Having a bad day...?

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The other day, while backing up a winding/difficult ramp to our customer, I forgot a feature of the truck. I got out to fix it, and realized I had forgotten a second thing. I had a 🤦‍♂️ facepalm sort of moment and began thinking of every other thing I had done wrong that day. 

Wow, Ishmael. You’re really having an off day.

Scarcely had the words been though than a second voice piped up and very adamantly began staying and repeating, 

No, you are not having a bad day. I refuse to believe you are having a bad day. Take it back! This is not true! Do not say that! This is not a bad day! If you had not forgotten that one thing, you would not be thinking this is a bad day. You would think it was a good day. So stop it! This is not a bad day! Don’t say this is a bad day...

I listened to the voice and actually had a pretty good day. 

This got me thinking...Kim is basically a great guy and a very competent employee. But he has epically bad days. These bad days more than outweigh all of his good days, and put us all at risk. They also frustrate the he’ll out of anyone who works with him. “Some days you are so good! And then some days, you are just shit! Why? Why can’t you just consistently be bad (and we would fire you) or constantly be good (and we would trust abc promote you!)”

I think that for someone raised in an abusive home, the fear of being caught making mistakes can be crippling. They have been raised to believe that they deserve wrath for the slightest mistake, even simple forgetfulness. This puts them on edge, when others are relaxed. But deeper than that, they are raised with the deep awareness that their acceptant is based on promenade. The moment that you are off no use to a narcissist, you will be rejected. Some parents even disciplined through rejection. “Go to your room. I don’t even want to look at you right now.” And everything they do, every day is bridling a case: ether for why they should be accepted as a useful child, or rejected as a disappointment. Such language is harsh, but accurate to what I have experienced. 

Any slip up is seen as a major blow against ones fundamental character. Not “I forgot to put the doohickey in place,” but, “I’m such an idiot! I’m always forgetting stuff. If dad could see me now, he’s be so mad, so disappointed in me...” The thought that they may have done something so bad is deeply disturbing. And so the guilt is transferred to “the day.” 

It’s not my fault. I’m not like this normally. I’m just having a bad day.

Except that days are long by nature. (Mostly 24 hours, so I’m told) And, “I’m having a bad day” is a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. In order to legitimize the statement that “I’m having a bad day,” perhaps more mistakes need to happen, to prove it really is a bad day. And so the subconscious lets a few more accidents happen. It seems psychologically necessary. But the person does not fully believe it is the days fault. They secretly are also blaming and curving themselves. With their fathers voice in their head — amoiified, no doubt, by any spiritual dark forces they have allowed into their lives — the cloud grows bigger, the voices grow louder, the chaos becomes more and more palpable, and the day goes from annoying to frustrating to terrible to downright dangerous. 

Then, I suppose, the person ca excuse themselves. “Look, I was just having a bad day.”

“Well, I can see that. You really messed up a lot that one day...but usually your performance is better than that...”

“Yeah, Sorry. Just a really, really bad day. It won’t happen again..”

Except that in Kim’s case, it will happen again. And again. And again. 

He’s sabotaging himself, and putting us all at risk...

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