Walking through pain...

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There are two types of people:
Those who have walked through pain,
And those who still think they have life all figured out. 


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in sterquiliniis invenitur

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Before science was alchemy: a combination of religious, philosophical, and pseudo-scientific ideas. Although “archaic” by our standards, these thinkers were the brilliant minds of their time, and their work made way for true science. According to Jordan Peterson, one of their key dictums was in sterquiliniis invenitur. Peterson liked to interpret that phrase as, “what you most need will be located in the place that you least want to look.” But for my purposes, I like the literal: “in filth it shall be found.” Yes, in filth it shall be found. I am on a journey, and I cannot totally control my trajectory. I just know what the next step is, and which rock to look under next. Some places scare me: some intrigue me. Some disgust me. My recent post on “Girlie” disturbed me greatly. It got me thinking in a very uncomfortable direction. Very, very uncomfortable. Will I publish these words? I do not know. But I need to take this journey. Pubishing is a separate issue. I need to ...
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The trigger...

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A few days ago, for my son‘s 12th birthday, we drove around and visited some friends, including my brother and his family. During the course of the visit, we talked briefly about the laws regulating behaviour during the pandemic. It seems as though if people were reasonable, we would need laws. “But,“ I said, “we need a laws for…“ I was looking for a good word, but couldn’t think of one, so I finished my sentence, “If everyone was reasonable, we would not be the laws. But we need them for stupid people.“ This sentence got a lot of laughter, and my brother said, “you can tell that we have the same dad!“ As we talked, I noticed that telltale signs of my father in our heritage were everywhere. The way he had fixed his room, the big hunk of wood on his deck, the creative but unsightly way that he does repairs. The signs were everywhere: but my brother is a decent human being. And in that moment of conversation, it seemed as though it was implied that my father was also a dece...
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Dracula

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I decided to download and read one of the classic books on evil, Dracula by Bram Stoker, 1897 . My rationale was that if I wanted to understand a  dark triad personality , books written with truly evil villains would help me understand that. I could not have been more right. Dracula thinks and operates exactly the way my dad does, although of course perhaps in less dramatic format. Although perhaps not. Dracula always has a smile on his face, and he is always in control. He doesn’t look the part of the villain, and that is part of the evil. He is a psychopath, not a sociopath. He is in control of himself, and in control of others. One thing that especially stood out to me is that for his first victim, he says, “come freely, leave some of your joy, and leave as you will." This theme of free will is played out. Actually, Dracula traps his victim. There is no way out. When he tries to escape, he finds that he is surrounded by supernatural dangers: vampire sisters that ...
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Competitiveness - Jan 12

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If there is anythign that has hindered me in life, it is competitiveness. I have this deep drive to be better than others. To check how many likes I get. To see how well I did compared to others. I quit music (recording, writing) because I realized that I would never be better than most recording artists. (Why couldn’t I just be good enough for myself/my family/my friends?) That’s just the one example that comes to mind. I remember the first time I played my dad’s guitar. I only knew a few very basic chords. For some reason, dad never taught me, even though he played. I knew basic chord theory from music class, so I taught myself chords. Not really chords, but a few notes together. It sounded like pure heaven. I played them over and over, switching to different notes. I laid back on my bed, with the guitar on my belly, and played and played. Sometime around then I found an old tape player. I soldered some wires together so it could record the guitar. I recorded myself, maybe si...
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Hemmed in

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Today is now the second day since I fully decided to go no contact. I am working out drafts of my separation (“divorce” or “emancipation”) letter. I am very convinced that I will do this, and do it soon.  ** My energy and clarity has fully returned. ** The magnitude of the above statement is hard to convey in words.  I have been so sleepy and lethargic it was alarming. For the past few weeks, and especially last week, I had almost constant headaches, and slept from 2-6 hours a day on days off, in addition to a full 7-8 hours of sleep at night. My wife tells me I was not myself: I had low energy for the kids, and difficulty focusing on my wife’s needs. All I could focus on was going round in circles with my parents.  Now, I feel incredibly clear, and my energy has returned.  I feel hemmed in, and this makes the decision easy, in a way.  I cannot go back to them. That is very clear. I cannot crawl inside my mothers womb again, to beco...
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The toxic mother hen

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Last night an expression came to me, “Mother hen.” It’s not a super common expression, but all expressions can be useful. This one seemed to express something really key. Mother hen can be an endearing term. “Look at my little daughter…she’s such a mother hen with her kittens/dolls/toys.” But can be a bit scary/odd: “My boyfriend is nice. A bit of a mother-hen though. Sometimes I wish he wouldn’t worry so much about me…” What is a mother hen? According to Google: a person who sees to the needs of others, especially in a fussy or interfering way. "Josephine got to be a real mother hen, giving everybody a bit of what they needed" I’m not exactly sure where I’m going with this, so I’m just going to start writing. I started thinking about this because I brought my car in to be fixed, and also asked for a job, at a local family-owned business. I brought my resumé here last out of all the employers I approached, because it was a place my dad worked, and I h...
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