Diagnosing my father part two: The Dark Triad

In a podcast, I learned about the "dark triad" and the "dark tetrad." This is "the worst sort of person that you will ever meet." Saying such people are often criminals doesn't quite do it justice. These are the people who are...just plain evil. Often, they are too smart to get caught. Often, they skate that delicate line between legal and illegal. Many are politicians or influential business leaders. But they are deadly dangerous people. The psychologist doing the podcast advised, "If you are dealing with a person like this it is very important that you watch your actions carefully. Do not try to expose them without some strong legal advice/protection, as they can become very very dangerous."

In earlier posts, I have talked about a very dark and fearful presence emanating from my dad. I have been terrified, thinking of him forcing his way into our house. I have felt like there was a spiritual presence (in some way connected to my dad) outside our front door. Dad has genuinely scared me in how he has conducted business in the past, particularly in how much he hates those that he feels have crossed him, and how willing he seemed to be to (legally) destroy people, more than coming to a common agreement. In a post that may have at first seemed trivial, I wondered how my dad could laugh at my pain as a child. He does not seem to process the pain of others in the same way that normal people do.

Therefore, I am going to spend some time studying the dark triad, to see where my dad fits.

The Dark Triad

A more recent study in psychology is the so-called "dark" portions of the personality disorders. These dark disorders are:
- Narcissism
- Psychopathy
- Sadism
- Machiavellianism

Sadism

Sadism is the personality disorder of finding pleasure in the pain of other people. 

I had a very hard time finding a quiz for sadism. There only seemed to be one tool, which was repeated on many sites. It contained the following questions: I rated them 0-3 for my dad. By way of contrast (and to provide a sort of a control) I have rated myself right afterwards. 

0 - not true

1 - not very true

2 - quite true

3 - very true

1. I have made fun of people so that they know I am in control. Dad - 3; mom, 3; me - 0 

2. I never get tired of pushing people around. Dad - 2; ; mom, 2; me - 0

3. I would hurt somebody if it meant I would be in control. Dad - 3; mom, 2; me - 1

4. When I mock someone, it's funny to see them get upset. Dad - 2; mom, 0; me - 0

5. Being mean to others can be exciting. Dad - 2; mom, 0; me - 0

6. I get pleasure from mocking people in front of their friends. Dad - 2; mom, 0; me - 0

7. Watching people get into fights excites me. Dad - 2; mom, 0; me - 1

8. I think about hurting people who irritate me. Dad - 3; mom, 1; me - 1

I do not know how to tabulate these results, as the site came with no instructions, but my dad seems quite high in sadism. He scored a 19/24, whereas I scored a 3/24. The issue for him seems to be control, which makes sense, because in yesterday's post, I saw that he is a narcissist, who is off the charts for independence, and control. 

On wikipedia, it was mentioned that there are four types of sadism: the one that seemed to fit was "explosive sadism." "Unpredictably precipitous outbursts and fury; uncontrollable rage and fearsome attacks; feelings of humiliation are pent-up and discharged; subsequently contrite." It notes that this "includes borderline features," which -- again -- fits with what I learned yesterday, since dad scores very high in borderline personality disorder. What really sticks out to me about "explosive sadism" is that it comes from pent up feelings of humiliation, discharges on whomever is present, then feels very contrite. That is my dad to a tee. When he is mad, he does not give a damn about you, and I strongly feel he could cause any kind of pain, without any sense of reservation. That is what I witnessed in how he disciplined us, in his more angry moments: they sky was literally the limit when it came to what he was capable of. But afterwards, he would calm down and often feel very contrite and even asked us on numerous occasions, "how can we make sure that never happens again?" I think his sadism scares him, and he wants people around him to act in such a way as not to arouse it.

Some of the things that really set it off are: repeated humiliations (for example at work, or from having his financial situation be in ruin), combined with a trigger, such as one of his children (often my older brother) not obeying, then openly defying his authority. This combination was very often crazy-making, and lead to outbursts of rage that I still remember vividly, and which still scare me to some extent.

Part of what got me thinking along these lines was a letter that my dad sent us children a few years ago. He said he was sending it in paper format, so there would be no e-mail trail. I did not show it to my wife, and I am pretty sure I threw it out. Frustratingly, I tended to throw out anything that did not seem to reflect well on my dad during this time: and so now, I am missing crucial pieces of information that would help me put together the puzzle.

In this letter, he talked about a movie that he watched (I forget which one). He said that it sparked his memory, and made him think of "some very dark times" as a young teen. For some reason, he felt the desire to harm animals. He spoke vividly of dissecting frogs that he found in the woods, while they were still alive. He set up a whole torture chamber for frogs, where they would die slowly while being impaled, or die for lack of water, just inches away from a water source. He found it strangely addictive at the time. However, he was later horrified by it, and turned away from this completely. He says he has not thought in these directions for years and years, until the movie sparked his thoughts. 

