Love bombing

Love bombing is when an abuser users extravagant gifts, attention, professions of love, or flattery to try to get an abuser to forget about his abuse or misconduct, so that he can reconcile without repentance.

Despite the flattery, there is nothing flattering about this tactic. The abuser is playing the victim for a fool, and trusting that they will take them back and reconcile without any change in their behaviour.

Love bombing may often be combined with other things, such as the following:

1. Guilt: “How much begging do you expect me to do? Can’t you see I’m on my knees?“ “I’ve been so sad/lonely without you!”

2. Invalidation of the victims emotions. “How long are you going to sulk?“ “You are not still mad about that, are you?“ To friends, he will say about you, “She’ll get over it.” He will have a condescending smile on his face when he says this, because he does not respect you, or your process.

3. Minimization of the abuse. “… After all, all guys do it.“ “I was trying my best!“ “It didn’t hurt that much, did it?” “Look, you can do it to me!” “This is normal.”

4. Manipulation. “It’s just that you really set me off when you said that… let’s try to avoid that in the future…“ The abuser tells the victim it was their behaviour that caused the abuse, and coaches them on how not to do that behaviour in the future. This tactic also shifts the blame from the abuser onto the victim, puts the abuser in the comfortable role of “authority/teacher,” and create lasting trauma bonds as the victim. Now, the victim must “walks on eggshells,” in the future, controlling their behaviour very closely in an attempt to avoid future abuse. 

5. Pressure. “After I spent all this money on you, surely you can forget about that little incident…?“  “I’ve been waiting for you for a whole week. Can’t you let it go yet?” “I’m running out of patience…” “There’s other fish in the sea, you know…” 

When you laid out like this, it sounds unbelievable that a person would say something like this. Sometimes it is just a glance. Abuser and victim relationships can become so enmeshed that messages are communicated almost telepathically. But were these messages to be decoded, they would translate into something like the above. And there may be other dysfunctional messages hidden as well.

One thing an abuser will never do, however, is show any signs of true repentance. They will not…

1. Admit that they have done wrong. (Saying that they are sad, that they miss you, that they wish it had not happened, and that they love you soo much is not the same as admitting that they did wrong)
2. Express emotional remorse for the pain their actions has caused the other person (this is not the same as expressing pain caused to the abuser by his actions, or the victims reactions. Pay attention!) Many abusers are narcissists and/or psychopaths who are emotionally incapable of empathizing with the pain of others
3. Lay out specific steps they are taking to change their destructive behaviour. Some examples could include: asking another human being (especially a professional) for help. Removing themselves from situations of unbearable temptation to do wrong. Removing substances from the home which caused them to be intoxicated, and cause harm. Joining a recovery group, taking mood-stabilizing medications, taking therapy, or similarly concrete and public steps towards change.
4. Validate the pain of the victim. Simply, “What I did really hurt you. I recognize that. I am sorry.”
5. Recognize the damage caused to the relationship, and do the hard work of rebuilding trust, waiting, and giving the victim the right to decide when (and if) they are ready to trust them again, and restart the relationship (instead of demanding that access is given, in the name of “forgiveness”)

…these dynamics are incredibly important for me to see, because this basically was how conflicts were “resolved” in my family. Dad or mom would blow up, yelling and sometimes hitting us or destroying property in fits of rage. Afterwards, we would often not talk about it and life would go on, as soon as they showed us that they were calm. If we were hesitant, sometimes there was a faux “reconciliation,” which amounted to them showering us with love, expressing sadness for what they had done, and telling us how we aught to behave, in order to avoid those actions in the future. This was not a repentance, but love bombing. And it did nothing to change their behaviour (“repentance”), but did everything to change our behaviour, as the victims.

I see, as I wrote this, that I naturally slipped into “him,” “her.” It was very easy to see how these dynamics could play out in an abusive marriage, with him as the abuser. Perhaps this is their “native soil.” 

But they also can very much exist from parent to child.

As I reach the end with my parents, I see no hope for restoring the relationship, because they literally have never repented of anything their entire lives, that I have seen. And they repent less (if possible) when they become very emotional. They “dig in,” and fight and push angrily for their rights. I know that this will be their reaction. I doubt they will even give me love bombing. 

But even if they did: and this period of silence from him, and gifts from her is basically their version of love bombing….but even if they did try to reconcile, the only reconciliation that they would try would be love-bombing. It would be reconciliation on their terms. They would try to win me back through gifs, flattery, promises of the healthy loving relationship that I never had…and along with this, subtle messages of blame, guilt, and control. To try to make me behave ever more tightly according to their dysfunctional will.

“In repentance and rest is your salvation, but you were not willing.” (Isaiah 30:15)

My parents do not know how to repent, and do not know how to rest from their evil and antagonistic ways. And for this reason, there can be no hope of repentance. 

We are through.