It. Was. Not. Me. (vomiting the shame from my mother) (Nov. 18)
I began my run by listening to your mother, by pink Floyd
Mother, do you think they'll drop the bomb?
Mother, do you think they'll like the song?
Mother, do you think they'll try to break my balls?
Mother, should I build the wall?
Mother, should I run for president?
Mother, should I trust the government?
Mother, will they put me in the firing line?
Is it just a waste of time?
Hush now baby, baby, don't you cry.
Mamma's gonna make all of your nightmares come true.
Mamma's gonna put all of her fears into you.
Mamma's gonna keep you right here under her wing,
She won't let you fly but she might let you sing.
Mamma's gonna keep baby cosy and warm.
Oooh babe
Oooh babe
Lyrics continue below
Ooh babe, of course Mamma's gonna help build the wall.
Mother, do think she's good enough... for me?
Mother, do think she's dangerous... to me?
Mother, will she tear your little boy apart?
Mother, will she break my heart?
Hush now baby, baby, don't you cry.
Mamma's gonna check out all your girlfriends for you.
Mamma won't let anyone dirty get through.
Mamma's gonna wait up till you get in.
Mamma will always find out where you've been.
Mamma's gonna keep baby healthy and clean.
Oooh babe
Oooh babe
Ooh babe, you'll always be a baby to me.
Mother, did it need to be so high...?
***
As I ran, I tried not to analyze anything. But I thought of my childhood. I thought of my mom, and especially how she interfered with the marriages of her children.
*** song “trust in you”
The music changed to Lauren Daigle. The key phrase was, “when you don’t move the mountain, I’m needing you to move. “
Utilizing EMDR techniques, I ran, And as I did I held an image in my mind. the image in my mind of a young boy masturbating, then staring into the mirror. He spat on the mirror, because he hated himself so much. I thought of his strange attractions to his mother, and his irrepressible urges that caused him so much pain, and shame, from which he was unable to escape.
Suddenly, I yelled at the top of my lungs, “It. Was. Not. Me!!!” 
I collapse, and kept yelling over and over, “it was not me! It was not me, it was not me!“
I thought of all the terrible pain I went through, and how so much of it was not my fault.
I got up, intending to forgive my parents for what they had put me through.
*** song, “remember”
The key line came, “I remember...you have always been faithful to me!! You were there, always there, with me...”
Suddenly I began to weep again. “God, you rescued me from that! You were there!”
The vision of God rescuing me, through godly men, came rushing through my mind. I was so grateful. At the same time, I felt ashamed, thinking of those times, and my sins.
“God, will you forgive me, again, for those things?“
I got the image of a tired old clerk taking something out of storage and showing it to me, yet again. A brown package with string and a red wax seal on it. Yes, it has been paid. How many times do I need to tell you?
Well then why do I still feel dirty?
I was leaning against a tree now. I hugged it, feeling alone.
Because they have not repented of their sins. And you are carrying them.
I forgave my parents then.
I declared: “I forgive you for what you did to me. I will pay the emotional pain and consequences of your actions BUT I will not pay for your sin!!! Keep your own shit!”
It is not me! It is not me!
Suddenly I felt the urge to vomit. I fell to my knees and wretched over and over. I am very loud when I vomit: I sobbed and retched and retched. I thought I really would throw up, but I did not.
Exhausted, I tipped forwards, and the snow was cold on my forehead as I sobbed.
Then God said, “it is enough. Time to go.”
The session felt much shorter than last time. But it was time to go.
** song: “rebel heart”
As I turned to go, the song began, “lord, I offer up this rebel heart..”
I began to run again, offering my heart to God.
“Now this rebel eye belongs to you, now this rebel mind belongs to you...”
It was a prayer and a promise. That is in the past now. I am His. My mind and eyes and heart are his.
I felt compelled to take out one ear bud, breaking my concentration.
The session is over.
Why God? Why can’t we dwell here longer? Isn’t there more depths to uncover?
No. It is done. Leave it where it lays. And do not dwell. Do not go back for it. No need to reread this. This issue is closed.
Your rebel eyes and mind and heart are mine.
Have I not commanded you? Be bold and courageous. This is the way, walk ye in it.

[Note: what really stuck with me about this session, days and weeks later was how urgently God prompted me to leave the forest. I felt like I was being chased out. I kept looking over my shoulder. Suddenly, the dark trails didn't seem so inviting. "Are there cougars in these woods?" I wondered if God was protecting me from something unseen. And He was. He was trying to protect me from shame. I ran those trails again, but never again past that tree. I had a superstitious, silly idea that there was a dark glob of evil there -- the shame that had been put on me -- that would jump back up on me, if I gave it a chance.
Weeks later, as we drove into my hometown, I was seized with anxiety at the thought of meeting my parents. I could feel the judgment and disapproval in their eyes, in their words. The shame they projected was like hooks, pulling me in where I had to do their will. As I drove, I felt God prompt me to repeat over and over, "it was not me..." I began to quietly retch again. I felt the shame coming out. It is an exercise I have had to repeat several times. Shame can return so easily when we become accustomed to it. And evil people can learn to control us by shaming us. This was why God wanted me to get the hell out of that forest. It was powerful metaphor: vomit up the shame, then run like hell so that it doesn't catch up to you. Because that is not you!]
