Goodbye to hyper-vigilance?
Joe told me about it, and I instantly smacked my forehead, and said, “oh no! Sorry about that!”
He basically just shrugged and said, “make sure you don’t do that again,“ and kept walking.
Considering how hard he was on me for having a 2nd cup of coffee in the day, or letting the garbage pile up, or whatever else… It was really surprising that he just let this slide.
There are two possibilities. It is possible that upper management has been talking to him (see below) and he is trying to be nicer to me.
However, it seems that I have noticed this before. When I genuinely do something wrong – and I am not saying I’m perfect! – He doesn’t really bug me about it. However, when I don’t do anything wrong but he happens to be in a bad mood, he finds a way to pick on me about just about everything. It is like I get in more trouble for things I don’t actually do wrong than for things that I do do wrong. It is strange. And I’m into analyzing strange things right now.
It seems to me that, on the intensity scale ( 1/10), how harshly Joe will discipline is something like this:
I do something wrong, but not annoying: 3
I do something annoying: 3-4
I do something both wrong and annoying: 6-7
He’s annoyed (but not at me): 3-5
He’s annoyed, and I happen to be there: 1
These points can be added:
So if he’s annoyed at life, I can expect:
...for simply existing and being visible: 4-6
...for making any mistake: 6-8
...for annoying him: 8-9
...for making an annoying mistake: 9-12 (off the scale)
Whereas if he's in a good mood:
...for simply existing and being visible: 1
...for making any mistake: 3
...for annoying him: 3-4
...for making an annoying mistake: 6-7 (bad, but still a lot better than above!)
(Note: actually, this is not correct. If I do something wrong, it may reflect well on the narcissist. So in the moment, it may actually caused him to be happy. “See, I told you you were an idiot! Of course I forgive you…“ So depending on the offense, if it is not annoying to him, and it makes him look good, it may actually be a positive interaction. In the past, I may have misinterpreted this as mercy, when really it is condescension and contempt, mixed with self congratulation and arrogance)
When I see these numbers like this (and I spent way too much time fine-tuning these numbers… And I am not quite satisfied with them yet!) It makes me think of a few things…
First, it is no wonder that my brain decided it was necessary to devote so much resources into determining what mood my narcissistic parents were in. So much changes depending on their mood! One day, you could get severely punished for simply making noise, or leaving a cupboard door open, or simply… Simply existing. “What are you looking at?!?“ There were days my dad was so mad he would look at me for an excuse to be angry at me, but couldn’t find any, so he just said that. He was mad at me for looking at him. As I think about those moments. I didn’t have a defiant look on my face either. If anything, I kept my face very neutral. That was always the way I went when he was angry. Neutral and submissive.
I had a teenage friend who had a barometer that he examined daily, because he said that his (narcissistic) father was very influenced by barometric pressure. If the pressure was high, his joints would flare up, he would be grumpy, and his whole day would be different. How sad for a child to have to be so concerned about the emotional well-being of his father. It is too bad the father could not regulate his own emotions, (he was a pastor, after all) and demanded that others do it for him.
A second thing that this makes me think of is whether it would be a good idea to tell my mind to stop paying so much attention. At a recent hypnotherapy session, Chantelle asked me, “what did this memory teach you?“ (It was a memory about getting in trouble for seemingly nothing). “It taught me to pay attention.“ We realize that this was the time when the hypervigilance started. She asked me, “do you think it would be good to tell your mind that you can start paying so much attention?“ My reply was that no, it seems like a useful skill.
I can read people. I know when they are lying. I know what emotions they are feeling. I can usually tell what they are thinking about me when they are speaking to me. I just know things about people.
However, there is only so much room in my brain. Let’s be honest, and a bit humble. I cannot carry on this hypervigilance without something else suffering. Also, it gives people like Joe an access point. He knows it, and I know it. In this blog, I have mentioned very subtle body language gestures, which had a profound influence on me from Joe. Some people would not have picked up on them. But I knew exactly what he meant. And he knew that I knew. I don’t mean our conscious minds knew. I mean our unconscious minds knew, and he, as a narcissist and a bully, knew how to bully me, and get away with it.
He could just tell I have been raised to tiptoe around an angry dictator, and so all he had to do was flash me those angry eyebrows, and inside a little boy would tremble. Except not, because I am learning how to stand with confidence, and I have been standing up to him.
