Narcissistic Parents: Heal from Distant and Self-Involved Parents (Aug. 22)

Notes from “Narcissistic Parents: Healing from Distant and Self-Involved Parents.”

[Note: this was the first book I read that put the topics of narcissism and parenting together. Huge lightbulbs went off! Wow, what an experience it was, reading this book! I have here collected some of the more important quotes. I will discuss these themes at length in later posts. My reflections are at the bottom]

Confidence and self-belief are healthy, but overconfidence and believing your positive attributes make you better than other people crosses from healthy to extreme narcissism.

A Narcissistic Parent Do Favoritism  A narcissistic parent constantly chooses one child over the other children, and it is a common symptom of a narcissistic parental personality disorder.

….but that is only valid if her golden child does whatever she says. Once he/she stops listening to her, then he is like the other children to her. This habit creates hatred among the siblings, and one child has eternal love for her/his parent, and the other children hate her for being unbiased.

A Narcissistic Parent Undermines The accomplishments and the success of the child are only acknowledged by a narcissistic parent to the extent where she can take the whole credit for her child's success.

A Narcissistic Parent Denigrates and Degrades A narcissistic parent criticizes, demeans and degrades her child in public to be a better person in front of everyone.

She will always complain about no one being there for her and no one taking care of her. It is disgusting as she is talking about herself rather than being there for her child. This is the peak of self-centeredness.  She will always complain about the selfishness and the lack of empathy in people and will not note her actions.

A Narcissistic Parent Makes Her Child Look Crazy If a child tries to confront her upon her actions, a narcissistic parent will make her child look crazy.

A Narcissistic Parent Is Envious               A narcissistic parent envies her child. For instance, many narcissistic parents compete with their children and compare themselves with their daughters and daughters-in-law.

The Six Faces of Maternal Narcissism A narcissistic parent has six faces or six types. Each face or the type of maternal narcissism is briefly described below. The Flamboyant Extrovert The is the narcissistic parent about whom drama serials and movies are made. She is like a star parent or a perfect parent to the public, except her family members and her child.

The Psychosomatic A narcissistic parent who uses the physical pain, aches and the illness to draw the attention of her child is known as the psychosomatic parent. She can even fake the illness to get the people to notice her.  She does not care about those around her. She just wants to feel better by getting all that attention and care.

Hyperactive Attunement: Hyperactivity is one of the symptoms victims of abuse learn to help them cope with their abuser. It helps them know when things are about to get messy. They are keen to subtle changes in the way the abuser responds to them. This makes them realize changes in facial expression, tone, and so forth. They can also identify the contradiction between gestures and spoken words. It is so exhausting to learn all this as a child. However, it is also important for them because it is the only survival technique they are aware of, which can help them avoid unnecessary pain. They grew up on the lookout for verbal, physical and emotional cues from narcissistic parents and caregivers.

Emotional sabotage: Narcissistic parents create an unhealthy relationship with their children. Children grow up afraid. They know one thing leads to another and are pessimistic about some situations. Respect and true love are foreign to them. If they come across someone who loves them unconditionally, it can be unsettling.

Rationalizing the abuse:

…You get to a point where you feel your abuser is not a bad person. They had to react the way they did because you probably did something terrible to provoke them.

Fear of success: Narcissists do not just take away your happiness; they take away your life. At some point, you stop doing the things you used to love. Success becomes a myth for you because it makes you happy, yet your partner hates it when you derive happiness from anything other than themselves. Talent, happiness, joy and everything else that interests you become a source of darkness, reprimand and reprisal. As this continues, you become depressed, lose confidence, anxiety sets in and you learn to hide away from the spotlight, allowing your partner to shine instead. What your abuser is doing is not keeping you away from your wins because they feel you are not good enough; they do it because they are afraid your success will weaken their hold on you.

This amplification of negativity will grow into self-sabotage, and if your partner is a malignant narcissist, suicide might not be so far off.

Unhealthy compromises: In order to meet your narcissistic partner's needs, you have to compromise on your needs, emotional or otherwise. Everything about you comes second after your partner. Your physical safety also becomes less of a priority to your partner or yourself. An individual who once lived a very happy and satisfying life ends up living purposely to satisfy the needs of their narcissistic partner. Many partners in such relationships give up their friendships, goals, hobbies and lives to satisfy their abusive partner. Sadly, the more you give up, the more you realize your partner will never truly be happy or satisfied with your sacrifices. Health problems: Many victims of narcissistic abuse develop health issues along the way. A victim who has maintained a healthy lifestyle will start gaining weight suddenly, while some will lose weight. It is also possible to develop serious health problems as a result of stress because most of the time, your body works too hard to balance your cortisol levels. Your immune system also suffers from trauma.  Sleep becomes a challenge for such people in a relationship because you don't feel safe sleeping even in your own house. You experience frequent nightmares and are dazed most of the time when you recall the trauma you have been through.

