Cocoon...

Today I woke up with a fairly intense dehydration headache. At least that’s what I thought it was.

I tend to get these fairly often, so was disappointed but not surprised. I should’ve gave her decaf coffee before bedtime, I guess.

I lay down in the darkest room in the house, with some Gatorade, and anticipated it would be gone by 10, noon at the latest. But it just stayed on. Noon came and went, too, I thought for sure three. But at 4:30 it was still there.

My wife began to be concerned about me. I assured her that I was in good spirits and did not seem sick other than my headache. No need to test for COVID-19.

As I lay there, I listen to a worship lullaby over and over and slept for two hour chunks for about six hours straight.

Some spread strange and simple thoughts went through my mind.

I thought of a butterfly, struggling to get free of its cocoon. “It must be very difficult to give birth to oneself!“

I did EMD are, and as my body, “why are you hurting me? Why are you hurting me so much?“

Because you won’t slow down.

“I will. I will slow down. Trust me!”

I don’t believe you. You need to slow down.

At a point later, it felt as though the pain centred on the left side of my brain, around the top of my head. I found this interesting because when I was doing EMD ER for my posttraumatic stress, I felt pain very specifically in about the same region on the other side of the head.

I did bilateral topping, and felt the need to tell myself, “you are the alpha now. Your father is no longer your head. You are the alpha now”

I think a transformation may have happened (or is still on) in my mind where I have become the dominant male in my own little kingdom. Similar to the transformation that happens in baboons and lions and other animals. After an alpha is defeated, the new raining alpha grows a thicker mean, some species of baboon grow specialized red facial features, and other animals have other ways of marking dominance. Sometimes, it is signified simply by posture.

Is this what has happened? Some sort of a physiological, mystical transformation? I suppose I will find out in the days and weeks ahead. Was I just dehydrated? Well, clearly I should have drank more before going to bed last night. But it’s not normal to lose an entire day like this.

Towards the end, my wife came in extremely concerned for me. She has seen me go through Brunner before, and she does not want me to go through it again. She needs me there for her, to do life together. I knew she was right. It was the same thing my body has been saying. I need to unhook. I need to stop trying so hard to unravel it all. The mystery is too close to me right now. If I try to unravel the mystery now, I will end by unravelling myself. I need some perspective.

I am not entirely sure how. The thoughts and the process is very involuntary. I think the best thing is to distract myself. But it’s hard to know how to distract myself. Perhaps writing fiction books is the best. Or maybe it is podcasting on theology and apologetics. These batteries don’t work me up in the same way.

Whatever the solution, it seems clear that something Non-Emergency is happened – either today, or certainly in the last few weeks and months – and that now what is needed is some time to heal and integrate these changes. Anything I can do for self-care at this time, for healing and focussing on my Lord and Savior, will be essential.

As a lay there, thinking that maybe a great shift was happening, I wondered to myself, “should I help this along somehow? Should I think tough and manly thoughts?“ But the answer seem to be… Put on the lullabies one more time. The lullabies had such comforting words about God being our strength, being always with us, always loving us. This message needs to be my guiding light.

David was a mighty man of valor. But he did not get that way by studying war, or by trying to be mighty. He got that way by singing hymns of praise to his guy. And that simple Joy turn to a simple faith and that simple faith became strong enough to overcome any giant.

So this might be the last post for a while. I need to stop and smell the roses of gods grace. And let their incense heal in 4 to5 my bones for the bottles which are inevitably ahead of me. Ishmael out.