The double-take
In addition to Joe, I have been paying attention to another coworker, Kim. Kim was also raised in a dysfunctional family. He was the victim of a lot of verbal abuse and neglect, but has not processed it into a narcissistic direction: not that I can tell, anyways. He does, however, show some very predictable patterns. Perhaps he is codependent. I am not sure at this point.
The other day I came to work, and Kim was already working. I saw him drive past with a loader, going very fast. I took note of that. When I sat down to get things ready, I saw that he had not filled out normal paperwork. I noticed that too. And so I got ready faster. When I came down, he had already pulled out the truck, which was my job to do. He had probably not done the correct paperwork before moving it. I knew at that point, “alert… Something is up!“
When I finally found him, I found that we had a load to do, and he was in a rush. As I had gathered.
What is made me think of was the “double take.“ In my previous reading, I learned that children of narcissists have something called hyper attunement. This can also lead to Stockholm syndrome.
When you are forced to live with somebody who has radical mood swings, a child – or even adults – learns to be hyper attuned to the emotional state of their abuser. One day, all is normal. Perhaps, things are usually pretty good. But that one day, things are different. One day, in the place of a smiling and reasonable father is an angry ogre, who could literally send them fling against the wall for the smallest infractions. The child learns to read the most subtle signs. How heavy the feet hit the floor. The lack of a friendly greeting when he enters the room. Refusing to make eye contact. Body posture. Jaw tension. Eyebrows.
All of these things say, “I am in a bad mood! Watch out!”
And so the child does learn to watch out. This is not the time to ask dad for a cookie, as him to come ride bike, or to bring up a bad report card. Any of these annoyances on a bad day could read dire consequences. Best to stay out of his way, and lay low.
Wait for the good times. In the good times, you can tell all is well. The body posture says it, the smile says it, the movement and words say it. This is the time to ask for favors. Sometimes, the abuser is overcompensating, or they are in a exuberantly. From my experience, narcissists seem to have extreme mood swings. So when things are good, they are very good. This is the time when you could ask mom or dad for anything, and they will get it.
As I say this, I realize this is what I believed “appealing to authority,” meant (1 Tim. 5:1). I think there is a biblical principle about appealing to authority, rather than challenging it. Yes, the verse says, “do not rebuke an older man, but appeal to him as a father.” When I realize I interpreted that as meaning is, “wait until he is in a good mood, then ask whatever you want.”
I realize I did that with my father-in-law when I was asking to date his daughter. He protested later that I had manipulated him in someway. Which was unfair -- because if you don’t mean something, why do you say it? It is not like he was drunk or something.
But a narcissist goes up and down, and it is like you were dealing with two different people.
Hence the hyper attunement. A child learns to read it. Given enough time, and the right emotional disposition, they can read it extremely well. They can read it by just seeing how fast dad drove into the driveway, or hearing a tool clatter from across the yard. Perhaps sometimes they over read. And sometimes dad corrects him. “Look, I’m not mad…“ Oops. My mistake. (The shame shifting onto the victim) I guess this time, you were just walking abruptly because you felt like it. All fine and well.
But it is not as though the abuser is unaware of his power. Sometimes, he explicitly says it. Jordan Peterson said in the lecture, “sometimes, I was not pleasant to be around. And that is OK. Sometimes I told my children, “look kids, dad is not in a good mood. I think you had better go and play in a different room for a little while.“ He said that as though it was normal.
I agree with a lot of things Peterson says, but I did not like that he said this. I did not like it because it reminded me of things my dad would say -- usually, it was not said this explicitly. Just the raising of an eyebrow, or a flick of the hand spoke louder than a yell. “Get out of my space, now! I am angry… Not at you… But if you stay here, I will be angry at you, and it will be your fault!“
That last bit is key. “It is your fault.“ Sometimes, this was explicitly said. “Look, I am sorry I yelled at you. But such and such happen, and I was in a bad mood. You just need to play outside for a little bit, OK?“ So… In other words… The child should have known. They should have known that dad was in a bad mood. That is why they got yelled at, when all they wanted was I candy or something totally reasonable. They should have known, but they didn't read the signs. Shame on them. Dad wasn't responsible for his actions (naturally). It's the child's fault.
