Analyzing the Letter from my Mom
The following is my analysis of the e-mail that I received from my mom, after I asked for space.
Ishmael, it is morally and biblically wrong and even illegal what you are doing (“In no case may the father or mother, without a grave reason, interfere with personal relations between the child and his grandparents.” - _____ law. )
We’re not living in ______ anymore. These are laws for deciding custody battles. Since my marriage is strong, and my kids have never spent so much as a night alone with you, there is zero chance of winning a custody battle...but I won’t forget that you threatened legal action against me...how long did you spend researching laws in various countries, before you wrote this e-mail? You seem very dedicated to the task of winning some sort of court case against me. This is information that I will remember.
In Psalms and in Deuteronomy, we are commanded by God to teach our children and their children after them.
False. There are no such verses. I checked.
If you believe us guilty of some heinous crime and can offer proof that your children would be unsafe with us, then we have a right to know what we are being accused of.
False. I can say no to you coming into my space without giving an explanation. I have not deprived you of something because my family/home is MY space, not yours. You have no moral, legal, or religious right to demand entry. Also, I have not accused you of any crime...is there one I should be aware of...? 🧐
I have tried to hang onto some semblance of hope throughout these past months. And it is certainly my love for you that has caused me to "always protect, always trust, always hope, and always persevere." (I Corinthians 13)
So you are declaring yourself to be loving, because you were “holding onto hope” ...and you want points for that?
I have been gradually becoming aware in the past year or so that my love is not reciprocated.
aka, “Your requesting space = a lack of love = sinful behaviour” Untrue. My emotions are outside of your knowledge, and inside of my own. Only I know whether I am being loving. It is not reasonable to demand love: love us freely given or not given at all
And my mind often reels off to various possible scenarios to explain in some way how this could have happened. Something (or many things) I did in your childhood? But when I asked you (as I asked your brothers) if there was anything in your childhood that I had done or that we needed to talk about, you said (in what I perceived to be a peaceful and even cheerful voice) that "anything you did right, I am grateful for, and anything you did wrong, I have forgiven." Is this blanket statement no longer true?
Gaslighting: this wasn’t a conversation, but a Facebook comment. There was no “cheerful voice" It is true that I forgive you. But that does not mean that I trust you, nor does it mean that I am obligated to give you access to myself and my private circle.
Again, we do have a right to know of what we are being accused.
Gaslighting: I did not accuse you of anything. I simply asked for space. It was yourself who asked rhetorically (above) if you had done “some heinous crime.” People need space all the time. How do you know I don’t just want space for personal reasons of some sort? I have not accused you of anything. I don’t need to give an explanation for why you are not welcome in my space. That's why it's called "my" space!
I imagine many things (since I have NO information whatsoever!). [Blaming me for her thoughts/anxious mind. Her mind is reeling because I have not given her information...but I am not obligated to do so, and if she’s obsessing, that’s on her] I think maybe you are following the pattern we set of not letting my mom babysit you kids when you were young [there certainly is a generational pattern of distrusting grandparents — probably because your mother had exactly the same issues that you have] - but she ordered your younger brother to stay at the table and eat his vomit when he threw up his food. [untrue. I was there. She made him eat peas until he threw up. Don’t exaggerate!] Your older brother was only 5 but he ran all the way to our house to get us. [Untrue. When he threw up, Dad took him away. I remember because he was secretly laughing that grandma got what she deserved and had to clean it up. He was much older than five.]
