Walking through pain...

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There are two types of people:
Those who have walked through pain,
And those who still think they have life all figured out. 


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in sterquiliniis invenitur

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Before science was alchemy: a combination of religious, philosophical, and pseudo-scientific ideas. Although “archaic” by our standards, these thinkers were the brilliant minds of their time, and their work made way for true science. According to Jordan Peterson, one of their key dictums was in sterquiliniis invenitur. Peterson liked to interpret that phrase as, “what you most need will be located in the place that you least want to look.” But for my purposes, I like the literal: “in filth it shall be found.” Yes, in filth it shall be found. I am on a journey, and I cannot totally control my trajectory. I just know what the next step is, and which rock to look under next. Some places scare me: some intrigue me. Some disgust me. My recent post on “Girlie” disturbed me greatly. It got me thinking in a very uncomfortable direction. Very, very uncomfortable. Will I publish these words? I do not know. But I need to take this journey. Pubishing is a separate issue. I need to ...
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A Psalm for Victims of Abuse

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👇 my commentary below 👇 O Lord, You have searched me and known me . You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar. You scrutinize my path and my lying down, And are intimately acquainted with all my ways. Even before there is a word on my tongue, Behold, O Lord, You know it all. You have enclosed me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. Such  knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is too high, I cannot attain to it. Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, Even there Your hand will lead me, And Your right hand will lay hold of me. If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night,” Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You. For You ...
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Workplace Narcissism: Diaries

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[Note: I had several minor incidents working with narcissists at work. I collected them all into this post] While being trained for a task, I did a minor mistake. I accidentally bumped a button, causing machinery to go in the wrong direction. I quickly pushed a button to make it come back, and the unexpected motion blew a fuse. Kim and I were stressed about it for a while, and tried to fix it. Finally, electricians came and changed the fuse. There was no real harm done. On the way home, (we carpool) I asked Kim if it was me pushing the button that blew the fuse. He was very reluctant to answer the question. “I would never ever say it was your fault,” he said. “But I just want to know if that’s what I did there cause that reaction?” It seemed important to know. I wasn’t offended if it was me. It was an honest mistake.  He did verbal gymnastics for a while, trying his very best to avoid putting any blame on me, but finally said yes, probably it was you. “But I’m not blamin...
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The End

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I think that it is time for me to draw this blog to a close. I wanted to send out a note to thank everyone who has been reading along. During these very intense six months, this blog has helped me to: 1) Define and clearly understand certain terms such as narcissism, psychopathy, evil and "no contact" 2) To comprehend and find some level of healing for my difficult childhood 3) To decide, and become very comfortable with my decision of cutting off all contact with my own parents I am feeling a shift in myself since: 1) I no longer have the desire to talk or think at length about my parents. I have to stifle the urge to yawn when they are brought up. I feel like a veil pulls over my mind's eye when I think about them. It's not fun to think about such wicked people, and there does not seem to be new or relevant things to think about.  2) I do not feel a desire to go deeper into the key issues of this blog, such as the nuances of narcissism, psych...
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Babbling like a fool...?

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As I continue to work in this blog, I was rereading my moms email . Two very prominent features in it were her insistence that she worried about me as a mother, and that she “babbles like a fool” — first to my uncle, then to me.  The worry is hard to figure out. Why is she putting so much emphasis on that? It doesn’t seem connected to the surrounding material? But I think that is her way of proving that she was a good mother: so good, in fact, that it aught to counteract any wrongs that she has done.  The babbling like a fool, however, was more confusing. She seemed to be saying, She babbled like a fool to my uncle (who answered monosyllabically) This proved that she was doing all that she could to mend their relationship This proved that he was not interested in maintaining the relationship  This interaction was the “final straw” in their relationship, proving to mom that there was no longer anything there Then, she tells me that she is babbling like a foo...
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Do I Give the Kids the Candy? (Oct. 20)

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On Halloween, my parents gave our kids a box filled with very expensive cards, and bags of sugar-free candies. We had had issues with giving in the past: the give too much, they give "junk," they give gifts unequally. They give clothes that don't fit our kids. They ask for suggestions, then ignore our suggestions. They give very environmentally damaging gifts, when we are more eco-conscious. These are some of the issues we have dealt with. Also, when gifts are given, there is an expectation that we will take pictures of the kids opening them, and thank them. Gifts are a big deal, and a source of tension.  So when I got a box of gifts, for halloween (who gives gifts for halloween?) while there was tension between us, I spent time journalling. What was I to make of this gift? Should I give it to the children or not? ** Am I giving the kids the cards? The Candy? No to the cards. Why? Because they are trying to be goofy and inviting, trying to lur...
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