I realize that I was both disciplined and shamed for not being highly attuned. When I did not read the emotions correctly, they were consequences. And those consequences were my fault. My fault, because dad could not control his emotions. And so those around him needed to watch out, read his emotions, and adjust accordingly. When appropriate, we just needed to get out of the way. And if we did not get out of the way… Well, anything that happened was our fault. Literally, our fault. And since what he did was shameful, that shame fell on us. “How could you make me do that? Didn’t you realize I was in a bad mood? Don’t you realize how hard I work all day, and then I come home to this…” 
Maybe this is why I asked my wife so often, when she is upset, “is it my fault? Are you mad at me?” If it is not my fault, I feel like we can work on it. But I cannot stand her being upset -- hurt or angry – if I am the cause. It really bothers me!
Hyper attunement, I realize, is a skill which can serve me. I loved the Netflix show, “lie to me,” because it’s all the secrets of reading body language. I understood it very well. Somewhere in the show, it was mentioned that all of the experts a body language were victims of abuse at one time or another. And so, in a way, there is a bright side. The abuse I suffered enables me to: one) detect, fairly accurately, when people are lying or disingenuous, two) understand what is really going on in peoples hearts, when they are talking, which can be helpful in counselling them, three) become more aware of my own emotions, as I read my own body language and realize what my body is saying as I am thinking various things.
But there is a cost as well. There is a cost because energy and resources are being directed in this way. Boundaries are a struggle. It is hard to know where another person‘s emotions end and mine start. Imagine living in a world where everybody shouts out there emotions all the time: that is where I live. “I am angry, how are you?“ “You disgust me, how was your day?” “I am sad about something, can I get you some coffee with your supper?“
It can be distracting to the relationships that are important and right in front of me to hear/see everyone's emotions all around me.
But it can also be downright toxic, when my hyper attunement is hardwired into my abusers emotions. This is where I could get a text… Or not to get a tax, when I knew instinctively I was due for one… and I would just know, from across the country with my father was feeling. I could feel the intensity slowly rising. I knew what I needed to do to bring the pressure down.
As I discussed in the blog post, “what did we do to make us leave you?“ It is the past abuse, things from 20 years ago or more, which still have tremendous power over me. The question is, how do I detach from these?
Thinking on the fly, I think the answer is:
One) telling myself, and believing, that is people are no longer a threat. They can no longer hurt me. This is the main thing. The components of this are:
Two) they have nothing on me. They have no legal, religious, social, contractual, familial, or any other sort of down to force me to do their bidding, or be close to them.
Until I can be very certain of this, number one will not be true.
 
At this point, it seems like the primary threat to number two, and hence to number one,… And hence to my overall emotional health… Is well-meaning people that are trying to push me into reconciliation when I am not yet done my processing. I need to just kindly push those people out of my processing…

**update**
While out driving today, I was thinking about this post, and thinking how… It is just really so wrong to expect someone to do this for you! It is wrong, wrong, wrong to ever lash out in anger and violent rage. Sure, everyone gets angry sometimes. But there are people – some of us were raised with them – who have integrated rage into who they are. “Yeah, he has a bit of a temper…“ everyone knows it about the person, and they themselves know it. Maybe they tell you, “you better watch it, or things will get ugly.“ And then… You grow up… And you are still "watching it"! Watching them! You are watching it all the time! You are controlled by it.
Again… Again… Deal with your own shit! Control your own emotions! Don’t ask the world to “watch it.“ You watch it! And if you are not capable of controlling your emotions, well, go get some help!
It is wrong to lose control, it is really wrong to for someone else to be in a heightened state of awareness and control, so that they can tiptoe around you.
And what happens when rage takes control… That really happened. That's on you. It's not on me. It’s not just, “oh, I got angry… Things happen. ...you should have been paying attention...“
I get it. We all need grace every once in a while. You get terrible news, have a bad day of work, then you stub your toe and you yell out something you regret. We all need grace now and then. And in those times, it really isn’t you. It’s just a combination of circumstances. But, here’s the thing – with a healthy person loses it, people notice. It stands out. “That’s not normal. “Often, the healthy person gets down on one knee and says, “mommy is sorry that she yelled at you. You didn’t do anything wrong. Do you understand that? I’m sorry that I yelled at you. Here, let me give you a hug while you cry.” That is the normal way to deal with an angry outburst.
