May 29 thoughts
- I have noticed that when I blog on days when I work, it is not taxing to myself. But when I blog on days off, I often end up napping for hours. Perhaps the combination of work and introspection is a good balance.
- I would like to change the direction of my thoughts to look more into narcissism, evil, and dealing with bad people in the Bible.
- I listened to a solder relating his experience of PTSD on the radio. He mentioned the following:
-- Driving through traffic was a real challenge, because "there are so many idiots"
-- He was always "three stop-lights ahead," looking for hazards, stress points, etc.
-- He was always hyper-analyzing everyone in the cars, thinking what they would do
-- He knew that he had a problem, but still forced himself to drive busy roads, thinking this would help his PTSD (I tend to think it did not, but only caused him stress)
-- ...this account made me think a lot of my experience after Africa, but also my experience of life in general, after being raised in such a chaotic home. I tend to be hyper-focused on the emotions of others, look far ahead, try to avoid certain stressful situations, etc., rather than just living in the moment and trusting my future self to be competent. My mind is always jumping into the "cars" of others, rather than looking at what is going on in my own car. He related how these skills kept him alive in Afghanistan, but were not useful on home soil. I can relate.
- I have a few remaining gifts from my dad. An old tackle box, a bike stand, and a music stand. I had decided to get rid of these things, but have not been able to. They are valuable and are still useful to myself. I had a thought: perhaps the remaining artifacts can be redeemed. Now that I am able to differentiate between good and bad memories. Not all of my memories with my birth father were bad. We did have some good times in nature. He did teach me things about mechanics. We did share music. These things were not pure evil. Perhaps I could redeem them in some way and keep them: a reminder of the good times, without any pull to go back to abuse.
- More clarity means able to recognize not all bad. Remember the good times. Perhaps, I will reunite with my parents in heaven. Or maybe on earth, when kids older, less vulnerable
- The counsellor mentioned that I had a "European upbringing." She said that europeans in general are harsher on children, and far more hierarchical. This is interesting. But also causes me to second-guess somewhat. If a whole continent parents this way, can it really be wrong? I don't like feeling like my parents are "normal," in this way. Some things to think about.
- I listened to a solder relating his experience of PTSD on the radio. He mentioned the following:
-- Driving through traffic was a real challenge, because "there are so many idiots"
-- He was always "three stop-lights ahead," looking for hazards, stress points, etc.
-- He was always hyper-analyzing everyone in the cars, thinking what they would do
-- He knew that he had a problem, but still forced himself to drive busy roads, thinking this would help his PTSD (I tend to think it did not, but only caused him stress)
-- ...this account made me think a lot of my experience after Africa, but also my experience of life in general, after being raised in such a chaotic home. I tend to be hyper-focused on the emotions of others, look far ahead, try to avoid certain stressful situations, etc., rather than just living in the moment and trusting my future self to be competent. My mind is always jumping into the "cars" of others, rather than looking at what is going on in my own car. He related how these skills kept him alive in Afghanistan, but were not useful on home soil. I can relate.
- I have a few remaining gifts from my dad. An old tackle box, a bike stand, and a music stand. I had decided to get rid of these things, but have not been able to. They are valuable and are still useful to myself. I had a thought: perhaps the remaining artifacts can be redeemed. Now that I am able to differentiate between good and bad memories. Not all of my memories with my birth father were bad. We did have some good times in nature. He did teach me things about mechanics. We did share music. These things were not pure evil. Perhaps I could redeem them in some way and keep them: a reminder of the good times, without any pull to go back to abuse.
- More clarity means able to recognize not all bad. Remember the good times. Perhaps, I will reunite with my parents in heaven. Or maybe on earth, when kids older, less vulnerable
- The counsellor mentioned that I had a "European upbringing." She said that europeans in general are harsher on children, and far more hierarchical. This is interesting. But also causes me to second-guess somewhat. If a whole continent parents this way, can it really be wrong? I don't like feeling like my parents are "normal," in this way. Some things to think about.
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