Perhaps you feel it is okay for family not to see each other because we are not communicating with dad's brother. [Really? That is interesting..] [note: you have seen fit to give me the silent treatment for months on end to punish me. But when I ask for space...that’s wrong...?] But it is he who does not want to talk to us. We used to always go to visit them when we were in his town, and I would try to ignore the feeling that we were unwelcome. [Blaming/shaming him] Finally dad realized that all of the phone calls, letters, emails, etc. were one-sided. There was just nothing there. [Was this after the blowup where you ruined our family reunion? Likely...you showed your true colours to the family that day...] And your uncle went through a lot when he went to prison so I can accept that he has difficulty with personal relationships. [Wow, that’s low. Infantilizing him, making him unable to regulate his emotions. That happened when he was in his early twenties! He's been a pastor for years, and raised healthy kids. They are far healthier than you are!] I saw them in the grocery store once and babbled on like a fool while they smiled but remained monosyllabic. That finally convinced me that they were not interested in a relationship with their sister-in-law. [I don’t get how “babbling on like a fool” (here and elsewhere) is seen by you as being virtuous: and awkward responses are somehow criminal. When someone...babbles...like a fool...they are talking nonsense and making a fool of themselves (that’s just the definition of those words). Of course he felt awkward, and answered monosyllabically. And that was his great crime...?] Of course through all this, dad and I examined ourselves for any wrong we had done or were doing. [Apparently you decided you were 100% innocent in regards. Did you think to ask him what he thought? Or did you think you were a better judge than he as you whether you had offended him in some way?] Fortunately, we have many friends and family members with whom we do enjoy good healthy relations. [What does this mean? Do these relationships prove that anyone who cuts of contact — a LOT of people cut off contact with you — are unhealthy? That the fault is with them? Right — it must be, since, “We examined ourselves”... 🙄]
It took us a long while to tell our closest friends and family that you were distancing yourself (and your family) from us. [Oh! Sneaky! So you are 1) telling me that you have gossiped about my behaviour to friends and family, but 2) you waited a while to to so. So I guess that makes it all right?] Love is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs and always protects, hopes, trusts and perseveres. [No, better than alright — you are complementing yourself for being loving for gossiping about me? Because you waited a bit, now it’s virtuous? Loving even?! 😳 Wow...]
I cannot stop loving you and your family. I will not harden my heart toward you. [I don’t know what you mean by these words. This email so far is pretty heartless. For example, you have not once asked, “Ishmael, how do you feel? Are you OK? I’m sorry if my words or actions have ever upset you. I am willing to sacrifice my comforts to make sure that you are OK...” That would demonstrate love, and a tender heart. But all I have heard from you so far is a declaration of war (including threatened legal action, attempts at guilt and spiritual blackmail, and admissions of gossiping and social pressure) because your supposed rights have been violated. Love is known by its fruits: and I’m not sure when I can ever remember feeling true love from you...]
I wonder what we will do if we meet in a grocery store. Will you grab your children and run away from us, leaving an indelible memory for them to ponder in their life's journey? [Probably] Or will you explain who the horrible monsters are that you are running from? [Gaslighting: I have never called you a monster. I’ve already talked to them about why we are cutting off contact at this time. I did not call you monsters. But I did sensitively talk about your temper, and other issues that give us serious pause at this time]
And how long is this to last? You say "for this time." But aberrant behaviours have a way of becoming habits. [How is it an “aberrant behaviour” to request space? First it was illegal, unspiritual, and unethical...now it is “aberrant”..? We said we wanted space. Sheesh. “How long will it last”? Until I can see that you know how to respect my boundaries. Spoiler alert: writing emails like this is not helping your case...]
And still you have given us absolutely no clue at all as to the reason for you denying us access to our grandchildren. [I don’t have to explain to you why I’m not giving you access to my children.]
