Dream: My parents in Russia

I had a dream last night that I met my parents. 

We were in some rented buildings of some sort in Russia. It was winter and dark and cold. I wonder if we were in Russia because of the slow way that Russia “creeps” in their influence, invading other countries and influencing the politics of other nations.

I was alone with the kids, and my parents came for a visit, which we had agreed to.

I went to the visit, however, feeling as though I would not put up with nonsense, and that my parents would do some nonsense. 

I was right. They had left the lights on in my apartment, and the front and back doors open with the heat on for two days. I confronted them on their lack of care, and their wasting of my money, and things quickly escalated. My birth father shrugged it off, then tried a number of tactics that I cannot remember (probably, bullying me, yelling louder than me, guilt tripping, and the like), but I ignored or overpowered all of them.

Then, he really ramped up tried to bully me. I pulled myself to my full height, and very cooly and forcibly told him off. I do not remember the exact words. I remember that he tried to respond, but was unable to.

My birth mother stood next to me and started nodding along to what I was saying, and so I turned on her.

“…and don’t you printed that you were perfect either!” I remember saying. I guess I must have been confronting them on their parenting of myself, as well as ways in which they had not done things right in the present. “You used to yell at us too! And….” I told her off too, concluding with, “This visit is over.” And I left to pack up the kids.

My birth mother came out a few minutes later with a big smile on her face. “It’s OK,” she said, “I calmed down your father!” 

This was a strong tactic that almost pulled at me. But I held to my convictions and told her that no, I was adamant and I was leaving. I know that it sounds like I was being unreasonable in this retelling of the dream, but that is only because I cannot remember the things I had been calling them out on: leaving the door open was only the trigger, and I began unloading all of the things that are listed in this blog: it did not feel vindictive, but very just and very much the right thing to do to protect myself and my children. 

I kept telling her, “I am done, I am done, I am done! Stop talking!” but she kept going on and on until I slapped her in the face, turned and left.

I instantly regretted it. It felt good to have a very firm boundary, but even in the dream I kept repeating to myself, “I should not have done that, I should not have done that, I should not have done that…” I woke up feeling anxious and regretful at 4:00 AM, and have not been able to get back to sleep since. 

It is interesting to me how my dreams have moved from symbolic and fairly confusing into very straight forward re-enactments, or trial-runs of real situations which could definitely happen. Just yesterday, we were discussing a meeting with my parents. The options seem to be:

1. Send an e-mail, to prevent any meeting
2. Say nothing, so they may come: if they come, simply say, “You are not welcome here, please leave,” or
3. Say nothing, so they may come: if they come, potentially say a bit more, including, “Until we see a real change from you, we do not want to see you anymore…” 

By not saying anything, and allowing them to come, it feels like I am re-opening an uncertainty that is somewhat distressing to myself. On the one hand, my subconscious has become convinced that I can handle the confrontation. This is huge! I can answer their objection and lies, and handle their tactics, even under pressure. At least that is how it worked in the “simulation,” or dream.

However, the problem with meeting them is that it is impossible to predict what would actually happen. In the dream, I struck my mother. Not enough to hurt her: and it decisively ended the conversation. At the moment, it seemed the right thing to do.

But I knew that it would only take them a few days to regroup, and then to file charges against me for “abuse.” There would be no end to the legal hassle, and by the time they were done, they would have milked it for huge amounts of control and a permanent hold in our lives. 

Another potential is real physical harm to myself. I keep visualizing meetign with my birth father, saying a brief thing (such as option 3), then allowing him to speak while I have the screen door closed.

But then in my imagination he tries to open the screen door to gain access. And so I step forwards, blocking his way. I remain silent. As he continues to rail, he becomes physically violent, and begins striking me. I stop forward, taking the blows, and repeating, “You are not welcome here, you must leave our property.” I keep taking steps forwards so that he is driven back, although he keeps hitting me. 

It is all caught on camera (our cameras will be installed soon) and my wife calls the police, who also see it. In some variations of this daydream, I put the video recording on facebook or use it as proof for a restraining order. In other variations, however, I raise my hands or strike him. Then, I know, it is all over. No matter how many times he struck me first, I know that he will leverage the incident as “a brawl” in which I was equally responsible, and use it against me. I could also, of course, suffer serious trauma of some sort from this sort of treatment, and it could be traumatic to our children, should they witness it.

It is also troubling, and tiring to be back to this: to imagining a showdown and fist fight with my birth father. I liked it better when I imagined myself inside, not making eye contact, while my birth father was outside. How do I get back to that place again?

I do not believe that I should get into any sort of altercation with him, or in any way give him an opportunity to hit me or yell at me. 

Some of the literature would say, “You shouldn’t cut off contact with someone without stating their boundaries, and telling them why/what to do about it.” But here’s the thing: if I tell him face to face, that will give him an opportunity to sin against me. Why would I do that? Why, for myself? Why, for him? Isn’t it better to avoid this altogether?

“Yes, but you’re mind-reading him, and not giving him the opportunity to be better. You are taking away his free-will, and not giving him the opportunity to change. Maybe he will surprise you for the better.”

Maybe. But by now, I feel like I can predict him pretty well. 

I am beyond feeling like i owe him anything. Really. I have given him my childhood, and half of my life. It is enough.

I feel like it is really important that I prevent a showdown, and do not allow him to strike me. If he begins to yell, I need to have a simple way to end it.

Maybe it is as simple as remaining inside, delivering a short sentence, then closing the door. The end.

Maybe my whole problem was allowing him to speak, hoping that he would incriminate himself in what he said on camera. But maybe I just need to let that go. If he comes, say my piece, then close the door.

I also don’t know why it is so bad to think of sending a carefully worded e-mail. At this moment, that seems like a good option again.  I know I keep going back and forth on this point. 

But whatever I could do to avoid a confrontation at the door would be a good thing.

We need to talk in more depth about these matters today.