Second call with my new counsellor

Today was my second appointment with a local counsellor. Over the phone, due to Covid.

We seem to be getting on quite well, which is surprising considering that: 1) my last local counsellor ended up being something of a nightmare, and 2) she started off by saying that she comes at things from a feminist perspective, and does not place much stock in the DSM-5.

I was able to state my position and opinions quite clearly at the beginning of our relationship, and we seem to know where one another stand. It also probably helps that I have some perspective and know in which general direction I am moving, as we seek to navigate this together.

Today we discussed the fact that last week’s homework really helped me. She had suggested that in order to find some relief from my triggers, I aught to write down some concrete reasons why I was not going back to my parents. I have written several posts, and haven’t gotten the wording quite perfect. But basically, I am going no contact because:

1. They are dangerous to myself emotionally, spiritually, and physically
2. They are dangerous to my children: they could cause in them many of the same issues that I have wrestled with so deeply on this blog, especially including emotional incest, and spiritual confusion. My dad may or may not be a pedophile: but he is a “creepy guy,” and that’s all I need to keep my kids, and especially my daughter away from him.
3. They have threatened legal action, and in the past, when they become angry they will bring up things from years and years ago and twist it into a weapon. I cannot give them access, because I do not know what they would use against me. Even parts of this blog have been edited because on the off chance that they found it, I cannot have them using it against me in court.

That is pretty solid, and I feel comfortable with it. I find that I am not going back and forth on that decision anymore. It is solid, and growing more solid every day. 

As I mentioned in a previous post, having this list has given me a lot of clarity. It has separated out the trama/confusion of my childhood from my decisions in the present. I am separating now because they are unsafe now. I am writing now because they were unsafe and confusing in the past. The two are separate things.

That really helps me to understand.

Also, as mentioned before, this has enabled me to see the good in my childhood. Really, to see the good. In the past, the good moments were actually what caused triggers. Because there was something deep inside of me (the small child, perhaps, or part of my body, as in previous hypnotherapy sessions) that absolutely would go crazy if I contemplated letting my parents go back into my life. It would obsess my thoughts, cause me stress and anxiety, cause my mind to race, and eventually I would flop helplessly into bed, with spinning anxious thoughts and nap for three hours at a time.

But now? Yes, there were good times. Yay. My dad was not a monster all of the time. Yay, at times, he was a decent person. Yay, at times he enjoyed nature, and he enjoyed being in nature with us. Yay. These are good times. There is some bad, but they are not laced with evil. Not all of them. They can just be good times. I can rejoice in them. I don’t have to try to make them all be bad in order to get through the day.

This has, I think, made me a much healthier person and also — if I can say it — a more integrated person. It is a more honest story. My father was neither pure evil nor pure good. He was more evil than is normal: he was evil in a certain way that I am now trying to unravel. But he is evil right now in the present in a specific way that I need to protect myself from. That is why I am going no contact, not because of my childhood.

We discussed that much of my childhood was like living with “Jekyl and Hyde.” (A story about a man a good inventor, who at night would transform into a monster that would terrorize England). Most the the darkest moments of anger I do not remember: I know that they existed in a sort of abstract way, but have no memory of the times that my dad really lost it, threw objects against the walls, threw things at his kids, smacked us, yelled at his wife and at his family. I don’t remember these times. But I know that they existed. They were rare: very, very rare. And yet they were omnipresent.

“You’d better not do that,” his voice would drop, and his head turn slightly forwards so he was looking through his eyebrows. His eyes were narrowed and his jaw clench slightly. Our hearts would freeze. We knew. Stop it. Now. Or the anger would come.

Sometimes, after the anger would come, he would repent. But not really repent. “Let’s talk together about ways that we can keep that from happening.” Because he was out of control: it was as much on us as it was on him to control the demon inside. Because it was too powerful for one man to handle, apparent.

It was used against us by mom, too. “You’d better not do that, or I’ll tell dad when he gets home!” She feared and hated the anger. But she used it when it served her.

And we used it against one another. Lets be honest: I did it too. Maybe I was the worst of them: my brother certainly remembers it that way. “You’d better not, or I’ll tell dad!”

