did my mom have the same image/dreams as myself ?  Then she related a dream. This dream was very different than any dream I have had. However, the fact that she was also having symbolic dreams about our relationship also troubled me. Just how linked are w...
Read more

A Psalm for Victims of Abuse

-
Image
👇 my commentary below 👇 O Lord, You have searched me and known me . You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar. You scrutinize my path and my lying down, And are intimately acquainted with all my ways. Even before there is a word on my tongue, Behold, O Lord, You know it all. You have enclosed me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. Such  knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is too high, I cannot attain to it. Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, Even there Your hand will lead me, And Your right hand will lay hold of me. If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night,” Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You. For You ...
Read more