Taking a break

-
Yesterday, I woke up with an ethical dilemma on my hands. My first day off I felt a tickle in my throat, and some pressure in my chest. But on the second day off, I woke up with half my face feeling very stuffy. I gave an experimental cough and could feel the phlegm in my chest.

Throughout the day, it was evident that I had a cold. I’m not worried about covered, but the guidelines are pretty clear that I am not go to work if I have a sore throat or cold of any kind. It is what I would expect of others, if they are feeling sick.

Rather than call in sick, I pulled in a favour and got a friend to cover my shift. I spent the whole day napping. And nap in the morning, and afternoon, and still slept eight hours. Today, it was the same. Morning nap, afternoon nap. I’m feeling a bit better, but still sluggish.

Again, I am not worried about Covid. There’s not a reasonable way that I could have been infected (although I suppose nobody is save these days, especially since everyone has to go out sometimes club). However, what this has underlined for us is that I have just been pushing far too hard for too long. It is starting to catch up with me.

In an age when a sniffle can me and time off of work, I need to be more careful with my energy.

For months now I have been working full-time, plus having a very full-time schedule of logging and working on deep emotional issues.

I can’t completely stopped this journey. However, one thing I can stop is just stop writing everything down.

This pains me, because I really feel passionately about my blog. I think it is a great use, and will help a lot of people. But I think I might need to get healthy without keeping a record of it for a time. Journalling is a form of rehashing trauma, and it is emotionally taxing. Also, clearly, it takes time. Time I could be relaxing with family, or simply sleeping.

And so this may be the last post for a while. Right now, I just need to rest up and get well. And pull through this next time, to be healthy in every sense on the other side of it.

(Note to readers: since there is a delay in posting, posts will continue. However, I took five full days off from blogging, then eased into it, as you will notice from the dates of blog posts)

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dream of my parents

-
Image
I dreamed that I saw my parents yesterday. They came up quite quickly on me in a crown. Before I knew it,, and was sideways hugging me. I gingerly took his arm off my neck. “Oh, we are doing that?“ He asked. He feigned surprise, but backed off. My mother was more difficult. She pretended to be ill, and fell down, forcing me to pick her up. When I hold her up and I needed to carry her around like a child she shrink down to the size of an ugly child, and I can still feel her boney hips clinging to me. I still felt as though they were able to use social pressure to manipulate me in that dream.  it feels like a weakness, but really, what weakness is it to feel the need to respond to a salutation, or to offer someone simple kindness when they fall down? But for a narcissist, these things are Weaponized. I will try not to think too much about this, except that perhaps I should study the book “the Christians guide to no contact,“. I believe there are rules of no co...
Read more

A new counsellor

-
Image
Today I met with a new counsellor. Her services are free, due to our local crisis and addictions services. She sounds to be in her fifties or sixties. I was skeptical at first. She introduced herself as being feminist in training, as not placing much stock in the DSM-5 definitions, such as narcissism and psychopathy, and that she saw most things through the filter of abuses of power.  I let her know that in another context, we could probably have a long discussion about these issues. I was troubled that she did not believe that narcissism was a useful category: but understood what she meant, in saying that a person was more than a label. I determined to give her a solid try, and was glad that we were able to get most of our cards on the table within the first ten minutes of our call. I identified my core issues as: - Raised by narcissists: very religious, very needy, very self-centred - Dad: violent temper, survived by reading his mind. Psychopath, didn’t care ab...
Read more

"What are you waiting for...?"

-
I have this overwhelming sense that I am “waiting“ for something.  I am not quite sure what it is. But I feel in someway that I cannot move on until “it” happens. I feel that I need to have some sort of resolution with my parents. Some sort of confrontation. Yes, not a reconciliation, a confrontation .   I feel like my body is building up for this, and my subconscious is telling me, “you need to be prepared for this! You can’t let this destroy us!” Sometimes I feel like, “well, why don’t I just avoid this forever? Never talk to them at all?“ That seems like a very viable and good option. But then I feel like it is still out there, and I have to spend the rest of my life just waiting.  Why is that? I realize I feel like I have done something wrong, and I am waiting for dad to come home to “spank“ me. After I would not let dad hold my girl as a baby, he was mad at me, and gave me the silent treatment for six months. When we finally talked, he let loose and ...
Read more

The toxic mother hen

-
Image
Last night an expression came to me, “Mother hen.” It’s not a super common expression, but all expressions can be useful. This one seemed to express something really key. Mother hen can be an endearing term. “Look at my little daughter…she’s such a mother hen with her kittens/dolls/toys.” But can be a bit scary/odd: “My boyfriend is nice. A bit of a mother-hen though. Sometimes I wish he wouldn’t worry so much about me…” What is a mother hen? According to Google: a person who sees to the needs of others, especially in a fussy or interfering way. "Josephine got to be a real mother hen, giving everybody a bit of what they needed" I’m not exactly sure where I’m going with this, so I’m just going to start writing. I started thinking about this because I brought my car in to be fixed, and also asked for a job, at a local family-owned business. I brought my resumé here last out of all the employers I approached, because it was a place my dad worked, and I h...
Read more

Thoughts, April 4

-
My wife told me yesterday that she is losing interest in the Simpsons. “It is a little bit too realistic, and I don’t really like it.“ Well, that is fair enough. It is a depiction of a dysfunctional family, and it does become tiresome to watch it. This got me thinking of shows that my dad would have liked. Of corse, he took great pride in banning all TV shows. However, he seemed to remember with fondness watching the Adams Family as a child. I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen it. However, I can repeat the theme song by heart. I can vividly see my dad, a goofy, childish grin on his face, with his eyeballs rolling back and forth to the theme song (like on the the characters did).  I wonder what it was about this show that attracted him? As I recall, the father was Frankenstein’s monster, (an unfeeling beast that is made of broken/dead bodies, sewn together), while his mother was a vampire. He seemed especially drawn to the character, Wednesday, who was always glo...
Read more

The End

-
Image
I think that it is time for me to draw this blog to a close. I wanted to send out a note to thank everyone who has been reading along. During these very intense six months, this blog has helped me to: 1) Define and clearly understand certain terms such as narcissism, psychopathy, evil and "no contact" 2) To comprehend and find some level of healing for my difficult childhood 3) To decide, and become very comfortable with my decision of cutting off all contact with my own parents I am feeling a shift in myself since: 1) I no longer have the desire to talk or think at length about my parents. I have to stifle the urge to yawn when they are brought up. I feel like a veil pulls over my mind's eye when I think about them. It's not fun to think about such wicked people, and there does not seem to be new or relevant things to think about.  2) I do not feel a desire to go deeper into the key issues of this blog, such as the nuances of narcissism, psych...
Read more