I think perhaps you have difficulty talking about difficult subjects. [She’s going so low here. Trying to infantilized me through childhood memories] I remember your fingers in the ears response to me trying to explain why your adoptive sister was no longer with us. I should have just told you that she left to go back home to your aunt. I (wrongly) thought you were old enough for me to share some of the heartache and pain I had gone through [I was 22 at the time. Age wasn’t the issue] I should not have unloaded on you but it was all very fresh in my heart and mind at that moment. [I have no memory of this conversation. Either you are making it up, or I cut you off and forgot about it. What I DO remember is seeing my adoptive sister submitted to years and years of verbal and emotional abuse. I remember getting up the courage to talk to you about it, and you ignoring me. You had the "fingers in the ears" response, not I! I remember taking to dad about it. I remember being relieved when she finally left. You made her hurt so bad. And now you want brownie points for being sad that she left? Bull. You hated her as a female rival in your home and drove her to flee. You were happy she left. You cannot shame me with your sins]
You've had a lot of training and counselling so I really would have thought you could talk about relationships at this point in your life. [So low. Trying to invalidate my counselling experiences, and also implying that if I don’t capitulate to her demands, I am being unhealthy] I do not understand why avoidance is your "go-to" at this point. [I asked for space. The reason I need space is because I am dealing with finding help for all that you put me through as a child, and as an adult, including this email. I’m avoiding you, but I am definitely not avoiding my issues. There is no law that says a victim needs to have a relationship with their abuser — even if they are related] Again, I wonder where we went wrong, what we did to cause this in your life. [You did not cause this. You are not in control of my actions. You demonstrated in a thousand small and very large ways that you are unsafe. And for that reason, I requested space from you] Obviously you feel there is nothing at all we could possibly do to help. [Not really. Hence the request for space] Although again, according to the Bible, and common, worldwide, down through history, thinking, it is still a part of our job description. [Actually, there’s no verse, law, or social more to that effect. Nobody talks about a “grandparent job description” but yourselves. You made that one up. And apparently, the only thing in that “job description” is a list of rights that you think you have over myself and my children. I believe that grandparents have a “right to earn trust.” If you earned that trust, I would have given you continued access to my children. But you betrayed that trust, and I have a moral, legal, religious and social obligation to protect my children from people I perceive to be unsafe] The leave and cleave command does not preclude respect (which would imply contact and seeking of advice). [No it doesn’t. I have never heard anyone get that from that verse. I respect the position of our prime minister -- that doesn't mean I need to contact him or ask his advice. Respect and honour are two different things.]
It's 4:30 AM. I woke with a dream. One of my sons was lying in a semi-conscious state. I said to him, "You know your dad and I love you." He said, "I wouldn't be like this if you did." Then the dream shifted and the whole house was on fire. The children didn't seem to notice and ignored my cries of "fire! fire!" As the house burned, I kept yelling "fire" and "get out of the house" "you have to leave" "the house is on fire". I finally woke up but couldn't get back to sleep. [Wow! This dream is the only part of this email that makes sense! So one of your sons is lying in a semiconscious state. Why? Because (despite what you say) you have not loved him well enough. Maybe you keep telling him it’s love, when really it’s all about you and your needs? 🧐What does he have to do? He has to leave the house, which is on fire. But he cannot, because your lack of love has made him a prisoner of your burning house. Wow. So I notice it wasn’t myself in that bed (otherwise you would have told me). It was my younger brother, wasn’t it? (The one that I saw in a dream with testicular cancer) Well, guess what? I have found people who love me. And so I am not lying semiconscious, and I am leaving the house. If you loved me, you would be happy for me. But then, if you really loved me, perhaps the house wouldn’t be on fire in the first place...]
But there, maybe I've done it again. Sharing too much. You are wishing for distance and I am still trying to draw you close. [Yes, I was asking for distance. And yes, you are violating my boundaries. This proves that you do not respect me or my boundaries.] Fool that I am. [So here again we have this “babbling like a fool” business. This is what you did to my uncle, and when he didn’t respond, you wrote him off. Am I supposed to fear also being written off? Should I thank you for your “honesty and vulnerability”? Should I tell you, “oh no — you weren’t babbling like a fool. That was really quite eloquent...” ...because I won’t do any of those things. This seems like a thought-loop, where you are starting to argue with yourself. Am I even needed for this conversation? 🤷♂️ You don’t seem to have a very healthy mental state...🤔 At any rate, I agree with the end of this email: you did over share (thanks for the info on my dad's brother — I respect him a lot more now...) you did violate my boundaries, you did babble like a fool (objectively speaking...this is not fine literature you have sent me here...for a writer, one would think you could go better.) I will not forget that you threatened — however obliquely — to take me to court for custody of my children. I will never, ever speak with you in the same way after this, with that possibility on the table. And I loved the dream. Thanks for that! The house is on fire. Some family members are incapacitated by your lack of love. I now know that I am not responsible for your emotions. You can no longer control me through shame. I am not your prisoner, as I once was. I’m outta there. See ya!]
