How to stop? How to rest?

Lately, my wife has been telling me — in increasingly more forceful language — that I need to slow down. It is having a deleterious effect on my health and mental wellbeing. And so I have tried to slow down, as mentioned.

However, it is not entirely clear how to do so.

It seems to me that the most difficult thing for my mind is unresolved trauma, and questions it cannot answer. This is why it was so addictive to keep unraveling more and more of the mystery. I was not so much unraveling, as I was remaking myself. With every post, I felt that I was growing stronger. 

I do recognize that it all got too much. Some things were out of my control. They changed the work schedule to start at 6:00 AM. With kids, and time with my wife, it was a rare night where I could see sleep before 10:00 PM: and so I was getting 6.5-7 hours, when I really needed more. Often, kids would wake up needing to be changed, and sometimes I had nightmares. Sometimes I woke up an extra half hour early to podcast or blog as well.

Also, my boss at work (code-named “Joe”) is a certified narcissist, and is also a certified pain in the butt. His mind games kept me occupied long after I got home. 

Finally — I’m not sure if anybody noticed, but there is a pandemic going on. I say, “I’m not sure if anybody noticed,” because some people genuinely haven’t seemed to notice. They are still comparing the virus to the flu, and encouraging people to go our rioting in the streets without any PPE, or any care for others. I have unfollowed most of the people who are (in my estimation) spreading misinformation and putting others at risk. However, I have also spent a fair bit of time debating them. It is a discussion that I have a hard time avoiding: I find these matters important, and there is something so tantalizing about someone say something so clearly wrong, which also can harm others. I have gotten into some discussions on Twitter, as well as Facebook on these subjects.

All of these things have been spinning in my mind. In addition, I have been podcasting — sending out about three podcasts a week. I also have a french-language podcast which I have not done anything with for over a year, but which still has quite a few hits and downloads. I recently recorded another episode for it. I have several dozen recordings of sermons and bible studies that I would like to upload sometime. I have launched my children’s story podcast. It instantly jumped to 60 hits a day, which is fairly respectable in comparison to my other podcasts: but it has not significantly improved since then. I am frustrated with it, because my intention was to listen to it before the audience, and label episodes: but they have gotten away from me, and now they all just say, “the adventure continues,” rather than having compelling titles. I feel frustrated because I wanted this to be a big launch, of a compelling podcast, perhaps the beginning of my writing career. But the podcasts are just kind of dribbling out there, without any particular care. At this rate, all of my content will be released in a few more months, and it will be just as much of a tangled mess out there as it is on my hard drive. 

As I write this, I realize that a simple solution for the podcast would be to slow down the rate of release. Once a week is a fairly reasonable release rate. Especially with over 40 podcasts already. This would give me time to catch up on editing. Also, I could make a facebook and twitter post every time an episode is released. Who knows? Maybe people will even start to look forward to episodes. At once a week, I have several years worth of content. But if I catch up and surpass the release date, I can always speed up for a while. This could be a helpful thing. My main intention with this is to clean up and improve my content: and so slowing down seems to be the best way to do that.

I have done it, and that does make me feel better. I can keep working on my content, and release it only when I am really confident in it. I have a backlog to catch up on, but this is now a realistic amount.

Another thing that bothers me is wanting to do interviews for my podcast. This is coming to me naturally, not forced. It feels like a natural progression for my podcast, and something I would really like to do. However, my schedule changes around so much with work, it is hard to know when to schedule someone. Also, the most easy and logical choice for an interview os Chantal, but I am still not completely sure what I believe about hypnotherapy. I use it, but am not sure whether I would endorse it, critique it, or what. And so that keeps me in a thought-loop on that subject. 

I keep wanting to call up fairly famous/busy people and be like, “Let’s talk about something!” This is the beauty and power of podcasts: you can literally talk to anybody! Imagine how much I could learn, if I just began talking to a wide variety of people on the internet? All experts in their own fields. 

But it seems that I cannot do this until I have a proven track record of “smaller” interviews. But this sounds a bit like work, and it makes me tired and makes me think again of conserving my energy.

This is something that I keep coming back to: I want to make a difference, have a voice, and solve meaningful problems in the world. This genuinely gives me energy, and it gives me energy precisely for the battle that I am now in. 

The difference between a nightmare and a hero’s quest is that the hero thinks that he is winning against the darkness, whereas the nightmare is that the darkness is stronger. And so if I am winning in other areas, that seems to give me fuel for the essential battle that I am fighting: and I mean that literally. Winning battles (I am told…by Dr. Jordan Peterson) trains the brain that they are a “winner,” and teaches it to release serotonin, to suppress cortisol, and to rewire the brain into the wiring of a champ, an “alpha.” 

The opposite of all of this, of course, would be running away. There have been a number of topics from which I have “run away.” 

Once, while debating Muslims online, I simply had too much on my plate and so had to abruptly leave the conversation rather than finding an answer to their questions. This was the right thing to do: I had a class in the morning. However, my brain registered it as a “defeat,” and I have not had the courage to debate Islam again online for years. It actually caused a sort of “breakdown” in my mind, which is hard to explain. It was part of other things, but it felt like that was part of a mini mental burnout for myself. 

It is important for me that I do not back down, and that I do not loose intellectual battles that are important to me. It is really important. Important in a  way that others can’t really understand. 

So that brings us to the present: in addition to the immense clutter created from having discussions regarding a pandemic, having three podcasts and a blog, having a stressful job — all in addition to the journey that I am now on — on top of all of this (this is how it feels, “on top of”) I feel the added pressure to “stop it all.” 