This gets me thinking in the direction of sadomasachism, (S&M)...

Sadomasachism 

Sadomasachism is sadism, combined with some sexual or emotional gratification gained from the pain of others. I did one survey online for my dad, but the results did not seem to make sense. (I answered the questions from the perspective of a "healthy" person, and seemed to get similar results...some online quizzes are just not reliable). 

I have been trying to research sadomasachism, but finding it hard because so many articles are peppered with pictures of people engaging in S&M sexual acts. I am finding it disturbing and uncomfortable to direct my attention in this direction, especially in connection with my dad.

From what I have already mentioned based on the frogs, I think it is evident that my dad has the wiring for sadomasachism. He could receive gratification from the pain of others: he has admitted as much to me in writing. However, his strong Chritian beliefs probably militate against his desire to cause pain, and seemingly cause him shame when he is aroused by said pain. Therefore, he seems to be trying to repress these urges, and distance himself from them.   

… And so is my father the sort of person who could kidnap a prostitute, and achieve sexual gratification by torturing her to death? Likely not, because his sadism comes in bursts, often tied to feelings of humiliation, or built-up rage. After the short burst, there is intense remorse. And so it does not seem that he would have enough time to perpetrate such an act.

 however, it does seem likely that he is the sort of person who would be secretly aroused by the idea. Perhaps he struggles with dark thoughts of this nature, and tries to hide them from his wife and the rest of the world.

It is possible that he and his wife engage in some form of SNM in the bedroom. It would seem to fit with what I have seen here. If they do, that is entirely their business. And if it is consensual, it is not considered a deviant behaviour.

I will leave my research on sadomasochism here, and move on to the other aspects of the dark triad.

**

As I think more about this, I think that it is highly unlikely that my mother – who has absolutely no inclination towards psychopathy, and does not seem to derive any pleasure from the pain of others (she is willing to inflict pain to get what she wants, but she does not seem to derive any special pleasure from it in the way that my dad does) As I think more about this,

She scored an eight out of 24 for sadism. She is more capable of driving pleasure from pain than I am, (or, more willing to inflict pain in order to get what she wants, and not to be bothered by the pain of others). However, the number still seems quite low compared to dad.

For this reason, and also because S&M seems so contrary to Christian ideas and teaching, it seems very unlikely that they engage in anything like this in the bedroom. Perhaps they do so only if my dad is drunk, or in a rage, or in some other way loses control and inhibition. This reminds me that – while we abstained from all alcohol while growing up — dad began to drink a little bit after we left the home. Mom told him one time, “I don’t want you to drink! I hate it when you drink. And… You know why!” They exchanged meaningful glances. I always wondered what she meant by that. It was not something for others to know about, just between the two of them.

If dad has desires which are not being met, that may mean that my dad has repressed urges that he does not know what to do with, and he is perhaps projecting in other directions, or else they are just part of a repressed persona which is stuffed down inside of him, and coming out in other problematic ways which are troubling to him, but which he cannot control completely.

This seems to me as accurate, and I feel that my fears inside are finding a voice for what they have been giving me dreams about, and dark images throughout the day…

Machiavellianism

My dad scored a 78/100. My mom scored 31/100. I scored 40/100. An average score (of university students) seems to be around 55-71. 

My dad seems to be quite high in Machiavellianism, which rounds out the dark triad for him. My mom is very low in Machiavellianism, which speaks to me of her gullibility. Just as dad compartmentalizes, my mom also compartmentalizes. She often chooses to "look on the bright side," and (in her "ministry," for example) may work with someone known to be a drug abuser, and guilty of various crimes, but she chooses to believe there is good in the person, and ignores any possibility of bad. She sees the world in black and white, though, and so once a person proves that they are "bad," they flip and become evil in her eyes. However, she seems to look at dad with rose coloured glasses, seeing only good in him. Choosing to disbelieve that he can do no evil.

Dad, for his part, seems to have a conflicted relationship with his darker side. He knows that it is there, and it troubles him greatly. When he loses control, he does things that he does not understand, and which cause him to feel that he is dirty, or broken inside. His best acts of love are times when he has sat his family down, after such blowups, to say to us, "I am really sorry that that happened. I do not like it when that happens. How can we work together to make sure that this never happens again?" Usually, he is looking for a response such as, "we will be sure never to make you mad." If the response is not given, he requests it: he is not able to control the darkness, and so it was up to us to try to not rouse it. 

He is desperate for our help, because he feels just as powerless as we do when the rage takes over him.

Mom seems, again, to be necessary in his dysfunction. Her idealized version of who he is is the reality in which he choses to live. He needs her to see him that way. It is very important for him: because he fears the darkness, and fears that that might really be his true self. To hide from that, he turns to his wife, and he turns to religion (which he studies incessantly) to convince himself that he is a good person. 

