Morning Laughs...

morning laughs

This morning while getting my gear on, I asked Joe about a major contract another employee had told me about yesterday. We have been plagued with lack of work since I started here two months ago, and the pandemic is not helping things. But this contract would give us ten hours of work a day, starting in one week. It would be such a large contract, I don’t even know how we can fill it, with our current schedule. 

I asked Joe about it, and he became visibly annoyed. “No, it’s, just, no...” he made a series of grunts and shrugs and noises that (were I still in the mode of trying to read him) no doubt I would have picked up on and shut up. But I did not shut up. I am an employee here, and this contract will affect me quite a bit. Lately, they have been calling me the night before to alter my schedule. But one week's warning is not too much to ask, if they are going to ask us to start working ten hour days or some such thing. 

“No, there’s no contract, or no stop asking about it?” I pressed.

He made even more exasperated sounds and motions. “Just, just...”

He put his arm straight, his hand lifted straight at right angles to his arm. With his hand flat, he made a pushing down motion as he said, “just just..” this is body language for “stop.” 

“I’ll let you know when it’s time!” He finally sputtered, and left. 

I was amused by the event. As I turned to leave, I thought, “Knowledge is power, and Joe wants to keep it all to himself.”

He continues to remind me that I have only been working x number of weeks. I should not have certain knowledge and privileges yet. All the other employees recognize, however, that I am doing an above average job, and some employees (Kim) who have been here much longer are doing a less good job than I am. 

In other news, Kim traveled to a major city, outside of our quarantine area, then came in to work two days ago. He casually admitted to Joe that he had broken company policy — and the law! — by making this unnecessary trip. He was sent home for a two week mandatory quarantine. 

When my wife heard, she said, “there is really something not right in his head. Like, really. I wonder what is going on with him?” She said this compassionately. We have both poured a lot into his life over the years. He was in our youth group, and I mentored him for years. “I think his trauma just keeps him running. He can’t stop. And he does such irrational things!”

Irrational, yes, and actions that put himself and all of us at risk. 

It is frustrating. Hurtful. So sad. 

Oh Kim! Pull it together!

“He had a very similar childhood to what you had,” my wife reminded me, “but he just stopped trying.” That is true. 

I wish he would start trying again. For his sake and for us all. 

His actions have put his entire town in serious risk. He can and should be reported for this: if he causes an outbreak he could be fined up to a million dollars. 

I sure hope his trip was worth it. 

**

Joe stopped by my work station later to tell me what is happening next, and also to express his frustration that I dared to ask about next week. 

“I don’t know what big plans you got going on Friday, that you need to know what’s going on...”

I shrugged and gave a blank face. 

“Well, were just trying to schedule work in as we get it...we don’t have all the answers, OK..?!”

He blustered and rambled for a bit and I didn’t respond. 

Fuck you Joe. I thought. I was just asking about what you will be requiring of me in less than a week. One week you give me 25 hours. The next, maybe I’m working 60? My wife and family would just like to know what us going on. A totally reasonable request. 

This time, he bugged me a bit.

I have been working through the forgiveness prayer as I work...

**

This latest interchange is another reminder that you can never really trust a narcissist. A narcissist would sell his own mother for approval and acceptance, given the right set of circumstances. 

I have been on Joe’s good side. I’m happy about that. But I will never trust him. I can never trust him. 

I am only an object to him. I can perform with excellence all I like: but the moment I slip up, he will always backhand me like a dog. If it ever comes to “me or him,” he would throw me under the bus in a heartbeat. This means that I can never trust him with my weaknesses, my private life, or any vulnerabilities. 

Life with Joe will always be a kind of war. Most days, there will be a truce. Maybe even amicable trade, if it is mutually beneficial. But he can not ever be my friend. I don’t know if he is capable of friendship.

He is an adversary, and I need to keep that in mind at all times, especially on good days.