But here is an idea: I’m not sure I like it yet. But here is the idea. Let’s see where this goes. What if I worked actively on turning that off? What if I stopped hyper analyzing people. Just stopped second-guessing whether they are being truthful. I’m not noticing (literally, not caring) whether people around me are in a good mood or a bad mood. Of course, it would be impossible to turn this off entirely. It would not be safe. However, could I turn the dial from maximum down to minimum? And only pick up on it when people are in a really bad mood?
It is an interesting hypothesis. Again, I am not entirely sure I like the idea. Who wants to voluntarily turn down a superpower? But I could see how it would make me a more calm and focused person. It may actually protect me from being targeted by narcissists in the future.
My final thought on this is regards to super powers. As mentioned before, I am making my slow way through a book called, “jumper.“ It is about a boy who was raised by an abusive father. He develops a superpower, which is the ability to teleport anywhere at will. The author has far too much familiarity with the dynamics of abuse not to have lived it himself. I do not know the author, and he has not provided an autobiography. But what I am imagining is that The author was himself raised in similar situations – likely by an abusive, alcoholic, and narcissistic father – and that he dreamt of the ability to teleport away. For example, while enduring terrible rage and beatings. Teleportation may have been a mental metaphor for disassociation: a calming coping techniques.
This got me thinking about super powers. What superpowers did I dream of having as a child?
I dreamt of the ability to fly, and also the ability to levitate things with my mind. I am not entirely sure, but I think the ability to levitate things with my mind came from the constant insistent that I must be smarter than others, and my parents constantly telling me that I was a genius… Then the next minute calling me stupid. It seemed like intelligence was very important in this world. And so I dreamt of being so smart that I could make things right in the air just with my mind. Wouldn’t that be a super power? Then everyone would finally know that I am smart…
My other superpower as a child was being invisible. I used to sneak around the house super quietly (or so I thought) so quietly that my parents could not hear me. I used to envision myself as a spy, or as a ghost. I remember they get a feeling of being able to sneak through a room, or behind a couch, without my parents noticing I was there.
Given what I have said above, it is not at all surprising that I at times wanted to be invisible. Or, that I found it so important to be able to be invisible.
As mentioned, simply existing and being noticed would be enough to find yourself in the crosshairs. If dad was in a bad mood, I could receive anything from a 5287 intensity of rage, simply for being there. “If only! If only that floorboard had not Creek at that moment! If only I had not breed so heavy! If only I had not dropped – oh why, why did I drop it! That toy that made a clattering noise… Then I would not be in bed right now, crying…”
I wonder if in some ways, I am still that little child, tiptoeing around. Trying not to bother anybody. Trying not to get on the radar and get noticed by angry people. I am so terrified of angry people out there being mad at me, on twitter, for example.
However, there’s a conflict between that scared little child, and the maturing adult that I am today. I have things to say. Very interesting things. I seem to be drawn towards fixing things. And challenging the norms. This is perhaps my gift to the world. And ability to see clearer, to speak the truth into situations, and to shake up the status quo. But how can I shake up the status quo, while I am terrified of upsetting my father?
And as I say that, part of me tells me that I am also afraid of upsetting my heavenly father. Just how much nonsense will he allow me to say, before the Big foot falls? Sometimes I feel is though God is lenient for a while, and then it all falls down.
This could be another breakthrough for myself. How do you turn it off? Turn off my fears that God will be angry at me if I speak the truth. The honest truth! At least, the closest I can get to my own honest truth. Will God be angry? Will other people be angry? Will I be able to handle it if people are angry at me? Will that be devastating? Or will I be able to turn it off. That their anger will not register inside of me. There will be a barrier. I boundary.
I need nothing from them, I fear nothing from them. If they give me praise, nice. But I do not and trust myself to them, nor do I go to them for my affirmation: like Jesus, “I do not and trust myself to them, because I know what is in the heart of every person.” If they give me criticism and rage, so what? that is on them, not on me.
I keep going round and round, asking questions about what I want to do with my blog and podcast. Maybe the bigger question is not what I want to do out there, with those resources. Rather, the bigger question is what do I want to do in here? Is it time to turn off the hypervigilance? And with it, is it time to turn off my fears? Is it time to stop caring so much what other people are feeling about me and towards me?
Who would I become if I no longer cared What people were feeling towards me? Or, to see it another way:
What truths would I speak if I no longer feared man?
I think I would become formidable, and speak truth which shake the world, and caused enough cracks to allow hope to grow.
That is what I think I would do.
Comments
Post a Comment