Third therapy session with Karen
We seem to be settling into a good rhythm. I really feel that she hears and understands me.
Although I was originally off-put by her training in feminism, I am finding that she is very understanding of the ways that I was abused through power dynamics. This is exactly at the heart of my issues, as my birth father and my birth mother were very controlling, each in their own ways.
She has been reading my blog, which I have much appreciated. She mentioned that confronting my parents as a young child must have taken incredible courage: I said that it did. She said that it was very evident that I had been picked out as the “glue,” and arbiter of the family. She said that this is called “narcissistic triangulation,” where people in dysfunctional relationships select someone to go between them.
I discussed how my wife and I are discussing how to react to my parents: through assertiveness training, or abuse-victim dynamics? We have decided to really go no contact, and just say nothing.
She laughed, and said, “Well, assertiveness is great, but it doesn’t seem like your parents will say, ‘oh, thank you so much for these guidelines. Now we will behave much differently.’” It seems like she gets my situation, and understands my parents. This validation is very much needed and appreciated.
She mentioned the author Hare, and a book on psychopaths. She said, “Of course you will know now through your research..that these people do not change.” She mentioned an anecdote from the book: that a counsellor had been visiting a psychopath in prison, to try to cure him of his psychopothy. In some way (she forgets the details) he found out (by reading a private journal or some such thing) that the man was not really reforming, but was learning from him, and becoming an even more clever psychopath. He stopped his counselling practice with him.
The reality is that some people are fundamentally pointed upwards, some downwards. There is little you can do to change the heart-orientation of people, once they are set int their ways.
I asked her if there was anything that I could do other than take naps, to restore myself. She said that naps were very restorative, and that this would be a temporary thing. “Mental plasticity is a real thing,” she said, “your neurons are finding new pathways. This will be tiring, but it will pass.” She recommended, “the Brain that changes itself.” She cautioned me against using Ativan too much: this is a drug that was prescribed to me for use when thoughts become very overwhelming: but it can become addictive and can be quite dangerous. “Just take a nap. It is healthy, good self-care, and a much better alternative.”
After the call, I was on a bit of a high, which lasted all night. In the morning, I had the energy to catch myself up on two weeks of blogging, which is quite a feat. I scheduled another session for Tuesday, or five days later.
I told my wife how well our sessions went. She leant over the counter and could barely contain the tears.
“I am so glad that you found someone! So, so glad!” She repeated, “Now I don’t have to carry you anymore!”
I have been trying very hard not to be a burden to my wife, but I suppose it it inevitable. I am very much hoping that a good connection to a therapist can give me that affirmation, guidance, and validation that I so desperately need so that I can chart a course through this labyrinth to the health that lies on the other side. And I can do it, without depleting my wife as much, as she also is on her own journey at this time.
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