Ways my parents could respond...

I have been thinking about my parents and how they will likely respond to my divorce notice. It occurs to me that there are some perfectly reasonable and healthy things that they could do. However, I strongly suspect that they will do some rather crazy and unhealthy things instead.

Healthy things they could do (or, what a healthy person would likely do)

One. Be hurt, but deal with that pain in an appropriate way, such as grieving, confiding in only one or two trusted, confidential friends, or turning to introspection to see how they could do better

Two. Take the implied commentary on their parenting as an opportunity to improve. Perhaps start slow such as talking to other adult parents who have a good relationship with their adult children. Maybe reading books on the subject, or going to counselling to really figure it out.

Three. Numerous readers of my blog has mentioned how reading my blog has caused them to feel convicted about their past and current parenting. I know that it makes me think differently about how I parent. This notice could cause them to reevaluate how they parented, and especially how they related to me as an adult, and feel deep remorse and a desire to change. 

Four. Readers of my blog have mentioned how reading has shown them blind spots in their thinking, and cause them to reevaluate how they see their faith, and how they see themselves. My parents could also take this as an opportunity for introspection, perhaps leading towards a desire to read up on emotional health, take counselling, or simply sit with healthy and trusted individuals who could help them grow.

How would I know?

Of course, I am cutting off contact from them. How would I know that they have made these changes? In truth, it is difficult to fully cut off contact. We live in a connected world. Some ways I could find out about this could be:

1. They begin to make such changes in their life that people notice. I hear a comment from a mutual friend who says something like, “did you hear that they are in counselling? It sounds like they have really made a lot of progress…” 
2. They could respect my boundaries and leave me alone. This would be unexpected, and would speak volumes.
3. They could start respecting my brother and his wife, and their adult life choices.
4. After a time of respecting boundaries, and working on themselves, they could attempt a carefully worded apology. Such a letter could start something like, “we have been doing a lot of thinking, and we are starting to realize how much we have hurt you. I’m not sure if you could ever forgive me but…” … We know that we have broken a lot of boundaries, but we would like the chance to try to rebuild trust with you…” I am not sure that I would trust such overtures, or that there is enough time left in their lives to rebuild trust. I know that they are capable of carrying on a cherade for years at a time with no real heart change. Deep down, I sincerely mistrust them around my children. Not just how they act, but who they are inside, and how they think. The evil comments and jokes have they always made. They were never funny, and I’m not laughing anymore. I don’t want my kids to learn to laugh at such jokes. And so such a letter would be met with suspicion, to say the least. 

...but it is, at least, what a decent reasonable person would do. 

...what I strongly suspect that my parents will actually do, however (based on my experience, and also their threats) is:

1. Be hurt, dwell on their hurt, combine all of their previous hurts into this hurt, to amplify it. (Why amplify it? Because their hurt will be the source of all of their power). It will be as though I have always been the source of all of their hurts (this is called narcissistic injury). They will rewrite their history, as though I have always been hurtful and rebellious (not the obedient son who gave them half of my life to appease and placate them..)
2. Reframe themselves as victims of a great hurt. Call on protective instincts within themselves to protect themselves and one another from this great hurt (myself) which has become an enemy of their very survival (this is called “narcissistic offence”)
3. Begin drawing on the resources of others. Share their hurt, and share their protective instincts with others (aka gossip) so that others likewise see us as terrible people, and give emotional and other types of support to them
4. Believe that “all bets are off,” and that their unbelievable hurt trumps all conventions of decency, society, law, and certainly my boundaries. “No pussy-footing around,” as he said to my brother. 
5. Write angry e-mails. Would love to have angry phone calls, if I would let him 
6. Will very likely try to show up on my doorstep. He would like to initiate a yelling match. I will not engage him. 
7. Will try to use the law to his advantage. May call the local police station, (talking very respectfully and shrewdly) to try to get them to see his side: enforce some visitation. (Note: must get to them first)
8. Has already threatened to sue for “grandparent rights.” Will try to force their way over our boundaries through a court order 
9. Mom will almost certainly write a self-published book about me/this situation, with pseudonyms but enough detail that her readers and circle of friends will see me in a negative light (she did this to my brothers first wife)
10. Mom has already said that she is talking about me to her church community, slandering me. She will continue, and may include social media in her campaign 
11. They will definitely enlist my younger brother as a flying monkey. If they do, I will give him one chance and then block him. They may try to use my older brother, but he will resist them. This would be a more difficult tactic. 
12. They may try to engage with my kids directly, should they see them on the street. I have already taken precautions against this. 

...It is possible that my parents are really decent people deep down inside. Maybe this wake up call will be just what they need to start working on themselves. 

But I doubt it. 

In talking with my wife last night, I commented,

“It always was their way or the highway. No..it was their way or...”

“...hell” My wife finished my sentence, as I said it at the same time. 

I always knew there would be absolute hell to pay the day that I stopped going with the flow with my birth father and birth mother. 

It is done. I am standing up to them. 

And there will be hell to pay. 

I am preparing for war. 

I will be strong enough for it. I am competent, and my God is mighty to save. 

I am ready.