Clarity: why do I write? Why am I going no contact?

Why do I write?

Why am I going no contact?

I write, and I am going no contact. These two are not the same things, though they are related. 

I write to understand, and to rebuild my sense of “normal”. 

What is a normal childhood? 

What is a normal Father?
What is a normal Mother?
What is a normal view of God? 

I need to know. I need to know.

What of what I experienced was abuse? I need to know, so that I can not repeat it, and do that I can mourn it and heal from it. 

What of what I was told about God is wrong? They say that one’s “God-image” is often based on their father. My father was obsessed with his image. (His “glory”?) He would explode in a rage for seemingly arbitrary things. He sought to control us around like pawns on a chessboard, and would reign down wrath on us if we did not obey. He threatened to disown me if I did not obey. I did not sense any empathy for me in my pain. Is God like this? Striking people dead for touching the ark, heartlessly sending people to Hell? My God image, I realize, is very much like this. I need to know what is true, so that I can lead others into the truth. These are very difficult questions.

What of what I have learned about women, marriage, and God, from my mother is wrong? My mother is clingy, taught us that her feelings trumped our own, and groomed me to serve her emotional needs. Is God like this? Is this a happy marriage? Is this what normal women are like? Is this what it feels like to be “mothered”? Is this what love feels like? I need to know. I need to know. 

I write, because I need to know.

However, I am going no contact because I need to be safe. I feel that any contact at all is unsafe because:

1. In visits, I have found that I am unable to protect my children from inappropriate comments, touches, and influence
2. They have threatened legal action and I know that they are capable of following through. They have experience, know-how, financial means, and emotional preparedness. This being the case:
1. Any visit could constitute president
2. Personal information could be twisted and used against me
3. They play dirty when they are angry, and absolutely would have no shame in using such tactics
3. I have a strong intuition that my birth father would seek to do me emotional and perhaps physical harm in an attempt to re-establish control, or perhaps to exact vengeance on me. I have seen that I am still prone to “triggers,” and can only imagine what damage a confrontation with my birth father may do to me, emotionally, right now.
4. I have history, a strong premonition, and their words in writing stating that they are slandering us, and I can only imagine what other ways they may invent to try to harm us and bring us down.

As has been mentioned, I have not come to this decision lightly. I have tried a lot of things. Perhaps I have tried everything that I reasonably could try. These are scary, and dangerous people.

It is for these reasons that I am going no contact.

But, also…I had a very confusing childhood. I am confused. I am very confused.

People that said they loved me laughed when I cried, and frowned when I shouted for joy. They shrugged at bullying and injustice, and yelled in terrifying anger at totally random times. These are weird people. They left weird marks on me. I am still trying to figure that out, and will continue to do so for many years still.

But the two are separate. The justice in my brain needs to know that. The two are separate.

If my parents were weird and dysfunctional but not dangerous, I could definitely work out some sort of a relationship with them. We could talk. I could prepare the kids. We could debrief afterwards. We could work with it. In fact, I am quite certain that we would do this. It is absolutely within my nature to give every possible grace and chance to people. Far too many chances.

I am not going no contact because my dad laughed when my training wheels fell off, or sang me a silly song for my birthday. As weird and “off” as those things were, that is not why I am going no contact. I am going no contact because these are some of the scariest people that I know, and right now, I feel as though in all the world, there is nobody that hates me more than they do, and nobody that they hate more than myself. 

I may be wrong on that: I hope that I am.

But my experience and my research and my intuitions are all aligned on this one. 

They are dangerous. I need to keep them far away from myself for a while. Perhaps forever. This is important. 

And so that is why I write, and that is why I am going no contact. 

That makes things much clearer for myself and my own mind. I hope it clears things up for my readers as well.

Be at peace, my friends.