Throwing Apples

Today while working, I made a genuine mistake. I had left the pump running, and the key in the fuel tank outside. anyone could have come in stolen hundreds of dollars worth of fuel. So that was a genuine mistake. Joe told me about it, and I instantly smacked my forehead, and said, “oh no! Sorry about that!” He basically just shrugged and said, “make sure you don’t do that again,“ and kept walking. Considering how hard he was on me for having a 2nd cup of coffee in the day, or letting the garbage pile up, or whatever else… It was really surprising that he just let this slide. There are two possibilities. It is possible that upper management has been talking to him (see below) and he is trying to be nicer to me. However, it seems that I have noticed this before. When I genuinely do something wrong – and I am not saying I’m perfect! – He doesn’t really bug me about it. However, when I don’t do anything wrong but he happens to be in a bad mood , he finds a way to pic...

Today when I came home from work -- it was a very bad day, with far too much of my narcissistic boss in it -- I was transitioning to "normal life," and chatting with my wife. She brought something up. I forget what it was, but let's say it was sugar spilled on the floor. As it happened, it was myself who had spilled it. But the memory was complicated, and happened a few days ago. There had been kids involved, and a flurry of activity. It was not completely clear who had done what, but sugar had been spilled, and somebody had to clean it up. ...in that instant, when she light-heartedly mentioned something in the past, my gut reaction was to say something like, "Well, I guess you can just be more careful next time you pour the sugar." It was a strange moment. Of course, I did not say it. I knew very clearly that it was myself who had spilled the sugar. Or maybe it was one of the kids. It wasn't clear. But it certainly wasn't my wife's fault. ...

I have been asking my wife to filter my e-mails, but we can't seem to get our system perfect. Today, I saw an e-mail from my dad. The title said something about mom being sick, and that we aught to do something to help.  That she is "sick" is no surprise to me whatsoever. Back in November, one of the first conversations I had with a counsellor was, "If I pull away from my parents, I think my mom will get very sick."  "Will she really get sick, though?" The counsellor probed. I realized that she was right. She would not really get sick. But she would pretend. It would be a powerful strategy to reel me back in. That night, I had a dream about killing a witch , who was feigning illness to control me. I feel like I am not worried about my mom: she is just fine, but has been telling everyone she has been sick literally my entire life. It is a control tactic.  But the e-mail still affected me. I felt like dad was "calling me to he...

Today at work, Royce pulled me aside to say that the big bosses (higher up than Joe) had been in town, and had really noticed how Joe speaks down to me. They had confronted him about it, and it was being discussed as a "big deal" behind closed doors. I was really glad to hear it. Honestly, I had thought seriously about quitting, and already have my resume out to several other employers, based on his treatment.  "If he speaks to you that way in public, I can't imagine what he says behind closed doors!"  "What do you mean?" "Well, last night," Royce related.  It was the end of a rather long day of working hard, doing my best, and being endlessly criticized for everything. As I dragged myself up the stairs to change and go home, Joe came up behind me and loudly said something like,  "Holy f---! What a mess! Do you let your bathroom at home get this messy?!" In the bathroom, the paper-towels were stacked up high ...

The most emotionally healthy people in your life may be saying things like, “I am stressed," "that really bugs me," "I am sad," "I feel overwhelmed right now.” This might sound like they are falling to pieces. But what it may actually signify is that they are in touch with their emotions , and capable of using a full vocabulary of emotional words to express them, and live life in high definition, experiencing the full spectrum of human emotion. It is the people who always say, “I am fine,” or “I’m not mad,” or “I’m not depressed,” ...when clearly they are...that may truly be in a dangerous place. 

April 16 thoughts A few days ago, I made the mistake (oh horror) of asking when I would be working next week, and whether or not we had any major projects that week. He reacted by shutting me down, and seemed personally offended for the rest of the day. Later, I heard Royce complain that he had received the same treatment, even though Royce has been working at this plant longer than Joe, and arguably knows more about our major customer.  As I continued to work with my narcissistic boss, I thought about the fact that he does not really want coworkers: he wants minions. He would like us to be: Incapable of original thought Bumbling: often making stupid mistakes Able to be abused/yelled at without injury  Unshakably loyal Able to carry out wishes of master Making master seem smart, in control by comparison (even though he really is not) This is what a narcissist wants. It is what my dad always wanted. But it is not what Jesus wants. "I no longer call you se...

I still have moments where I feel sad about what I am doing to my relationship to my parents. To them . It is mean, in a way. At least, it will cause pain. Is it justified? They did not do their best, but they could have done worse. There were good moments (although only when it served them) . As I thought about this, the words came to my mind, "He has not treated us as our actions deserve." That is a description of God's mercy. Am I being merciful towards my parents? No, I am being just.  Is this wrong? But God's mercy is for those who repent, not for those who continue in their sinful actions. For those who continue in sin, for conflicts between people, the guide is, "Eye for eye, tooth for tooth." My reaction is not an overreaction. It is a just reaction: it is what their actions deserve. "You have heard it said, 'eye for eye, and tooth for tooth. But I say to you, do not resist an evil person, but whoever strikes you...