That is probably not how she means to say it, but that is the pressure that I feel at times. My health (mental and physical) have been flagging for the past three weeks. For two weeks solid, I had to take naps after work, dragged around, and she had to more or less hold up the fort. She fears another burnout, as I went through several years ago. 

“Slow down! Stop!” She keeps telling me.

I have an appointment later today for anxiety meds. I have taken some of hers before, and they do seem to help.

Specifically, they help me to focus. To look at only one thing at a time, and do it well. To have a general sense of peace and wellbeing. In talking with her, I realize that I have been spinning a bit. The frustration that I feel in regards to having so many projects on the go may actually be pointing to a deeper problem: I have to have so many projects on the go. It is my coping mechanism. 

And so I see and recognize the problem. But what to do about it?

I decided — rather abruptly — that I would stop blogging, to give myself a break. But was this the right plan? 

I took a hypnotherapy session, which means that I did a lot of processing: But I did not blog it, and later that day could not even remember what we had discussed. I keep having thoughts and triggers related to my parents, but I am not journalling them, and try not to talk too much about them to my wife. 

As I say this, my head begins to hurt.

And that reminds me of a few days ago, when we visited my brother. He made a positive comment regarding our father, and it significantly triggered me. 

The next day, I had a migraine and couldn’t get out of bed until 4 PM, when I finally took a strong migraine med. 

All of this has me thinking: is it really the right thing to not journal? 

If I don’t write it out, where do all of those thoughts go? Are they still all up there? All jumbled, all bumping into one another? All causing headaches, fatigue, and stress responses?

It is possible that I cannot completely control what is happening inside of my mind: once it is on my mind, once it is bothering me, I can’t just pretend that it is not. I need to give it voice, and what works for me is to put it onto paper. Then, it seems, my body can rest. Yes, as I write that my body felt much better. It wishes to speak, and be heard. It was not right to try to silence it: and I do not think this is what my wife was wanting in the first place.

However, perhaps I can bring down the intensity by redirecting my gaze. I don’t need to spend more time staring into the abyss. I already know that my parents are irredeemably evil people. I do not want them close to myself or my kids. I don’t need to keep digging, to see just how deep the roots of evil go. As I keep reading more on these subjects, they keep triggering memories and thoughts which keep me oriented in a negative direction. This is very exhausting, and perhaps it is time to look elsewhere.

That being said, the thoughts which have already been triggered probably just need to come out. I can’t stop them, and it is probably adding to my fatigue and feelings of illness to try to suppress them. 

“Garbage in, garbage out,” is the expression. I have been bringing a lot of garbage in. Maybe I need to bring in less for a while: there is only so much one can handle. But also, I do need to let it out. And so maybe a day of blogging — or blogging as I find time — might be helpful.

As to where to direct my gaze? I have been listening to Harry Potter in audio book format. This has been giving me a legitimate break.

But when I think more of my parents (which still feels somewhat unresolved), I think that the next thing to study could very well be “no contact.” The book, “the Christian’s guide to no contact” is proving very helpful. It is not an easy thing for a Christian to get to the place of no contact. But this book is helping me to understand the concept biblically. Especially, how to “cut out evil people” in one’s life. Once one has the courage to apply the word “evil” to someone, it is not at all hard to find many verses that speak of cutting off ties from evil people.

I think that I definitely will plunge deeply into the true evil of my parents — especially my dad, as a psychopathic, sadistic, machiavellian (“dark triad”), narcissistic person. He is literally the definition of evil, and all of the villains of fiction and of history are based on his personality type. 

It has been said that the measure of a  good book is the depth of evil in the villain. Man, could I ever write some damn good books, once I get this all dealt with.

But not today.

Today, I think the best thing to study (as I have space to study) would be the question of, “how to cut off ties to evil people.” 

The next question is, “how to clean up some of this clutter”? A few things come to mind:

1. The online clutter. I am not trying to “push” any one component: it is there, getting some views. But it’s not like I’m trying to get momentum, and if I back off the intensity, views will drop off. They stay pretty steady and moderate.
2. If these online channels provide an outlet, and a vent to my self-expression, and my ability to process, then they are good things. If they add pressure to my life, then they may be unhelpful. (A little pressure is not bad, but too much pressure, especially from diverse sources, is really hurtful right now). A simple way to handle this is to make a promise to myself that I have no compulsion to write. If I feel like it, I will write, publish in various channels. But I don’t have to. 
3. The online clutter seems a reflection of the internal clutter. And that is the real problem. If I am bouncing from thing to thing, then something is not right in my mind. I need to calm the fuck down, and focus. 
4. When I calm down and focus, it is not unusual to feel “inspired” to create something. I may create a blog post for one of my two blogs, my three podcasts, or facebook, or twitter. So long as I am working out of inspiration, (and not compulsion) there is no problem
5. …and so as I write all of this, I realize that maybe there is no problem in having such a diverse online world. I have created something to fit my needs. And when I have a need to express myself in certain ways, I can do so. I will not be alone: there will be people who will listen and appreciate my work. As I continue to grow, no doubt, one of these channels will grow and overshadow the others. But there is no need to rush it.

Another thing that seems really important is simply to spend time with family out of doors these days. Spring is really on its way, and it is beautiful out there. Nature and work in the woods is very healing and calming to myself. 

….but I really do like the idea of doing podcast interviews. These would help me to refine my thoughts on various topics, and would genuinely be fun to do. They would take energy, but they would also redirect my focus off of my journey. This seems helpful to do right now. I can’t help that I have a very active mind: but I can help what it is directed at. Intentionally redirecting its focus, I suppose.