May 12 Thoughts
Both truth and love are essential to the Christian message. Up till now I have been mostly focused on truth. Now, I would like to be known for speaking about love, but without giving up on truth. Revising them both where necessary.
***
In conversation with my wife, I said something about, “I know I should do X. That would be the right thing to do. But I know that it’s not the “Christian” or “spiritual” thing to do…
“Oh wait,“ my wife said, “can you rephrase that?“
“OK, maybe it is not the churchy thing to say or do.“
I’ve realized – and I’m sure some readers can appreciate this – that sometimes the right thing to do does not seem at all like the thing that a good Christian should do. It’s not the sort of thing that will fit nicely into your Sunday morning testimony. It is the sort of thing that will get some particularly nasty church folks talking. (Although there are very few of that type of person in my local church, fortunately)
It just so happens that this journey has led me very much out of the realm of church nicety. But I am swirling and whirling in the magical torrents of the will of God.
My finger is fairly drip with the dew of His presence, even if there are at times swearwords on my lips, and even if I am cutting off contact with my parents: something that many churchgoers will find anathema.
But it is not for them, but for myself, for my grandchildren, for the greater good, for victims everywhere, and yes even for the little child within me: for myself… That I am doing this.
And it is the right thing to do.
***
It has been often said that the revolutionary of one generation becomes the orthodoxy of the next.
As I have been thinking about my journey, and those who may have the misfortune, or fortune of reading along with me, the words of Rich Mullins come to mind: “they say people are talking, say they’re worried about my soul. Well I’m here to say I’m going to keep rocking, until I’m sure it’s my time to roll!"
How many people thought Rich Mullins was some crazy revolutionary? Now, his music is a staple in many churches.
 I have on my kindle the complete works of CS Lewis. What an incredibly prolific author!
I was born 20 years to the day after his death. And his book has made more of an influence on my life than any other. I named one of my sons after him, and sometimes feel that I am destined to walk in his foot prints, writing apologetic materials, and fiction books to help people understand the faith.
Last summer, I found myself reading CS Lewises commentary on Dantes classic work, paradise lost. What a fascinating and deep read! Not the sort of thing you would here in the church. But very deep and very scholarly.
I just saw that he has a very large section of poetry. And it seems to all be laid out in a theme. It is as though he is figuring out some sort of a problem: like the problem of existence, or the problem of suffering, through poetry. How fascinating! His first poem is dedicated to Lucifer.
This was a very deep man. I need to study more of his words.
*** 

”you’re not here to be harmless. You’re here to be dangerous in a useful way.”
Peterson, from the podcast, "toxic masculinity"
***
...it is not as though my "no contact" comes out of the blue. I have been trying things with my parents for at least the last two decades, if not more.
What I have tried:
- Prayer
- Appealing to them
- Asking advice from church leaders
- Humility: forgiveness, going back to abuser/ absorbing hurt
- repeated emails, phone calls (which worked for a while, then shut down forcefully)
- Boundaries (set, held for a while, then crossed repeatedly)
- Geographical distance
- Very careful phone calls/egg shells (often taking days to prepare, days to decompress)
- Long peace, from careful strategies: boundaries creeping: but now feel unsafe around children
Others tried
- Mentoring
- School discipline
- Church discipline
- Jobs: discipline
- Restraining orders
- Friendships
- Tact: forceful language
- Court-ordered training sessions (on financial management)
...I don’t need to prove this to anyone. But could be helpful for myself. I really HAVE tried. This doesn’t come out of the blue.
Really, it is out of desperation. What else CAN I try...? They clearly could have changed, if they had wanted to...
***
I think I have figured out my stock response for meddlers.
“Well, really, they weren’t that bad, were they...?”
“It is a bit extreme, don’t you think...”
“But they are your parents after all...”
I imagine the probing comments being doubly awkward, because others are around. I would not feel comfortable gong into details. And who knows what my parents have told the other party? I’m fully expecting a full length self-published novel from my mom. No doubt a fictional, but with enough details in it that those who faithfully read her material will be full of venom and discontent towards me.
If someone really keeps probing, and I really don’t think they deserve a real answer, I will put on a fake mysterious face and say, “meddle not in the affairs of dragons.” (This is a quote from J.R. Tolkein, The Lord of the Rings)
I think this will confuse the hell out of them, be funny, and also hint that they are meddling where they are not wanted.
I like this idea very much!
***
Presumption of innocence for self. I have realized that when in doubt (e.g. when someone accused me of something, and in the moment I go blank), I used to presume that I was guilty. I would say sorry, then start talking and sort out the problem. Now, I begin with the assumption that I am not guilty.
This is hard to explain without an illustration, which I do not have time to come up with. But I find that I am apologizing far less. When I assume that I am innocent, I find that a reasonable explanation comes out of my mouth almost all of the time. Most issues are subjective, and you are only at fault if you think you are.
...of course, when I really do make mistakes, I own up to them quickly and simply.
***
I keep finding myself thinking of positive things about my dad. He is able to fix things. He is ingenious. He is able to learn a wide variety of things.