Serial rule breakers Narcissists at work believe they are too special to follow the rules.

Bancroft PsyD, Dr. Rachel. NARCISSISTIC PARENTS: Heal from Distant and Self-Involved Parents. A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over emotionally immature Parents. Overcome Your Childhood Manipulation and Lack of Empathy . Dr. Rachel Bancroft. Kindle Edition. 

My Reflections: "Did my parents compliment me?"

Times that other men gave me compliments:

- On my first year of high school, I was invited to join the jazz band as a bass player, even though I had only started music that year. I practised until I had blisters on my fingers, then kept practising until the blisters popped, then kept practising (with painful fingers) until I got it right. I memorized the songs we needed for the Christmas concert, even though I still didn’t really know how to play or read music very well. After the concert, the bandleader, in his little talk to the school, (thank you all for coming, didn’t the band you great? Etc.) personally mentioned me, and said I had done an amazing job. The band drummer (who was a really cool kid, he was in a real rock band!) Watched me playing later that year. He asked, “did you just see that music today?“ He said out loud to others later, “I always thought Ishmael learned very very quickly!“
- My parents were also there. My dad said, “well, you did pretty good! I only noticed a few mistakes. So that is pretty good you only make a few mistakes!“

The Tackle Box

– One day, dad gave me the family tackle box. He re-purposed it to use it for my electronics. (I still have the tacklebox) I asked why he was giving it to me. Wasn’t it for everyone? (We were all getting older, and we weren’t fishing as much anymore) he said he wanted to give it to me, because I was always helping with chores, while the others weren’t. This was probably true, but it always made me a little uncomfortable how I would seem to get better treatment than the others. But it was true that I did chores faster than the others, and sometimes without being asked.

The first day of school

I distinctly remember the first day of going to Bible school. My parents drove me out. I was very quiet on the way out. I knew it was a big step! We were looking for a church to attend before school, and we couldn’t find one. Then we went to Subway to eat, since we signed in in the early afternoon. I asked dad, “how do I look?“ I guess I was feeling self-conscious. He said, “You need a belt! You look half dressed!“

 I am having a very hard time thinking of a time with my parents gave me a pure compliment. Without comparing myself to others. I realize that even the compliments that I remembered from this time we’re mostly comparisons. Surely they must have said something positive at one time, I just can’t think of what. They may have complimented me on reading my Bible, and memorizing sections, although I don’t distinctly remember that.

Help Leaving Home

When I wanted to go to Bible College – which was my way of getting out of the house, and my only way to leave my parents -- my parents did not help me at all with student loan paperwork. Probably, they were not able to, but also they showed no interest in trying. I don’t remember where I went -- maybe the bank? – And asked about a student loan. But I needed someone to cosign. My parents were not able to because they had gone bankrupt recently. (They would be appalled I told anyone that, since it was technically a “consumer proposal” and not bankruptcy. I’m not exactly sure what the difference is, but the effect was the same. They could not have debt, nor could they cosign a loan for me) I asked two elders in our church to cosign for me. They both said no, but they both gave small gifts -- $200 and $500 cash towards my education. Now that I think of it, my parents never gave any money (not that they were obligated!). They drove me out to school once, and they came for the graduation.

I did not have the funds to pay for my first semester. I prayed, and expect God to provide, but he did not. I asked the school if I could pay it off over the summer, and the accountant very kindly agreed. I had to pay my bus ticket home on credit card. That was around five or $600 I think. When dad found out I did that he said, “that is not the way you do things!“ I thought it was ironic he was trying to lecture me on that, considering his track record. I paid it off as quickly as possible. Within a few weeks, I think, and I paid off my school that summer. I saved up enough to pay a little bit ahead for the next semester, but needed to stop at Christmas, because I did not want to amassed too much debt, since I did not have a means of having student loans. Over the next year and a half, I saved up and paid off my debts, and I think I must have figured out how to do student loans, because I think I had some student loans at this time.

It is interesting that to other men stepped in to give the little bit that they could to me. However, my own parents -- who would think nothing of spending two or $300 on a birthday party, or would host a stranger for months at a time, without asking for rent -- did not give one penny towards my college, or even help me figure out the paperwork. After the fact, I realized there were things like scholarships, funds for underprivileged people, bursaries, and the lake. They were not obligated to do anything, and funds were tight, and they were busy, of course, but it was just interesting that they did nothing. 

Was it because I was becoming strong? Leaving them? And they resented this? 

...just interesting thoughts...I would have always said that my parents were great parents. The very best. But don't normal parents compliment their children? And try to help them become better? Help them leave home? What does it mean that my parents didn't do those sorts of things?