Ishmael, it is morally and biblically wrong and even illegal what you are doing (“In no case may the father or mother, without a grave reason, interfere with personal relations between the child and his grandparents.” - _____ law. )
In Psalms and in Deuteronomy, we are commanded by God to teach our children and their children after them.
False. There are no such verses. I checked.
If you believe us guilty of some heinous crime and can offer proof that your children would be unsafe with us, then we have a right to know what we are being accused of.
False. I can say no to you coming into my space without giving an explanation. I have not deprived you of something because my family/home is MY space, not yours. You have no moral, legal, or religious right to demand entry. Also, I have not accused you of any crime...is there one I should be aware of...? 🧐
I have tried to hang onto some semblance of hope throughout these past months. And it is certainly my love for you that has caused me to "always protect, always trust, always hope, and always persevere." (I Corinthians 13)
So you are declaring yourself to be loving, because you were “holding onto hope” ...and you want points for that?
I have been gradually becoming aware in the past year or so that my love is not reciprocated.
aka, “Your requesting space = a lack of love = sinful behaviour” Untrue. My emotions are outside of your knowledge, and inside of my own. Only I know whether I am being loving. It is not reasonable to demand love: love us freely given or not given at all
And my mind often reels off to various possible scenarios to explain in some way how this could have happened. Something (or many things) I did in your childhood? But when I asked you (as I asked your brothers) if there was anything in your childhood that I had done or that we needed to talk about, you said (in what I perceived to be a peaceful and even cheerful voice) that "anything you did right, I am grateful for, and anything you did wrong, I have forgiven." Is this blanket statement no longer true?
Gaslighting: this wasn’t a conversation, but a Facebook comment. There was no “cheerful voice" It is true that I forgive you. But that does not mean that I trust you, nor does it mean that I am obligated to give you access to myself and my private circle.
Again, we do have a right to know of what we are being accused.
Gaslighting: I did not accuse you of anything. I simply asked for space. It was yourself who asked rhetorically (above) if you had done “some heinous crime.” People need space all the time. How do you know I don’t just want space for personal reasons of some sort? I have not accused you of anything. I don’t need to give an explanation for why you are not welcome in my space. That's why it's called "my" space!
I imagine many things (since I have NO information whatsoever!). [Blaming me for her thoughts/anxious mind. Her mind is reeling because I have not given her information...but I am not obligated to do so, and if she’s obsessing, that’s on her] I think maybe you are following the pattern we set of not letting my mom babysit you kids when you were young [there certainly is a generational pattern of distrusting grandparents — probably because your mother had exactly the same issues that you have] - but she ordered your younger brother to stay at the table and eat his vomit when he threw up his food. [untrue. I was there. She made him eat peas until he threw up. Don’t exaggerate!] Your older brother was only 5 but he ran all the way to our house to get us. [Untrue. When he threw up, Dad took him away. I remember because he was secretly laughing that grandma got what she deserved and had to clean it up. He was much older than five.]