But an unhealthy person is always simmering. Perhaps there is bitterness tucked inside. Or there is the pain. Or whatever the hell it is – why should I care? For some reason, day-to-day life is just too much. And so the person learns to deal with it. They start warning people around them. “You better not do that, because daddy might get angry…“ Or, “look, daddy is sorry that he yelled. But you were just so loud! You need to be more careful in the future… Daddy has a lot on his mind after such a hard day of work.“ (Even that is language which is too soft for what was typical of my dad…) The angry person trains the family to tiptoe around them. Boundaries are crossed, and family members don’t know anymore where their emotions and any abusers emotions start.
And then, one day the abuser realizes that actually, these emotions come in pretty handy. Maybe he realizes that his toddler won’t clean up toys. No matter what he tries. But then one day he loses it. He regrets it after, but he really loses it! And the toddler looks at him with fear in his eyes. The fear of a rabbit cornered by a cougar. The fear of a prey before the predator. The fear of being out of control. Something deep in their fight or flight response is triggered. And it’s very young child staff to attention and does exactly what the father says. And the abuser realizes that this is quite useful, this anger.
And so the anger is tucked into the back of his mind as a useful tool. It comes out when things really get out of control. Then, it comes out a little more often.
Then, as the family members get trained, the abuser can just hint at the possibility of bringing out the anger. Pretty soon, he doesn’t even have to say, “you better watch it, or dad will get angry.“Everyone is watching it. Everyone is tiptoeing around him. And you know what? That feels pretty nice.
That feels like being a king in his own little castle.
Except what happens when the kids grow up, and want to start having feelings and opinions of their own? That is when the real conflict begins…
Because maybe the child has an opinion other than their fathers. Maybe it’s even a conflict that cannot be avoided.
Other parents have had to develop other tools in their toolbox. Reasoning with the child. Trying consequences. Changing the scenarios.
But the angry parent just fixes things with rage. His only tool is a sludge hammer.
And so some of the teens have conflict after conflict, which become louder and louder, until they leave home in a huff. Maybe they become profigalss, and reject everything their parents believed. Ironically, these kids have it easy. Because they are able to make a clean break. In adulthood, eventually, the father often finds that he can respect him as adults. They stood up to him, and he realizes he doesn’t have power over them.
Much harder on the kids and always learn to tiptoe around their father. And just got better and better at it. Until they tiptoed right out of the house. But then one day, there was a conflict that even they could not tiptoe around. What then?
What now...?


The other day I came to work, and Kim was already working. I saw him drive past with a loader, going very fast. I took note of that. When I sat down to get things ready, I saw that he had not filled out normal paperwork. I noticed that too. And so I got ready faster. When I came down, he had already pulled out the truck, which was my job to do. He had probably not done the correct paperwork before moving it. I knew at that point, “alert… Something is up!“
When I finally found him, I found that we had a load to do, and he was in a rush. As I had gathered.
What is made me think of was the “double take.“ In my previous reading, I learned that children of narcissists have something called hyper attunement. This can also lead to Stockholm syndrome.
When you are forced to live with somebody who has radical mood swings, a child – or even adults – learns to be hyper attuned to the emotional state of their abuser. One day, all is normal. Perhaps, things are usually pretty good. But that one day, things are different. One day, in the place of a smiling and reasonable father is an angry ogre, who could literally send them fling against the wall for the smallest infractions. The child learns to read the most subtle signs. How heavy the feet hit the floor. The lack of a friendly greeting when he enters the room. Refusing to make eye contact. Body posture. Jaw tension. Eyebrows.
All of these things say, “I am in a bad mood! Watch out!”
And so the child does learn to watch out. This is not the time to ask dad for a cookie, as him to come ride bike, or to bring up a bad report card. Any of these annoyances on a bad day could read dire consequences. Best to stay out of his way, and lay low.
Wait for the good times. In the good times, you can tell all is well. The body posture says it, the smile says it, the movement and words say it. This is the time to ask for favors. Sometimes, the abuser is overcompensating, or they are in a exuberantly. From my experience, narcissists seem to have extreme mood swings. So when things are good, they are very good. This is the time when you could ask mom or dad for anything, and they will get it.
As I say this, I realize this is what I believed “appealing to authority,” meant (1 Tim. 5:1). I think there is a biblical principle about appealing to authority, rather than challenging it. Yes, the verse says, “do not rebuke an older man, but appeal to him as a father.” When I realize I interpreted that as meaning is, “wait until he is in a good mood, then ask whatever you want.”
