Walking through pain...

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There are two types of people:
Those who have walked through pain,
And those who still think they have life all figured out. 


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in sterquiliniis invenitur

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Before science was alchemy: a combination of religious, philosophical, and pseudo-scientific ideas. Although “archaic” by our standards, these thinkers were the brilliant minds of their time, and their work made way for true science. According to Jordan Peterson, one of their key dictums was in sterquiliniis invenitur. Peterson liked to interpret that phrase as, “what you most need will be located in the place that you least want to look.” But for my purposes, I like the literal: “in filth it shall be found.” Yes, in filth it shall be found. I am on a journey, and I cannot totally control my trajectory. I just know what the next step is, and which rock to look under next. Some places scare me: some intrigue me. Some disgust me. My recent post on “Girlie” disturbed me greatly. It got me thinking in a very uncomfortable direction. Very, very uncomfortable. Will I publish these words? I do not know. But I need to take this journey. Pubishing is a separate issue. I need to ...
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How my mom made me mad... (Dec 10)

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How my mom made me mad In a previous post, I mentioned that I had gotten very mad at my mom as a teen. Mad enough to yell “I hate you” at her. And for this, I was spanked. With a belt. As a 16+ year old. And I apologized for it. Try as I can, I cannot remember the specific thing that made me mad. However, I was able to remember the  feeling. As I focus on that feeling, a cluster of other memories comes to the surface.. ** I was sitting on the computer (now in the main area of our house) playing video games. I did that for hours at a time. They weren’t even fun or “good” games. My brothers were into World of Warcraft and Final Fantasy. But I didn’t play those games. I played simple games like solitaire, and basic, cheesy games with poor graphics. Much better games were available. Why was I playing so much? It is hard to say.  I was trying to find work, but not having much success. Why wasn’t I having success?  I had a job as a dishwasher one da...
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Dream: chased by super-mom (Aug. 27)

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I had a dream sometime this summer. We had watched super-girl before bed. In the movie, there is a powerful “mother-in-law” character who is seeking to destroy and enslave  the world. In my dream, I had been given the series of power, and was flying strongly over my city, when the mother-in-law saw me. I fled and hid. But she found me instantly. I hid again, and again. Every time, she found me. Then, I flew into a house, into a building, and hid in a closet from my childhood, with a sheet over me. I heard her steps approach. Her hands rested on my head and followed my neck and shoulders over the sheet. Her hands were soft, but in total control. She had found me. It was all over. As I woke from the dream, part of my mind said, “but you have the sword of power! Her abdomen is right there! You could wound her, and make her go away!” But the louder part of my mind said, “but I don’t want to hurt her.” I woke feeling very confused, hurting, and controlled. ** Inter...
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The End

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I think that it is time for me to draw this blog to a close. I wanted to send out a note to thank everyone who has been reading along. During these very intense six months, this blog has helped me to: 1) Define and clearly understand certain terms such as narcissism, psychopathy, evil and "no contact" 2) To comprehend and find some level of healing for my difficult childhood 3) To decide, and become very comfortable with my decision of cutting off all contact with my own parents I am feeling a shift in myself since: 1) I no longer have the desire to talk or think at length about my parents. I have to stifle the urge to yawn when they are brought up. I feel like a veil pulls over my mind's eye when I think about them. It's not fun to think about such wicked people, and there does not seem to be new or relevant things to think about.  2) I do not feel a desire to go deeper into the key issues of this blog, such as the nuances of narcissism, psych...
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Do I Give the Kids the Candy? (Oct. 20)

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On Halloween, my parents gave our kids a box filled with very expensive cards, and bags of sugar-free candies. We had had issues with giving in the past: the give too much, they give "junk," they give gifts unequally. They give clothes that don't fit our kids. They ask for suggestions, then ignore our suggestions. They give very environmentally damaging gifts, when we are more eco-conscious. These are some of the issues we have dealt with. Also, when gifts are given, there is an expectation that we will take pictures of the kids opening them, and thank them. Gifts are a big deal, and a source of tension.  So when I got a box of gifts, for halloween (who gives gifts for halloween?) while there was tension between us, I spent time journalling. What was I to make of this gift? Should I give it to the children or not? ** Am I giving the kids the cards? The Candy? No to the cards. Why? Because they are trying to be goofy and inviting, trying to lur...
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Workplace Narcissism: Diaries

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[Note: I had several minor incidents working with narcissists at work. I collected them all into this post] While being trained for a task, I did a minor mistake. I accidentally bumped a button, causing machinery to go in the wrong direction. I quickly pushed a button to make it come back, and the unexpected motion blew a fuse. Kim and I were stressed about it for a while, and tried to fix it. Finally, electricians came and changed the fuse. There was no real harm done. On the way home, (we carpool) I asked Kim if it was me pushing the button that blew the fuse. He was very reluctant to answer the question. “I would never ever say it was your fault,” he said. “But I just want to know if that’s what I did there cause that reaction?” It seemed important to know. I wasn’t offended if it was me. It was an honest mistake.  He did verbal gymnastics for a while, trying his very best to avoid putting any blame on me, but finally said yes, probably it was you. “But I’m not blamin...
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