Walking through pain...

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There are two types of people:
Those who have walked through pain,
And those who still think they have life all figured out. 


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Competitiveness - Jan 12

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If there is anythign that has hindered me in life, it is competitiveness. I have this deep drive to be better than others. To check how many likes I get. To see how well I did compared to others. I quit music (recording, writing) because I realized that I would never be better than most recording artists. (Why couldn’t I just be good enough for myself/my family/my friends?) That’s just the one example that comes to mind. I remember the first time I played my dad’s guitar. I only knew a few very basic chords. For some reason, dad never taught me, even though he played. I knew basic chord theory from music class, so I taught myself chords. Not really chords, but a few notes together. It sounded like pure heaven. I played them over and over, switching to different notes. I laid back on my bed, with the guitar on my belly, and played and played. Sometime around then I found an old tape player. I soldered some wires together so it could record the guitar. I recorded myself, maybe si...
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The trigger...

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A few days ago, for my son‘s 12th birthday, we drove around and visited some friends, including my brother and his family. During the course of the visit, we talked briefly about the laws regulating behaviour during the pandemic. It seems as though if people were reasonable, we would need laws. “But,“ I said, “we need a laws for…“ I was looking for a good word, but couldn’t think of one, so I finished my sentence, “If everyone was reasonable, we would not be the laws. But we need them for stupid people.“ This sentence got a lot of laughter, and my brother said, “you can tell that we have the same dad!“ As we talked, I noticed that telltale signs of my father in our heritage were everywhere. The way he had fixed his room, the big hunk of wood on his deck, the creative but unsightly way that he does repairs. The signs were everywhere: but my brother is a decent human being. And in that moment of conversation, it seemed as though it was implied that my father was also a dece...
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Hemmed in

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Today is now the second day since I fully decided to go no contact. I am working out drafts of my separation (“divorce” or “emancipation”) letter. I am very convinced that I will do this, and do it soon.  ** My energy and clarity has fully returned. ** The magnitude of the above statement is hard to convey in words.  I have been so sleepy and lethargic it was alarming. For the past few weeks, and especially last week, I had almost constant headaches, and slept from 2-6 hours a day on days off, in addition to a full 7-8 hours of sleep at night. My wife tells me I was not myself: I had low energy for the kids, and difficulty focusing on my wife’s needs. All I could focus on was going round in circles with my parents.  Now, I feel incredibly clear, and my energy has returned.  I feel hemmed in, and this makes the decision easy, in a way.  I cannot go back to them. That is very clear. I cannot crawl inside my mothers womb again, to beco...
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Dream: chased by super-mom (Aug. 27)

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I had a dream sometime this summer. We had watched super-girl before bed. In the movie, there is a powerful “mother-in-law” character who is seeking to destroy and enslave  the world. In my dream, I had been given the series of power, and was flying strongly over my city, when the mother-in-law saw me. I fled and hid. But she found me instantly. I hid again, and again. Every time, she found me. Then, I flew into a house, into a building, and hid in a closet from my childhood, with a sheet over me. I heard her steps approach. Her hands rested on my head and followed my neck and shoulders over the sheet. Her hands were soft, but in total control. She had found me. It was all over. As I woke from the dream, part of my mind said, “but you have the sword of power! Her abdomen is right there! You could wound her, and make her go away!” But the louder part of my mind said, “but I don’t want to hurt her.” I woke feeling very confused, hurting, and controlled. ** Inter...
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Dare to speak ill of the clan...

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Today was a big step. I dared to speak ill publicly of the family. In a sermon I preached a few months ago, I shared the anecdote about the time I nearly died when my dad unwisely tried to fjord a river with his young children. I did not go into detail about how he shamed and blamed me for the event, how his primary emotion seemed to be  embarrassment (for himself) rather than concern (for me) or terror (at the fact that I almost died). I didn't mention any of that. What I did say was something like this: "I want to honour my dad by saying that he spent a lot of time with us as children. We had a lot of experiences in nature, with motorbikes, with guns and dogs. We had a lot of fun! But...my dad did not always have a plan. And...honestly, we were not always safe..." Then I launched into the story about sliding down the waterfall, and how a random stranger saved me. I related how I had come to resent missions because while in Africa, I felt similar unprotected. Su...
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in sterquiliniis invenitur

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Before science was alchemy: a combination of religious, philosophical, and pseudo-scientific ideas. Although “archaic” by our standards, these thinkers were the brilliant minds of their time, and their work made way for true science. According to Jordan Peterson, one of their key dictums was in sterquiliniis invenitur. Peterson liked to interpret that phrase as, “what you most need will be located in the place that you least want to look.” But for my purposes, I like the literal: “in filth it shall be found.” Yes, in filth it shall be found. I am on a journey, and I cannot totally control my trajectory. I just know what the next step is, and which rock to look under next. Some places scare me: some intrigue me. Some disgust me. My recent post on “Girlie” disturbed me greatly. It got me thinking in a very uncomfortable direction. Very, very uncomfortable. Will I publish these words? I do not know. But I need to take this journey. Pubishing is a separate issue. I need to ...
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