Joe: learning to let it slide

I am realizing that the jabs and verbal assaults of Joe not really bothering me anymore.

Actually, his attitude towards me has changed dramatically in the past week or two. He no longer calls me “dogger.” His new name for me is, “buddy.” This seems like a significant upgrade.

Also, his face seems genuinely open to me, and his expressions kind.

He does still sometimes try to control me, and demand unreasonable things. Today, for example, he told me to back up my truck on the passenger side (around a corner) instead of on the driver side. I responded quickly that the reason I always back out this way is because of the Smith Driving Tools, which we had taken in orientation, said this was a safer way to back up. He did not listening, but insisted that I do it both ways to practice. I rebutted that I have been driving for seven years, and I can back up just fine from either direction. I just want to be safe.

The brief interchange ended in laughs and shrugs. “Fine, I can do it your way.” I did, and was instantly reminded of why I back up from the other direction. It is very difficult to see what is going on on the far side of the truck.

But the interchange did not really bother me. As I drove away, I said to myself, with a shake of my head and a slight smile on my face, “fuck off and just let me do my job! I know what I am doing!”

But that is Joe. 🤷‍♂️ He’s a bit of a twit, but we can’t all be perfect. 😂

***

I was just rereading my note from yesterday, entitled “morning laughs.” It got me thinking..

I notice that my ability to come up with comebacks has very greatly increased, with what has been happening lately in me. I’m kind of surprised to think of the ways that I have been talking back. Not that I am doing it indolently or combatively: but I used to just freeze and stutter. In the above discussion, I very rapidly (basically instantly) recalled, 1) I had a reason for backing the way I did, 2) this reason came from training, 3) that training was called (I had to hesitate for half a second to recall this) “the Smith driving method,” 4) I was able to respond that I was being safe, not lazy in my actions. To think that my mind came up with this in mere seconds is quite remarkable. This is a marked shift in how I have responded. In the past (as little as six months ago) I likely would have: 1) physically and mentally frozen, 2) put on a goofy, defensive grin, 3) taken on submissive body posture, such as hunched shoulders, lowered head, leaning head in and to the side, 4) taken responsibility for the action by saying “sorry,” and “I won’t do it again,” 5) let him power-trip on me (as he no doubt would have) by ranting for several minutes about anything else I have ever done wrong, or that anybody in any group that he could put me (drivers, new employees, local workers, etc.) had ever done. (This is the behaviour I first noticed with Joe, that bothered me so much), 6) drove away quite bothered by a) my own lack of ability to speak under pressure, b) feeling shame for all of the things he had accused he of, c) feeling like I was having/would have a “bad day.”

In all of these ways, I have changed very dramatically. I am not the person I used to be. And I really think that it shows!