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Mother, do you think they'll drop the bomb?
Mother, do you think they'll like the song?
Mother, do you think they'll try to break my balls?
Mother, should I build the wall?
Mother, should I run for president?
Mother, should I trust the government?
Mother, will they put me in the firing line?
Is it just a waste of time?
Hush now baby, baby, don't you cry.
Mamma's gonna make all of your nightmares come true.
Mamma's gonna put all of her fears into you.
Mamma's gonna keep you right here under her wing,
She won't let you fly but she might let you sing.
Mamma's gonna keep baby cosy and warm.
Oooh babe
Oooh babe
Lyrics continue below
Ooh babe, of course Mamma's gonna help build the wall.
Mother, do think she's good enough... for me?
Mother, do think she's dangerous... to me?
Mother, will she tear your little boy apart?
Mother, will she break my heart?
Hush now baby, baby, don't you cry.
Mamma's gonna check out all your girlfriends for you.
Mamma won't let anyone dirty get through.
Mamma's gonna wait up till you get in.
Mamma will always find out where you've been.
Mamma's gonna keep baby healthy and clean.
Oooh babe
Oooh babe
Ooh babe, you'll always be a baby to me.
Mother, did it need to be so high...?
***
As I ran, I tried not to analyze anything. But I thought of my childhood. I thought of my mom, and especially how she interfered with the marriages of her children.
*** song “trust in you”
The music changed to Lauren Daigle. The key phrase was, “when you don’t move the mountain, I’m needing you to move. “
Utilizing EMDR techniques, I ran, And as I did I held an image in my mind. the image in my mind of a young boy masturbating, then staring into the mirror. He spat on the mirror, because he hated himself so much. I thought of his strange attractions to his mother, and his irrepressible urges that caused him so much pain, and shame, from which he was unable to escape.
Suddenly, I yelled at the top of my lungs, “It. Was. Not. Me!!!” 
I collapse, and kept yelling over and over, “it was not me! It was not me, it was not me!“
I thought of all the terrible pain I went through, and how so much of it was not my fault.
I got up, intending to forgive my parents for what they had put me through.
*** song, “remember”
The key line came, “I remember...you have always been faithful to me!! You were there, always there, with me...”
Suddenly I began to weep again. “God, you rescued me from that! You were there!”
The vision of God rescuing me, through godly men, came rushing through my mind. I was so grateful. At the same time, I felt ashamed, thinking of those times, and my sins.
“God, will you forgive me, again, for those things?“
I got the image of a tired old clerk taking something out of storage and showing it to me, yet again. A brown package with string and a red wax seal on it. Yes, it has been paid. How many times do I need to tell you?
Well then why do I still feel dirty?
I was leaning against a tree now. I hugged it, feeling alone.
Because they have not repented of their sins. And you are carrying them.
I forgave my parents then.
I declared: “I forgive you for what you did to me. I will pay the emotional pain and consequences of your actions BUT I will not pay for your sin!!! Keep your own shit!”
It is not me! It is not me!
Suddenly I felt the urge to vomit. I fell to my knees and wretched over and over. I am very loud when I vomit: I sobbed and retched and retched. I thought I really would throw up, but I did not.
Exhausted, I tipped forwards, and the snow was cold on my forehead as I sobbed.
Then God said, “it is enough. Time to go.”
The session felt much shorter than last time. But it was time to go.
** song: “rebel heart”
As I turned to go, the song began, “lord, I offer up this rebel heart..”
I began to run again, offering my heart to God.
“Now this rebel eye belongs to you, now this rebel mind belongs to you...”
It was a prayer and a promise. That is in the past now. I am His. My mind and eyes and heart are his.
I felt compelled to take out one ear bud, breaking my concentration.
The session is over.
Why God? Why can’t we dwell here longer? Isn’t there more depths to uncover?
No. It is done. Leave it where it lays. And do not dwell. Do not go back for it. No need to reread this. This issue is closed.
Your rebel eyes and mind and heart are mine.
Have I not commanded you? Be bold and courageous. This is the way, walk ye in it.

[Note: what really stuck with me about this session, days and weeks later was how urgently God prompted me to leave the forest. I felt like I was being chased out. I kept looking over my shoulder. Suddenly, the dark trails didn't seem so inviting. "Are there cougars in these woods?" I wondered if God was protecting me from something unseen. And He was. He was trying to protect me from shame. I ran those trails again, but never again past that tree. I had a superstitious, silly idea that there was a dark glob of evil there -- the shame that had been put on me -- that would jump back up on me, if I gave it a chance.
Weeks later, as we drove into my hometown, I was seized with anxiety at the thought of meeting my parents. I could feel the judgment and disapproval in their eyes, in their words. The shame they projected was like hooks, pulling me in where I had to do their will. As I drove, I felt God prompt me to repeat over and over, "it was not me..." I began to quietly retch again. I felt the shame coming out. It is an exercise I have had to repeat several times. Shame can return so easily when we become accustomed to it. And evil people can learn to control us by shaming us. This was why God wanted me to get the hell out of that forest. It was powerful metaphor: vomit up the shame, then run like hell so that it doesn't catch up to you. Because that is not you!]
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