Flying Monkey #2

Flying Monkey #2

Today, completely out of the blue, an acquaintance messaged me on facebook:

“Ishmael: how is your dad?  as i recall he and your Mom moved to Manitoba just before we left your hometown. I liked them a lot.”

This message caught me off guard, and seemed very strange. I literally never talk to this person. He is in his sixties or older. He used to manage an important industry in our town, and was an elderly member at our church. Though he had no official position, he was generally well respected, and was friendly towards me, which is why I included him in our missions newsletter. He never supported us, and my only communication with him was seven years ago, when he had said “yes” to being on our newsletter list.

Now, suddenly, in the midst of my journey, he pops out with this? hm…

My first thought was to say something along the lines of, “They are doing well. They are still on facebook if you would like to contact them.” …and yet I wanted to do more.

I discussed it with my wife, who thought of something her therapist had said: sometimes, there are small places to practice assertiveness. She encouraged me to speak my truth. I thought about it, then responded:

“We’re not really on speaking terms right now. I’m glad your experience of them was positive.”

Almost instantly, he fired back, “what a shame.”

I did not respond.

I found this exchange to be really positive, and a win. It was the first time that I had publicly (or to anyone) let it be know that I am not on speaking terms with my parents. This is really powerful. 

In earlier dreams, one of the control tactics that my parents used on me was pretending that all was well in a public space, such as church, a grocery store, or a family member’s home. Would I have the courage to push them away, if they tried to hug me in public?

In recent dreams, I have had this courage, and it has been a turning point.

Now, for the first time in real life, I have told someone the truth: my truth. I am not on speaking terms with them. I did not gossip or disparage them. I only spoke my truth. My statement was also carefully worded; “I’m glad your experience of them was positive.” I am glad of that. But also: remember that what you experienced was just that. It was your experience. My experience was my own.

In hindsight, I think it is significant that this contact happened on a Sunday night. I know that my birth father preaches often, and the sermons are placed online. I am thinking that it is likely that he mentioned something about “his wayward son” in his sermon. Well, so what. That is his truth, and he is welcome to it. He can turn all his elderly friends against us: let the nursing homes rage. They cannot hurt us.

Later that day, I posted my second meme on narcissism on my facebook page. I am beginning to leak my own truth.