I am not, of course, debating whether he is a good person or making any sort of moral judgment on him. However, according to this scientific data, it does seem that he carries with him the so-called "dark triad" of personality disorders: psychopathy, sadism, and machiavelianism. 

Malignant narcissism

Malignant narcissism is a term that is also used. It does not seem to be a separate category, but rather a way of identifying the "extreme" narcissism. Often, malignant narcissists display other antisocial behaviours, such as psychopathy, lack of empathy, aggression, and manipulation. 

Based on this website, and also based on what I have seen in the past two posts, it does seem like my parents could also be described as "malignant narcissists." I will not study this term further, as it seems to be just another label for the same thing, and does not add much clarity to my discussion.

Conclusion

This concludes my study. Now, what to do about it?

Although very difficult to do, I have found this study to have been very...validating. Only a few days ago, I was remembering all of the good times with my dad. I had been studying my mom more, and began to wonder if she was the true problem? I was wondering whether dad was really actually a fairly decent and normal person. Maybe my dark dreams and inner fears towards him were just leftovers from an over-the-top disciplinary style, which was more common in Chrisitan/fundamentalist circles.

These studies have given me some scientific data points to reflect on. Although I do not claim omniscience, I believe that I have been as accurate as I can be in regards to these surveys. I think I have backed off on some issues where I simply do not know the answers. I do believe that these answers accurately reflect my parents.

This helps to clarify two things:

1) I have often had fears/fantasies of my father, in a rage, forcibly entering my house, or attacking me physically, perhaps with a weapon

2) I have sometimes had the fantasy/idea of provoking him to physically attack me, since,

3) Nobody can seem to understand the level of fear that I feel towards him.

I genuinely feel that I should be able to get a restraining order against him. He should be put in prison. Really. Not for what he has done, but for what he is capable of doing. He is capable of...anything. If enraged enough? Just about anything. 

But I cannot explain this to people. No matter how hard I try, I feel like people just don't get it. 

"My dad gets angry." 

"OK, well, lots of people get angry. Do you get angry sometimes?"

"Yes, but...he gets really angry. It scares me. And it still scares me. That fear actually manipulates/controls me in weird ways."

"OK...let's talk about your level of fear, and try to resolve your childhood trauma..."

"That is fine, but he still scares me."

"Has he ever been violent towards you as an adult?"

"No."

"Ever been violent towards anyone else as an adult?"

"Not really."

"Well then...I don't see your point."

"No, nobody does..."

...and yet my gut knows. That man is dangerous. I guess that is why I see the scenario. I have seen it so many times. Of him being angry, and me deliberately provoking him: sticking out my tongue, or making a face, or laughing at him. And he would snap, and start to flail and hit me. Maybe, in an ideal situation, he would take out his knife and try to slash or hit me with it. 

Then...then I could call the police. Then, I could put him in jail. Then, the world would know what a menace he is to myself and others. Then, I could finally keep my family safe. But would he go too far? Not just wound me, but maim or kill me? Could I poke the monster, and get just enough rage from him? Rage is a difficult beast to predict.

But as it is, I lock my doors at night because of my father. I have disturbing dreams when I think of him coming to town. I pray protections over my family, and try to get others to help me create a contingency plan if ever he attacks me. 

I have begun to discuss this with my wife (who is not at all surprised) and we have begun to discuss contingency plans for when he comes to town. Fortunately, with this pandemic, they won't be coming anytime soon. But there will need to be measures put in place.

Will we feel safe in our own home? This christmas, we felt the need to leave (flee?) town, while they visited. Otherwise, he would have come to the door and likely attacked me.

Will we feel safe letting the kids bike the streets? Would he try to find them? Talk to them? Or something else?

Is he capable of ultimate evils? Of kidnappings, of break-and-entering? Of unprovoked violence? Of murder, even? I know that he was in a gang as a teen: I know that he has a past in violence and criminal activity. I know that his father was a WWII vet, who did unthinkably evil acts (albeit for "the good guys") during that conflict. What sort of a man is my dad? What is the evil that lurks within? How well does he keep it under control?

I do not know. That is where I need to look next.

Part of me is scared by this -- obviously -- but part of me just needs to know. What kind of a man am I dealing with here? How can I keep myself safe from him? This is what I need to know.

There is a reason that I have made a private blog (and at this moment, I am wondering if it is private enough...could this blog be the thing to set him off?). There is a reason I am very hesitant with the thought of publishing a book about my upbringing, as others have encouraged me to do. 

I was wrong, above, when I said that his sadistic rage was always short-lived. As I mentioned in the post on my parent's legal history, his sadistic rage (simmering in absolute hatred towards my sister-in-law) burned on intensely for two, or three years while that trial went on. And I know that his rage is simmering towards myself right now. 

What is he capable of doing, while in that state? I do not know...but I feel as thought I need to find out...