Throwing Apples

On Halloween, my parents gave our kids a box filled with very expensive cards, and bags of sugar-free candies. We had had issues with giving in the past: the give too much, they give "junk," they give gifts unequally. They give clothes that don't fit our kids. They ask for suggestions, then ignore our suggestions. They give very environmentally damaging gifts, when we are more eco-conscious. These are some of the issues we have dealt with. Also, when gifts are given, there is an expectation that we will take pictures of the kids opening them, and thank them. Gifts are a big deal, and a source of tension.  So when I got a box of gifts, for halloween (who gives gifts for halloween?) while there was tension between us, I spent time journalling. What was I to make of this gift? Should I give it to the children or not? ** Am I giving the kids the cards? The Candy? No to the cards. Why? Because they are trying to be goofy and inviting, trying to lur...

A question I would anticipate my parents thinking or maybe asking is, “what did I do? The answer is, lately, not much! They have been on their best behaviour for years. But that does not mean all is well. A few years ago I realized how rage can be used as manipulation. The cycle is that someone – usually dad, but sometimes mom – we fly into a rage. Angry voices, tempers flare in, sometimes things were thrown. Sometimes, those who got in the way were “disciplined”. And then afterwords, everything went back to normal. But it was not normal. It was a new normal. Actually, I’m moving too fast. Sometimes, there was a slight apology. “Sorry, I probably shouldn’t have raise my voice like that. I hope your feelings weren’t hurt? Here give me a hug…“ Usually, instinctively, we squirmed out of those hugs. We didn’t want it! It felt weird. We wish he would just skip that part. Then sometimes he would be overly silly, poke me to try to make me laugh so I would stop being mad I never liked ...

Text message: My sister called to say it’s a genetic cancer. I can choose to be tested to see if I have the same markers. If not, then no worries and my kids have no chance of it either. If I have the marker, then ALL my kids (boys and girl) can inherit it. It’s a more rare form of genetic markers. Her chances of reoccurring are very high, so she’s getting a mastectomy of both breasts. Also higher chances of developing ovarian cancer and such. Whoosh, what terrible news!

When is a perfect time to leave? When the ministry is failing, you are fading, and everything has dragged on too long? Or when the ministry is healthy, competent people are in place, and you feel a call to move on? Where is the perfect place to move to , from a long-time ministry? Into another long-term, deep, hard-working ministry? But then, where is the space to mourn the passing of one season into that of another? Or is it better to move out of ministry for a time — into a season of rest, sabbatical and “normal life”? To have space and time in which to heal, refresh, and recalibrate, Before moving into the next ministry? When is the perfect time to leave support? When support drops, when there is no money left, and nobody left to call? 
 When desperate calls and arrangements must be made, and it takes years to dig out of the hole? Many there are who have walked that road. Or do we leave when support is still strong, when there are means to make a change, and when Go...

I feel as though there is a little man inside of me who woke up and came to the office one day to find that the company had been repossessed, he was moving departments, he would have no friends, no acquaintances, no one to rely on, but he would be expected to perform in the new place. That little man is frantically running around his office, trying to grab things, trying to figure out what life will be. I feel angry inside. Not all of me, just part of me. Most of me is quite calm. Things have worked out well. Everyone is happy with us. Things are moving in the direction we have wanted for a long time. We feel God‘s hand, peace and blessing on us. So why do I feel so angry? Angry at home? There is nobody to be angry at. We are the architects of this new chapter. Some have tried to hurt us, but they were unsuccessful. Angry at myself? I don’t think so. I am proud of the courage we have had. Angry at circumstances? I don’t think so. Again, all is working according to plan. We have t...