Perhaps you feel it is okay for family not to see each other because we are not communicating with dad's brother. [Really? That is interesting..] [note: you have seen fit to give me the silent treatment for months on end to punish me. But when I ask for space...that’s wrong...?] But it is he who does not want to talk to us. We used to always go to visit them when we were in his town, and I would try to ignore the feeling that we were unwelcome. [Blaming/shaming him] Finally dad realized that all of the phone calls, letters, emails, etc. were one-sided. There was just nothing there. [Was this after the blowup where you ruined our family reunion? Likely...you showed your true colours to the family that day...] And your uncle went through a lot when he went to prison so I can accept that he has difficulty with personal relationships. [Wow, that’s low. Infantilizing him, making him unable to regulate his emotions. That happened when he was in his early twenties! He's been a pastor for years, and raised healthy kids. They are far healthier than you are!] I saw them in the grocery store once and babbled on like a fool while they smiled but remained monosyllabic. That finally convinced me that they were not interested in a relationship with their sister-in-law. [I don’t get how “babbling on like a fool” (here and elsewhere) is seen by you as being virtuous: and awkward responses are somehow criminal. When someone...babbles...like a fool...they are talking nonsense and making a fool of themselves (that’s just the definition of those words). Of course he felt awkward, and answered monosyllabically. And that was his great crime...?] Of course through all this, dad and I examined ourselves for any wrong we had done or were doing. [Apparently you decided you were 100% innocent in regards. Did you think to ask him what he thought? Or did you think you were a better judge than he as you whether you had offended him in some way?] Fortunately, we have many friends and family members with whom we do enjoy good healthy relations. [What does this mean? Do these relationships prove that anyone who cuts of contact — a LOT of people cut off contact with you — are unhealthy? That the fault is with them? Right — it must be, since, “We examined ourselves”... 🙄]
It took us a long while to tell our closest friends and family that you were distancing yourself (and your family) from us. [Oh! Sneaky! So you are 1) telling me that you have gossiped about my behaviour to friends and family, but 2) you waited a while to to so. So I guess that makes it all right?] Love is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs and always protects, hopes, trusts and perseveres. [No, better than alright — you are complementing yourself for being loving for gossiping about me? Because you waited a bit, now it’s virtuous? Loving even?! 😳 Wow...]
I cannot stop loving you and your family. I will not harden my heart toward you. [I don’t know what you mean by these words. This email so far is pretty heartless. For example, you have not once asked, “Ishmael, how do you feel? Are you OK? I’m sorry if my words or actions have ever upset you. I am willing to sacrifice my comforts to make sure that you are OK...” That would demonstrate love, and a tender heart. But all I have heard from you so far is a declaration of war (including threatened legal action, attempts at guilt and spiritual blackmail, and admissions of gossiping and social pressure) because your supposed rights have been violated. Love is known by its fruits: and I’m not sure when I can ever remember feeling true love from you...]
I wonder what we will do if we meet in a grocery store. Will you grab your children and run away from us, leaving an indelible memory for them to ponder in their life's journey? [Probably] Or will you explain who the horrible monsters are that you are running from? [Gaslighting: I have never called you a monster. I’ve already talked to them about why we are cutting off contact at this time. I did not call you monsters. But I did sensitively talk about your temper, and other issues that give us serious pause at this time]
And how long is this to last? You say "for this time." But aberrant behaviours have a way of becoming habits. [How is it an “aberrant behaviour” to request space? First it was illegal, unspiritual, and unethical...now it is “aberrant”..? We said we wanted space. Sheesh. “How long will it last”? Until I can see that you know how to respect my boundaries. Spoiler alert: writing emails like this is not helping your case...]
And still you have given us absolutely no clue at all as to the reason for you denying us access to our grandchildren. [I don’t have to explain to you why I’m not giving you access to my children.]