It was rare to see the anger in all of its furious glory. My wife saw it that one day at the family gathering. My brother recently saw it when his daughter came out as gay. I have seen it many times in dreams and anxious thoughts. 

I now sense that it is not coming. I do not know why, but I no longer fear it showing up on my doorstep. But if it does, I’m calling the cops.

“Well, that’s great,” she interjected, “that can be your contingency plan.”

My homework for this week, it was decided, was to create a contingency plan for if my parents showed up in town, or on our front doorstep. I will work on this.

Also, we discussed the next “issue” that I feel the need to work on is my relationship with the outside world. What I am doing (cutting off contact with someone) is fairly unusual. From people on the street to people in the church, folks will want to know why. So what will I say to them?

I will get together a list of responses that I will give to such people.

We also discussed that since writing my list of “why I am going no contact,” (and also the post, “what has been tried” has been very helpful), I have felt an incredible sense of peace. I really have little urge to write anymore. I feel no urgency to call lawyers or set up security cameras and the like. I just feel like “it will all be OK.” That is not saying that they will not do anything, or that the journey is over. It is not. I feel that there is still a hand to be played: I think the ball is in their court. I am expecting some move from them at some point.

But I am not worried. I feel incredibly at peace. I enjoy the sun and enjoy my time gardening and being with my family. Is it the calm before the storm? The calm after the storm? Or just…the calm…that comes from knowing that I am really cutting toxic people out of my life. For good. And I will never have to have them hurt me ever again.

She brought up the term toxic. As she did, I noticed my finger. “Some people are just toxic to you,” she said, “their very presence causes you pain and trauma. And you just need to remove yourself from them.” In the past I probably would not have agreed that there could be these sorts of moments: unless someone is being physically or sexually abusive, there is no reason to leave. That is the common consensus, the general wisdom on the matter. But it is wrong.

I thought again of my finger. Last night I glanced at it and saw with horror that a big glob of skin had died and was peeling off. It was unnerving having such a deep layer of skin coming off in dry layers, leaving pink and sensitive skin underneath. I had been working the day before: I guess I must have splashed some chemicals onto my skin. An accident, as normally I wear rubber gloves all day.

“Imagine if those chemicals were on more of your body…or in your body!” Toxicity is a real thing. You don’t want a little bit of it. Even a small amount can make you very ill. A lot of it will kill you.

People can be toxic, just as substances can. Sometimes, someone can be reasonable with most people, but toxic only to a certain type of person, or only in certain situations (often, behind closed doors), or maybe just to one person. 

I will never again be dismissive of someone who says, “that person is toxic,” or, “I am leaving a toxic/abusive relationship.”

Do some people abuse this? Perhaps. Do some abusive people call their victim abusive? They do. Do some abusers play the victim card, and call their victims narcissists, bipolar, crazy, and every name in the book? Yes, they do. And so no, I will never carte blanche accept that everyone who calls someone a narcissist or a toxic person: but they exist. And I will never deny that they exist. I will give people the benefit of the doubt: and when the person is already meek in nature, and typically tries to please people and be “the good person,” in most of their life, and yet there is one person that they finally get up the courage to distance themselves from, and call “toxic?” Pretty much 100%, I will trust that person.

We talked briefly about the fact that with my parents being how they are, I really need to limit how I am on social media, and in my podcast. Even in personal illustrations in my podcasts. I would like to be honest about my journey, but how can I? Need I fear that my parents would use things that I say — that I am struggling mentally, that I take meds — to try to prove that I am mentally unstable, unable to care for my kids, in need of their assistance?

She said that although they may be able to intimidate, the opposite is really true. In courts, it is those who take care of themselves, including being honest about their struggles, seeking help, and taking meds who are seen to be in the right. It is when people do not admit to any problems, do not take meds, etc., that the courts may sometimes deem them unfit. And so this may be an unreasonable fear.

I said that I feel no compulsion: I feel that my “gut” is leading me, and I will know when it is time to start talking more openly again. 

So my homework for the week will be to:

1. Create a contingency plan for when/if my parents come to town or to the door
2. Create a contingency plan for talking to people about my parents