I realize I did that with my father-in-law when I was asking to date his daughter. He protested later that I had manipulated him in someway. Which was unfair -- because if you don’t mean something, why do you say it? It is not like he was drunk or something.
But a narcissist goes up and down, and it is like you were dealing with two different people.
Hence the hyper attunement. A child learns to read it. Given enough time, and the right emotional disposition, they can read it extremely well. They can read it by just seeing how fast dad drove into the driveway, or hearing a tool clatter from across the yard. Perhaps sometimes they over read. And sometimes dad corrects him. “Look, I’m not mad…“ Oops. My mistake. (The shame shifting onto the victim) I guess this time, you were just walking abruptly because you felt like it. All fine and well.
But it is not as though the abuser is unaware of his power. Sometimes, he explicitly says it. Jordan Peterson said in the lecture, “sometimes, I was not pleasant to be around. And that is OK. Sometimes I told my children, “look kids, dad is not in a good mood. I think you had better go and play in a different room for a little while.“ He said that as though it was normal.
I agree with a lot of things Peterson says, but I did not like that he said this. I did not like it because it reminded me of things my dad would say -- usually, it was not said this explicitly. Just the raising of an eyebrow, or a flick of the hand spoke louder than a yell. “Get out of my space, now! I am angry… Not at you… But if you stay here, I will be angry at you, and it will be your fault!“
That last bit is key. “It is your fault.“ Sometimes, this was explicitly said. “Look, I am sorry I yelled at you. But such and such happen, and I was in a bad mood. You just need to play outside for a little bit, OK?“ So… In other words… The child should have known. They should have known that dad was in a bad mood. That is why they got yelled at, when all they wanted was I candy or something totally reasonable. They should have known, but they didn't read the signs. Shame on them. Dad wasn't responsible for his actions (naturally). It's the child's fault.
I realize that I was both disciplined and shamed for not being highly attuned. When I did not read the emotions correctly, they were consequences. And those consequences were my fault. My fault, because dad could not control his emotions. And so those around him needed to watch out, read his emotions, and adjust accordingly. When appropriate, we just needed to get out of the way. And if we did not get out of the way… Well, anything that happened was our fault. Literally, our fault. And since what he did was shameful, that shame fell on us. “How could you make me do that? Didn’t you realize I was in a bad mood? Don’t you realize how hard I work all day, and then I come home to this…” 
Maybe this is why I asked my wife so often, when she is upset, “is it my fault? Are you mad at me?” If it is not my fault, I feel like we can work on it. But I cannot stand her being upset -- hurt or angry – if I am the cause. It really bothers me!
Hyper attunement, I realize, is a skill which can serve me. I loved the Netflix show, “lie to me,” because it’s all the secrets of reading body language. I understood it very well. Somewhere in the show, it was mentioned that all of the experts a body language were victims of abuse at one time or another. And so, in a way, there is a bright side. The abuse I suffered enables me to: one) detect, fairly accurately, when people are lying or disingenuous, two) understand what is really going on in peoples hearts, when they are talking, which can be helpful in counselling them, three) become more aware of my own emotions, as I read my own body language and realize what my body is saying as I am thinking various things.
But there is a cost as well. There is a cost because energy and resources are being directed in this way. Boundaries are a struggle. It is hard to know where another person‘s emotions end and mine start. Imagine living in a world where everybody shouts out there emotions all the time: that is where I live. “I am angry, how are you?“ “You disgust me, how was your day?” “I am sad about something, can I get you some coffee with your supper?“
It can be distracting to the relationships that are important and right in front of me to hear/see everyone's emotions all around me.
But it can also be downright toxic, when my hyper attunement is hardwired into my abusers emotions. This is where I could get a text… Or not to get a tax, when I knew instinctively I was due for one… and I would just know, from across the country with my father was feeling. I could feel the intensity slowly rising. I knew what I needed to do to bring the pressure down.
As I discussed in the blog post, “what did we do to make us leave you?“ It is the past abuse, things from 20 years ago or more, which still have tremendous power over me. The question is, how do I detach from these?
Thinking on the fly, I think the answer is:
One) telling myself, and believing, that is people are no longer a threat. They can no longer hurt me. This is the main thing. The components of this are:
Two) they have nothing on me. They have no legal, religious, social, contractual, familial, or any other sort of down to force me to do their bidding, or be close to them.
