Meds

Yesterday, I had an appointment with a doctor, and asked to go on meds. My wife has been taking some anxiety meds for a few months now, and I have seen a marked difference in her. At a previous doctor’s appointment, I had discussed with a doctor the possibility, but we had both decided that I probably didn’t need them. I later realized that I was also really afraid that meds would alter who I truly was, or make me unable to really process the trauma. I didn’t want to mask my inner voice, but to hear it.

What I have seen in my wife so far is that the meds have given her the ability to listen more clearly to her inner voice. She has made a huge amount of progress in these past months, whereas before she seemed just stuck in her issues.

I have been spinning and perhaps spiralling with a wide number of issues, and sometimes frustrated that I cannot “focus” on just one thing. My wife recently helped me realize that this inability to focus was itself a stress response. She had some “emergency” anxiety meds, and I have taken them three times. At none of these times did I think to myself, “I am stressed out of my mind! I need to take something!” Rather, it was something like, “This debate on facebook is really out of hand. I can’t get out of it, and I can’t seem to stop it or win it. Argh! I’m so mad…” While also being mad/overwhelmed by two or three other issues, all swirling around. 

Once I took the meds, the effect was not instant. But in conjunction with taking the meds, I usually also recognized, “I need to slow down.” Sometimes, I have just let conversations on facebook slide. I can’t win them all. It really hurts me, but sometimes I just need to let it go (even if they are sooo wrong, and even if I have the answer to that question!). As I have let these matters go, and also as the meds have worked, I have seen myself slow down to where I am only focusing on one thing, and able to do it well and with some amount of joy and passion.

One example is making audio books. I really, really like audio books, and have a system set up with an old kindle and a voice recorder to make audio books. However, I was having a day last week when nothing seemed to be working. All of my electronics were conspiring against me. I was so frustrated!

I just realized yesterday that it was only a simple problem. The file was uploaded to the computer, but I had to give it one or two minutes to fully upload before I could turn it into an audio book. That’s it. Just slow down. Take a breath. Give it a second. And it will work just fine.

But I was anxious, busy, clicking madly, and getting more frustrated by the minute. Sure that all of my technology was demon posessed. No, I was just too anxious. 

So once I slowed down, I was able to see that not only this, but other matters as well could be easily rectified.

This makes me think of a squirrel I saw at work. I was driving our big trucks around, when a squirrel came tearing out in front of me. Then he stopped, ran two steps back. Then two steps forwards. Then back, then forwards. He stopped and trembled, and thought about ti. Finally, he ran back to where he had come from. If I were going fast, he would be dead.

That is a frantic mind in action. No doubt, predators use this to their advantage. A mind going too quickly is really no help to the person. A mind needs to move slowly, efficiently, clearly, and with focus. 

So far, this is what I have seen these meds doing. And I hope that they will continue, as I seek to find healing in this season of my life.