To my readers...

Hello, dear readers. (Written May 8th)

I just wanted to send a shout out, and thank you all for reading! Since I had four of you reach out independently to me yesterday about my blog, I thought that it could be helpful to write something here, to explain my recent mental state, and journey on this blog. 

The language 

After some earlier, very raw posts where I resorted to swearing to express my deep angst and anger, I resolved to be more careful about my language, as I chose to renew my commitment to my faith, and sought to guard the purity of my mind. Why, then, did I write an entire blog post dedicated to profanity?

You will notice that in that post, I was not worked up or angry. I was simply exploring the nuances and etymology of certain words. I found that investigation fascinating, and also quite useful. As mentioned, certain expressions have sprung up because they were needed. And there really does not seem to be a way to fully and clearly express a break with someone as clearly as saying “F you!” 

As I discussed this with my wife, it occurred to us that our time in Quebec may be a factor as well. In Quebec French, certain English words have made their way into the language. The F word is among them: and conservative church kids can be heard slipping it into their conversations without so much as a blush or a giggle. The words, “church,” “chalice” or “wafer” on the other hand, are cause for hands-over-mouth, wide-eyed catastrophic astonishment. Likewise, “crap” is acceptable here, but “shit” is a common word among church folk in Saskatchewan, where we both studied. Swears are very culturally specific.  

No doubt, someone could quote to me, “let no unclean thing come out if your mouth.” And that is fair. To me, a swear is a word which one thinks they should not say, but they say it anyways, in the heat of the moment, just to be rebellious. “Whatever is not from faith is sin.” The attitude and intentionality may be sinful, but words themselves are not evil. 

When divorced from their culturally specific context, swears basically fall into several categories:

1. Derogatory words for excrement
2. Derogatory words for sex, sex organs, or an immoral person
3. Derogatory words for an animal
4. Derogatory words for God, or holy objects 

Clearly, the fourth option is off limits to Christians, and I have never gone there. 

But it doesn’t take long to realize that — while modern translations attempt to smooth it over — the Bible often resorts to all three of these other types of “swear words.” The effect, in the original language, was likely to cause readers to sit bolt upright, to put a hand over their mouths, and to accuse the writer of saying something horrendous. “That is because I am calling out something horrendous,” he would calmly reply, “I am calling out sin. That shit has got to go!”

And so while I do think it is important for me to avoid “cussing,” and hardly think it would be helpful for myself to begin dropping the “f-bomb” casualty into conversations, I do think there is a time to use extreme language. 

Evil is extremely bad. It needs a whole different vocabulary to really express the horror of it. Nice church words just don’t fully work. On this journey, I have needed to paint in all the colours on the spectrum: and have needed to go into the gutter at times, to get the pigments I needed to paint the darkest portions of this tapestry. 

In too deep

I did not enjoy writing this last series of posts. I had to force myself to write them, as the language suggests. It was painful and disconcerting. No doubt, it was somewhat troubling to read. 

From my perspective, writing three weeks later, it seems that these posts were necessary. They finally put a few very important matters to rest for me. 

I decided conclusively that my father could not be trusted around my children. I also decided that I would not pursue any sort of legal action against him for past sexual crimes. If there were any. I’m not saying that there were crimes, neither am I saying that there were not. If there were any, he hid his tracks well, and the victims would have been the only witnesses, and the crimes hidden by the statute of limitations. I have no evidence in this department. However, I do have sufficient ground to call him “a creepy guy,” and that is enough to keep him away from my kids. This, for me, was an extremely huge step. I felt like a big portion of the fire in my belly went out, when my conscious mind made these discoveries, and made these decisions. 

I also felt peace with letting go of the thread of “emotional incest” with my mom. Another very difficult and unpleasant topic. I believe that my “gut” felt this thread was necessary, because it had me bound up in chains, and also because this is the emotional hold that my father would like to place over my female children. 

But I understand enough about it now. I am ready to let it go. 

As I write this, it is several weeks later. I can give you a preview of what us to come in my blog posts: this portion of my journey is followed by an emotional and physical crash. I had headaches and migraines, and spent several days in bed. I finally agreed to go on meds, and took a break from my blog for several days. 

I am slowly emerging from the fog of this. Currently, I am feeling much clearer, and more healthy mentally: but my body is still slowly recovering. 

I told my wife it is a bit like in Frozen II, where Elsa digs too deep into the past, and becomes frozen when she sees her grandfather committing unspeakable evil. I too went in too deep, and I paid a price for it. 

...however, I needed to know. Elsa could not have saved the day without losing herself for a time. And I feel like I too needed to go deep. 

Was it too deep? Was it unhealthy? Was is misguided?

Probably, it was all if those things. Certainly, it was not a place to stay long. But also, it was necessary. 

It was what I needed to see, to have clarity for the next portion of the journey. 

I want to thank everyone who is reading along. Your prayers, feedback, and concern are very precious to me. I could not do this without the support I am receiving. 

Thank you. 

And God bless you as you read.