Love and Respect?

The concept of "love and respect" (Ephesians 5) is very strong in todays evangelical culture, due to a book of this name. We read it and tried to apply it early in our marriage. Except that it never seemed (to my young, immature, slightly narcissistic self) that my wife could ever respect me enough.

This is because a narcissist is extremely fragile. When offended (and the offences can be the slightest thing), they suffer "narcissistic offence," and can go into "narcissistic rage." The narcissist often dislikes this as much as the victim, and so tries to teach others how not to offend them. "Don't comment on my hair...or my weight...or the way I dress. Don't mention it when I sing too loud, or off key. That's a trigger. Don't mention money, that makes me feel like a bad provider. Don't ask me to clean, are you calling me lazy? Don't tell me to do something, ask me to. I don't feel respected when you tell me what to do..." On and on. The rules. The eggshells.

There is something to the concept of love and respect. Everyone needs them. Marriages thrive on them. 

But a narcissist is a poor judge of what it means to be "respected." And a child growing up in a dysfunctional home has a hard time calibrating this as well.

There is a big difference between treating one another with respect, as human beings, and tiptoeing around one another's immaturities and issues. The former is laudable: the former is dysfunctional.

...yet...both fall under the same name. And the latter is often passed off as spiritual in Christian circles. 

This is something that deserves more of my written attention.