Until I can be very certain of this, number one will not be true.
 
At this point, it seems like the primary threat to number two, and hence to number one,… And hence to my overall emotional health… Is well-meaning people that are trying to push me into reconciliation when I am not yet done my processing. I need to just kindly push those people out of my processing…

**update**
While out driving today, I was thinking about this post, and thinking how… It is just really so wrong to expect someone to do this for you! It is wrong, wrong, wrong to ever lash out in anger and violent rage. Sure, everyone gets angry sometimes. But there are people – some of us were raised with them – who have integrated rage into who they are. “Yeah, he has a bit of a temper…“ everyone knows it about the person, and they themselves know it. Maybe they tell you, “you better watch it, or things will get ugly.“ And then… You grow up… And you are still "watching it"! Watching them! You are watching it all the time! You are controlled by it.
Again… Again… Deal with your own shit! Control your own emotions! Don’t ask the world to “watch it.“ You watch it! And if you are not capable of controlling your emotions, well, go get some help!
It is wrong to lose control, it is really wrong to for someone else to be in a heightened state of awareness and control, so that they can tiptoe around you.
And what happens when rage takes control… That really happened. That's on you. It's not on me. It’s not just, “oh, I got angry… Things happen. ...you should have been paying attention...“
I get it. We all need grace every once in a while. You get terrible news, have a bad day of work, then you stub your toe and you yell out something you regret. We all need grace now and then. And in those times, it really isn’t you. It’s just a combination of circumstances. But, here’s the thing – with a healthy person loses it, people notice. It stands out. “That’s not normal. “Often, the healthy person gets down on one knee and says, “mommy is sorry that she yelled at you. You didn’t do anything wrong. Do you understand that? I’m sorry that I yelled at you. Here, let me give you a hug while you cry.” That is the normal way to deal with an angry outburst.
But an unhealthy person is always simmering. Perhaps there is bitterness tucked inside. Or there is the pain. Or whatever the hell it is – why should I care? For some reason, day-to-day life is just too much. And so the person learns to deal with it. They start warning people around them. “You better not do that, because daddy might get angry…“ Or, “look, daddy is sorry that he yelled. But you were just so loud! You need to be more careful in the future… Daddy has a lot on his mind after such a hard day of work.“ (Even that is language which is too soft for what was typical of my dad…) The angry person trains the family to tiptoe around them. Boundaries are crossed, and family members don’t know anymore where their emotions and any abusers emotions start.
And then, one day the abuser realizes that actually, these emotions come in pretty handy. Maybe he realizes that his toddler won’t clean up toys. No matter what he tries. But then one day he loses it. He regrets it after, but he really loses it! And the toddler looks at him with fear in his eyes. The fear of a rabbit cornered by a cougar. The fear of a prey before the predator. The fear of being out of control. Something deep in their fight or flight response is triggered. And it’s very young child staff to attention and does exactly what the father says. And the abuser realizes that this is quite useful, this anger.
And so the anger is tucked into the back of his mind as a useful tool. It comes out when things really get out of control. Then, it comes out a little more often.
Then, as the family members get trained, the abuser can just hint at the possibility of bringing out the anger. Pretty soon, he doesn’t even have to say, “you better watch it, or dad will get angry.“Everyone is watching it. Everyone is tiptoeing around him. And you know what? That feels pretty nice.
That feels like being a king in his own little castle.
Except what happens when the kids grow up, and want to start having feelings and opinions of their own? That is when the real conflict begins…
Because maybe the child has an opinion other than their fathers. Maybe it’s even a conflict that cannot be avoided.
Other parents have had to develop other tools in their toolbox. Reasoning with the child. Trying consequences. Changing the scenarios.
But the angry parent just fixes things with rage. His only tool is a sludge hammer.
And so some of the teens have conflict after conflict, which become louder and louder, until they leave home in a huff. Maybe they become profigalss, and reject everything their parents believed. Ironically, these kids have it easy. Because they are able to make a clean break. In adulthood, eventually, the father often finds that he can respect him as adults. They stood up to him, and he realizes he doesn’t have power over them.
Much harder on the kids and always learn to tiptoe around their father. And just got better and better at it. Until they tiptoed right out of the house. But then one day, there was a conflict that even they could not tiptoe around. What then?
What now...?


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