It...was not Him...

While working today, I thought of shame. It is a topic that has become somewhat of an obsession of mine: realizing that I have been controlled and defined by shame for so long has really unlocked so much freedom for myself. 

But today I thought, “In my journey…have I been projecting shame upwards to God?”

The rules of shame (in a dysfunctional situation) are something like this:

• If I sin, it’s your fault
• If you do something that hurts me, it’s a sin, and its your fault
• If I make a mistake, but you were involved, it’s your fault
• If you deliver bad news…prepare to get punished for it, because it’s your fault

I have found so much clarity of mind by sticking resolutely to my statement of, “it was not me,” or “I did nothing wrong.” When working with Joe, the narcissist boss at work, this is a statement I sometimes have to make often.

But again…have I been projecting shame onto God?

We have been going through some very difficult things. And I have been giving myself permission to be mad at just about anybody that I saw fit. Be mad, get it out, speak truth, forgive, move on. But has God ever wronged me?

My earthly father and mother are overt and covert narcissists, respectively. But my Heavenly father is kind, merciful, patient, self-controlled, and wants only my good. 

• But when I sin and feel the consequences, have I been blaming God?
• When I go through something hard (aka, my wife is ill), do I see this as God wronging me in some way?
• When I feel the consequences of my own actions, have I been blaming God?
• When I hear bad news, do I immediately think it is God who is to blame?

I think what is the hardest has been that we have been in ministry. So many of our hurts are from our time there. Ministry, missions…there is a real dark side. A real painful side. 

Any my parents. Oh…my parents. 

Superficially, at least, their reputation is, “those wonderful Christian people,” who are, “doing so much good for the world and for their religion.” Makes me want to gag. Behind closed doors, they have caused so much pain and (I strongly suspect/believe) handicapped so many of the very people they were “helping,” by drawing them into codependencies, rather than helping them truly become strong on their own.

…and they put so much pressure on us. Religious pressure. The need to perform, compete, be better than others. We really felt that, and it drove us. My older brother despised the hollowness of it, the faking it, and it drove him away. But I excelled in it, and it (for a while) made me that much more passionate about my faith. Thank God He saved me from that destructive path.

And yet the tendencies remain, and I think those pressures — the pressures my parents subtly put on me — were probably what drove me to work so hard in missions, ultimately burning out. And their unspoken (or spoken) expectations were what I felt like supporters were whispering, which is what made support oh so difficult to support. I realize now that I often saw supporters through the worst possible lens: through the lens of my parents. 

…and all of this experience (really, it has been a very difficult seven years as a missionary) I have a hard time disassociating from God. Really, how can I not? I went out to serve God. And I did…and yes, I did serve Him. Yes, I did do good in my time. But also, there was pressure, and dysfunctional expectations, and voices that followed me in my head right up until a few months ago. And I am still trying to get them out.

…and all of this is not God. It is not. 

Like the Pharisees of Jesus’ day, my parents, and the other narcissists who have harmed me have set up shop in the “Temple.” But they are not the temple. The temple (a meeting place between God and men) is bigger than any one person. It is a sacred space: a place to meet with God.

[That place is no longer really a “place.” “Wherever two or three are gathered, I am there in their midst,” Jesus said. And “church” just means “assembly.” Any group of believers can be the church. But there is something special about coming together in a building, and calling it a church.]

The fact that God was present when my parents hurt me, that they used His name, that they used His book, that they invoked His authority, and that they claimed to speak for God does not mean that it was God who was harming me. But…as I write those words…no wonder I am struggling here. After how I was raised, no wonder I sometimes struggle with feeling like my parents and God are one.

But they are not. And the shame of their sins does not attach to God.

My Heavenly Father is better. He is not a narcissist. 

And I will take measures to protect my soul. 

My parents have stolen so much from me. Years. Education. Opportunities squandered. Pain. Heartache. 

But they will not have my faith. That, that I am keeping.

I will take measures to protect my soul. These are:

1. I will not blame God for things He did not do, even if His name was invoked, His book, a church, or other holy things were involved. I will distinguish between the holy and the profane.
2. I will stop swearing. I’ve been letting myself slip in this area (in part due to work, in part because I really don’t see a big difference between “crap” and “shit” or “screwed up” and “f—‘d up”). Although I am not sure it is a big deal, it speaks to others about what I consider holy and important.
3. When I sense bitterness in my heart towards God, I will address it. I will forgive God if need be (that is a thing), I will distinguish and assign appropriate blame if it is a person impersonating God. I will not cut myself off from my source of life.
4. I will not blame the church at large for the actions of a few. While I do think that there are some things which need to be pointed out — to myself, and this limited audience, at least — about missions and the church, I want to stress that I am not anti-church. I am not running off to the hills to go start a “church of one.” I am in this for the long haul, and I’m staying in church for my journey: physically, emotionally and spiritually, I am a church-going Chrisitan.
5. I will listen to worship music, pray often, and keep my internal spaces filled with light
6. I will progressively limit the amount of time that I spend thinking about my parents: they must become less, and Jesus must become greater 
7. I will speak often to my wife and my children about my faith, and make it central in our family worship, and in the problems that we face
8. I will consciously decide to come first, and forcefully to God in prayer when I hit an obstacle or difficulty. He hears me. I know that He does. He has brought us this far. He will take us through.

I will praise His name. Though He slay me, I will praise Him. (Job 13:15)

For He has been so, so good to me.