Being clever with fixing things does not count as being a nice person. That is an important distinction.
***
In conversation with my wife, I said something about, “I know I should do X. That would be the right thing to do. But I know that it’s not the “Christian” or “spiritual” thing to do…
“Oh wait,“ my wife said, “can you rephrase that?“
“OK, maybe it is not the churchy thing to say or do.“
I’ve realized – and I’m sure some readers can appreciate this – that sometimes the right thing to do does not seem at all like the thing that a good Christian should do. It’s not the sort of thing that will fit nicely into your Sunday morning testimony. It is the sort of thing that will get some particularly nasty church folks talking. (Although there are very few of that type of person in my local church, fortunately)
It just so happens that this journey has led me very much out of the realm of church nicety. But I am swirling and whirling in the magical torrents of the will of God.
My finger is fairly drip with the dew of His presence, even if there are at times swearwords on my lips, and even if I am cutting off contact with my parents: something that many churchgoers will find anathema.
But it is not for them, but for myself, for my grandchildren, for the greater good, for victims everywhere, and yes even for the little child within me: for myself… That I am doing this.
And it is the right thing to do.
***
It has been often said that the revolutionary of one generation becomes the orthodoxy of the next.
As I have been thinking about my journey, and those who may have the misfortune, or fortune of reading along with me, the words of Rich Mullins come to mind: “they say people are talking, say they’re worried about my soul. Well I’m here to say I’m going to keep rocking, until I’m sure it’s my time to roll!"
How many people thought Rich Mullins was some crazy revolutionary? Now, his music is a staple in many churches.
 I have on my kindle the complete works of CS Lewis. What an incredibly prolific author!
I was born 20 years to the day after his death. And his book has made more of an influence on my life than any other. I named one of my sons after him, and sometimes feel that I am destined to walk in his foot prints, writing apologetic materials, and fiction books to help people understand the faith.
Last summer, I found myself reading CS Lewises commentary on Dantes classic work, paradise lost. What a fascinating and deep read! Not the sort of thing you would here in the church. But very deep and very scholarly.
I just saw that he has a very large section of poetry. And it seems to all be laid out in a theme. It is as though he is figuring out some sort of a problem: like the problem of existence, or the problem of suffering, through poetry. How fascinating! His first poem is dedicated to Lucifer.
This was a very deep man. I need to study more of his words.
*** 

”you’re not here to be harmless. You’re here to be dangerous in a useful way.”
Peterson, from the podcast, "toxic masculinity"
***
...it is not as though my "no contact" comes out of the blue. I have been trying things with my parents for at least the last two decades, if not more.
What I have tried:
- Prayer
- Appealing to them
- Asking advice from church leaders
- Humility: forgiveness, going back to abuser/ absorbing hurt
- repeated emails, phone calls (which worked for a while, then shut down forcefully)
- Boundaries (set, held for a while, then crossed repeatedly)
- Geographical distance
- Very careful phone calls/egg shells (often taking days to prepare, days to decompress)
- Long peace, from careful strategies: boundaries creeping: but now feel unsafe around children
Others tried
- Mentoring
- School discipline
- Church discipline
- Jobs: discipline
- Restraining orders
- Friendships
- Tact: forceful language
- Court-ordered training sessions (on financial management)
...I don’t need to prove this to anyone. But could be helpful for myself. I really HAVE tried. This doesn’t come out of the blue.
Really, it is out of desperation. What else CAN I try...? They clearly could have changed, if they had wanted to...
***
I think I have figured out my stock response for meddlers.
“Well, really, they weren’t that bad, were they...?”
“It is a bit extreme, don’t you think...”
“But they are your parents after all...”
I imagine the probing comments being doubly awkward, because others are around. I would not feel comfortable gong into details. And who knows what my parents have told the other party? I’m fully expecting a full length self-published novel from my mom. No doubt a fictional, but with enough details in it that those who faithfully read her material will be full of venom and discontent towards me.
If someone really keeps probing, and I really don’t think they deserve a real answer, I will put on a fake mysterious face and say, “meddle not in the affairs of dragons.” (This is a quote from J.R. Tolkein, The Lord of the Rings)
I think this will confuse the hell out of them, be funny, and also hint that they are meddling where they are not wanted.
I like this idea very much!
***
Presumption of innocence for self. I have realized that when in doubt (e.g. when someone accused me of something, and in the moment I go blank), I used to presume that I was guilty. I would say sorry, then start talking and sort out the problem. Now, I begin with the assumption that I am not guilty.
This is hard to explain without an illustration, which I do not have time to come up with. But I find that I am apologizing far less. When I assume that I am innocent, I find that a reasonable explanation comes out of my mouth almost all of the time. Most issues are subjective, and you are only at fault if you think you are.
...of course, when I really do make mistakes, I own up to them quickly and simply.
***
I keep finding myself thinking of positive things about my dad. He is able to fix things. He is ingenious. He is able to learn a wide variety of things.
Being clever with fixing things does not count as being a nice person. That is an important distinction.
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