I think perhaps you have difficulty talking about difficult subjects. [She’s going so low here. Trying to infantilized me through childhood memories] I remember your fingers in the ears response to me trying to explain why your adoptive sister was no longer with us. I should have just told you that she left to go back home to your aunt. I (wrongly) thought you were old enough for me to share some of the heartache and pain I had gone through [I was 22 at the time. Age wasn’t the issue] I should not have unloaded on you but it was all very fresh in my heart and mind at that moment. [I have no memory of this conversation. Either you are making it up, or I cut you off and forgot about it. What I DO remember is seeing my adoptive sister submitted to years and years of verbal and emotional abuse. I remember getting up the courage to talk to you about it, and you ignoring me. You had the "fingers in the ears" response, not I! I remember taking to dad about it. I remember being relieved when she finally left. You made her hurt so bad. And now you want brownie points for being sad that she left? Bull. You hated her as a female rival in your home and drove her to flee. You were happy she left. You cannot shame me with your sins]
You've had a lot of training and counselling so I really would have thought you could talk about relationships at this point in your life. [So low. Trying to invalidate my counselling experiences, and also implying that if I don’t capitulate to her demands, I am being unhealthy] I do not understand why avoidance is your "go-to" at this point. [I asked for space. The reason I need space is because I am dealing with finding help for all that you put me through as a child, and as an adult, including this email. I’m avoiding you, but I am definitely not avoiding my issues. There is no law that says a victim needs to have a relationship with their abuser — even if they are related] Again, I wonder where we went wrong, what we did to cause this in your life. [You did not cause this. You are not in control of my actions. You demonstrated in a thousand small and very large ways that you are unsafe. And for that reason, I requested space from you] Obviously you feel there is nothing at all we could possibly do to help. [Not really. Hence the request for space] Although again, according to the Bible, and common, worldwide, down through history, thinking, it is still a part of our job description. [Actually, there’s no verse, law, or social more to that effect. Nobody talks about a “grandparent job description” but yourselves. You made that one up. And apparently, the only thing in that “job description” is a list of rights that you think you have over myself and my children. I believe that grandparents have a “right to earn trust.” If you earned that trust, I would have given you continued access to my children. But you betrayed that trust, and I have a moral, legal, religious and social obligation to protect my children from people I perceive to be unsafe] The leave and cleave command does not preclude respect (which would imply contact and seeking of advice). [No it doesn’t. I have never heard anyone get that from that verse. I respect the position of our prime minister -- that doesn't mean I need to contact him or ask his advice. Respect and honour are two different things.]
It's 4:30 AM. I woke with a dream. One of my sons was lying in a semi-conscious state. I said to him, "You know your dad and I love you." He said, "I wouldn't be like this if you did." Then the dream shifted and the whole house was on fire. The children didn't seem to notice and ignored my cries of "fire! fire!" As the house burned, I kept yelling "fire" and "get out of the house" "you have to leave" "the house is on fire". I finally woke up but couldn't get back to sleep. [Wow! This dream is the only part of this email that makes sense! So one of your sons is lying in a semiconscious state. Why? Because (despite what you say) you have not loved him well enough. Maybe you keep telling him it’s love, when really it’s all about you and your needs? 🧐What does he have to do? He has to leave the house, which is on fire. But he cannot, because your lack of love has made him a prisoner of your burning house. Wow. So I notice it wasn’t myself in that bed (otherwise you would have told me). It was my younger brother, wasn’t it? (The one that I saw in a dream with testicular cancer) Well, guess what? I have found people who love me. And so I am not lying semiconscious, and I am leaving the house. If you loved me, you would be happy for me. But then, if you really loved me, perhaps the house wouldn’t be on fire in the first place...]
But there, maybe I've done it again. Sharing too much. You are wishing for distance and I am still trying to draw you close. [Yes, I was asking for distance. And yes, you are violating my boundaries. This proves that you do not respect me or my boundaries.] Fool that I am. [So here again we have this “babbling like a fool” business. This is what you did to my uncle, and when he didn’t respond, you wrote him off. Am I supposed to fear also being written off? Should I thank you for your “honesty and vulnerability”? Should I tell you, “oh no — you weren’t babbling like a fool. That was really quite eloquent...” ...because I won’t do any of those things. This seems like a thought-loop, where you are starting to argue with yourself. Am I even needed for this conversation? 🤷♂️ You don’t seem to have a very healthy mental state...🤔 At any rate, I agree with the end of this email: you did over share (thanks for the info on my dad's brother — I respect him a lot more now...) you did violate my boundaries, you did babble like a fool (objectively speaking...this is not fine literature you have sent me here...for a writer, one would think you could go better.) I will not forget that you threatened — however obliquely — to take me to court for custody of my children. I will never, ever speak with you in the same way after this, with that possibility on the table. And I loved the dream. Thanks for that! The house is on fire. Some family members are incapacitated by your lack of love. I now know that I am not responsible for your emotions. You can no longer control me through shame. I am not your prisoner, as I once was. I’m outta there. See ya!]
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